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Our whole life consists of communication. Both professional success and personal happiness depend on the ability to find a common language with different people. Several scenarios of unsuccessful communication in a couple and psychologist’s recommendations on how to properly communicate with a partner.
A love union, no matter how passionate and romantic it may be, requires daily work and the active participation of both partners. Psychotherapist Jonis Webb believes that the most important contribution we can make to relationships is learning to understand how we feel ourselves and how our loved one feels.
But to think that both of these skills will automatically make your relationship happy would be untrue.
«It hurt me.» “My wife is offended by something again.” «I’m very angry». When we are angry or irritated about something, the last thing we want to do is be diplomats. It is at such moments that communication skills, the ability to communicate correctly, will come in handy.
How to tell your partner that he made you angry or his words hurt you a lot? How to ask for something important? How you manage to convey this complex message, your intonation and your manner is no less important than the words you choose.
Let’s look at a few unsuccessful communication scenarios in a couple.
Mark is angry, he was hurt by the way Anna behaved at the party. She ignored him — although he had asked her in advance to be there, because he did not know anyone here. And he decides to express everything …
Type of communication: passive-aggressive
Mark decides, “I’ll show her what it’s like. I’ll just ignore her next week when we go to my New Year’s Eve party at my place of work.»
Expert review. In reality, this is not so much communication as an act of retribution. Mark thinks he will teach the girl a lesson by using the «eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth» method. But it won’t work.
When, a week later, without any warning, he begins to ignore Anna at a party, she is unlikely to connect his behavior with what happened a week ago. And even if she guesses, his current «ignore» will cause her negative emotions. Over time, this passive-aggressive behavior greatly burdens the relationship with negativity.
Type of communication: aggressive
Mark approaches Anna at the party and says with barely contained irritation, “You only think of yourself! I will never go to a party with you again.»
Expert review. Mark chose an attacking demeanor, as well as a bad time and place.
His voice, tone and words in the midst of the general fun sound so contrasting that Anna is unlikely to do anything to delve into the problem and correct the situation.
Over time, passive-aggressive behavior heavily burdens the relationship with negativity.
Type of communication: sarcastic
As they get into the car to drive home, Mark says irritably, «Well, I hope you had a good time, because I definitely didn’t.»
Expert review. In this case, Mark waited too long and spoke out when Anna could no longer correct the situation. In addition, he did not express feelings directly and with sufficient respect.
Sarcasm is like a left hook, an unexpected blow. Anna will feel that she is being attacked, moreover, without warning, and will immediately take up a defensive position. And in this situation, the very message of Mark and its essence will be lost.
How bad communication skills are dangerous for relationships?
There are many ways of bad communication in a couple. We have cited only three examples. If you recognize yourself in at least one of them, it means that you or your partner had a chance to learn these skills as a child.
By asking questions rather than asserting, you avoid an accusatory tone.
There are families where emotions are directly expressed. But more often there are those where it is not customary to discuss feelings. Alas, emotional neglect will do a disservice to the children in such a family, because they will not acquire vital communication skills as a couple.
If you or your partner grew up in such a family, it is likely that this communication flaw is hindering the relationship. Due to difficulties in mutual understanding, the partner will not hear your messages, words and needs. And that means that what you ask for will remain unfulfilled.
How to resolve the situation using communication skills?
Let’s get back to our couple.
- Mark puts his hand on Anna’s shoulder and whispers softly in her ear:Don’t forget, I don’t know anyone here yet. Let’s stick together».
- On the way home, Mark says:I thought we’d be together at this party. Anna what happened?»
In the first case, he expresses feelings in the best way. He does this in real time, which allows Anna to immediately correct the situation. He doesn’t use an accusing tone, just reminds her. Gives an opportunity to show that she is not intentionally ignoring him, does everything so that she wants to solve this problem, and does not become defensive.
In the second case, Anna no longer has the opportunity to immediately correct the situation — the party is over. But Mark’s tone is still calm, non-aggressive.
By asking questions rather than asserting anything, you avoid an accusatory tone. In addition, give the person the opportunity to explain everything without making excuses. This opens the way to dialogue rather than triggering an automatic defense or retaliatory attack.
Source: blogs.psychcentral.com