At the beginning of a romantic relationship, we often lose our heads. We do not see and do not want to see the obvious. Psychologist and coach Marty Nemko will tell you how to see a person and not let emotions drown out the voice of reason, what is important to pay attention to when meeting with a possible partner.
When preparing for a date and starting a new relationship, many of us would love to hear some good advice. Psychologist, coach, and author of How to Live: What They Didn’t Teach You in School, Marty Nemko, based on practice and client stories, compiled a list of actionable tips that he could give in such a situation.
Meeting
Online dating. “Online is usually better,” says Marty Nemko. Of course, there, as in life, unpleasant situations happen. But compared to other options, this one works best. And it is not surprising, because the online format is easy to control, besides, it is usually difficult for busy modern people to go offline over time.
Keys to a successful online date:
- Don’t cheat, it’s better to be honest about our strengths, weaknesses and preferences.
- Hold high standards. If we feel that a person is not suitable, we should not waste time communicating with him: «There are still a lot of fish in the sea.»
Acquaintance through friends. The second effective way to meet someone special is to set yourself up to find your friends and relatives whom you trust. They know us and will be happy to take care of us.
And, of course, this path is better than going alone to a club, bar, or offline events like “speed dating”. It is worth trying to overcome shyness in this matter and talk with friends, in fact, most will enjoy such help.
Communication
According to the coach, it’s about balance:
- Equally ask, listen, observe a person and express yourself.
- Be moderately frank, especially in the beginning, without opening up completely. This can also apply to sexual intercourse. It is better to do everything gradually, if possible.
- This is a conversation, not a lecture. Rule of thumb: Most lines should be between 10 and 60 seconds long.
- The conversation needs to deepen slowly. You can start with the topic of work and interests, family, and then values. It is important to be attentive to yourself and the interlocutor and, according to your reactions, manage the «settings» of the conversation.
Weighted score
The first months it is difficult to think rationally and look at a person soberly. The psychologist’s most successful clients in love maintained a balance between mind and heart, that is, in the process of communication they did not forget to evaluate:
- sexual compatibility;
- compatibility out of bed;
- kindness;
- emotional and financial independence.
Relationships are often destroyed if one of the partners has high expectations for the other person to serve their own needs. Conflicts are possible due to an imbalance of power, money or the need for attention. Ask yourself questions:
- Does a person notice the best in a partner?
- Are we good with this person?
- Do we want a monogamous relationship with this person, will we look for someone else at the same time, or are we ready to leave?
The coach recommends making a choice: accept or leave. Nemco’s clients, who are successful in their personal lives, try not to let their unpleasant relationship continue. They either accept the person as he is, or leave. The chances of somehow «fixing», changing a person in a reasonable time are too small.
Marry?
Even if children are planned, the benefits of marriage must be weighed very carefully because it involves obligations—not only in the face of the law, but also in relation to the expectations of family and friends. Divorce is considered unacceptable in certain circles. People are supposed to stay together forever, even if their relationship turns out to be unhappy.
“I have seen many couples choose to get married or stay married because of societal expectations,” Nemko writes. This article would be incomplete if I didn’t point out the obvious: getting married and staying in it is too important to let social norms weigh you down. Considering all the facts and feelings, ask yourself: is it reasonable publicly and legally to make a commitment to be bound for life?”
Conclusions
Happy romantic relationships can bring a lot of positive emotions and become an important resource in everyone’s life. “I hope that my advice will help and open up good prospects for those who are in search,” sums up Marty Nemko.
About the author: Marty Nemko is a psychologist, career coach, and author of 7 books, including How to Do Life: What They Didn’t Teach You in School, CreateSpace , 2012).