He and she don’t yell at each other. Only a skilled observer can see the war between them. So quiet that sometimes the participants themselves do not notice how much trouble they can cause each other.
Several friends gathered in the living room. They eat homemade pizza made together and drink wine. The conversation turns to the plans of one of them, who intends to change jobs.
– You must admit that this idea is completely pointless – says his wife. – After all, Maciek is completely not suitable for this! To quit an art teacher’s job to become a graphic designer? After 12 years of working at school? He spent several evenings with a computer and already thinks that they will employ it in the publishing house!
The guests silence, embarrassed, the would-be graphic designer looks out the window with an unreadable expression. Two of the women present are hiding in the kitchen to prepare a salad.
– But this wife Maciek became aggressive! – they gossip, not knowing that the heroine of their discussion is at the door.
– Aggressive? She whispers hollowly. – After all, I never raised my hand to Maciek, it’s just ridiculous …
You don’t have to humiliate it outright
We used to associate aggression with a physical demonstration of strength that goes hand in hand with anger. Someone hit someone in a tram fight, some degenerate husband beat his wife, teenagers called names on the school playground – these are behaviors that we recognize as aggressive without referring to the definition. Aggression, however, has many shades, many activities aimed at causing psychological harm to someone (because this is also included in the definition of aggression) takes place in a quiet and seemingly calm atmosphere between people close to each other. Quiet aggression in relationships hurts deeply, and it’s much harder to talk about than a fight, because there aren’t any wounds to show that it really hurt.
According to psychologist Dominika Bronz from the Enel-Med Medical Center, one of the most dangerous weapons in silent marital wars is humiliating the partner. In order to humiliate someone, it is not necessary to tell him directly that he is worthless, it is enough to attack something important to him.
– The most unpleasant are the humiliations that occur in the company of third parties – says Dominika Bronz. – The wife prepares dinner carefully, and when everyone is seated, the husband announces that he will not eat today. To the question: “Why?” – he only replies that he does not want to. Another case – at a social event, the husband wants to tell a joke, but before he has time to open his mouth, the wife asks him not to jump out “with his stupid pranks.” Such apparent trifles can be easily turned into a joke, but for a humiliated person they can be painful, especially as it is not easy to defend against them. What to say, for example, when a partner praises a friend’s dress, saying to her: “Oh, you can dress attractively, not what my Małgosia is. She still wears those horrible sweaters and pants ”? The attacked person feels that the core of the message is criticism, but gets lost in the act of defense in the discussion of fashion tastes.
“Silent” humiliation is often a veiled criticism expressed as a disapproval of the partner’s preferences, habits, friends, and ways of spending free time. By saying that a loved one listens to terrible music, reads inappropriate books, has feelings for the wrong people, we are actually criticizing him or her. According to Dominika Bronz, this type of partner depreciation is targeted by people with low self-esteem, often without realizing that such behavior in a relationship is unacceptable.
Aggressive “quiet days”
Damian and Danuta have been married for 14 years. They did not celebrate the last anniversary because they had their “quiet days” at the time. They can remain silent for weeks after arguing about who should take the dog for a walk. They explain to their friends that neither of them likes to apologize first, but silence does not bother them. They don’t argue, so actually marriage is fine …
If all behaviors from the group of “silent aggression” were put on a scale, starting from the least dangerous for the relationship and ending with those indicative of its decay, long-term silence would be close to the maximum value.
– If someone comes to me with such a problem, I realize that the situation is extremely serious, because the withdrawal phase has already come, says Dominika Bronz. – As long as people can shout at each other, there is a great hope that the relationship will be saved, but if they have built up a wall of silence, it means that they are already passive, and from this point they are only a step away from parting.
Lack of physical contact may also be a manifestation of silent aggression. In any relationship, the passion changes over time, it manifests itself differently after ten years of marriage than in the phase when the partners are just getting to know each other, but when the need to touch your partner disappears completely, it is a clear sign of crisis. Physical contact is a kind of synonym for the condition of a relationship – where there is no tenderness, even a simple hug or stroke of a hand from time to time – there is nothing to say: “We are a couple”. If physical contact is lost for a long time and it is not part of a quiet game between partners, it is a sign of an emotional withdrawal from the relationship. The partners still appear to be together, but in the sphere of emotions, they behave as if they did not exist. They turn from spouses or partners into roommates.
Anger at a partner or disappointment with him, which for various reasons we do not want or are unable to put into words, can also be expressed in “forgetting” about him and his needs. Even in the best relationships, it happens that the wife forgets to pick up her husband’s suit from the laundry, and he – tired from work – misses the wedding anniversary or misses the dinner with his wife. However, if such mishaps take place all the time and it happens that the spouses “forget” about something important for the other person every week, it is high time to … sit down at the table together and talk.
Silence-Breaking Conversation
According to psychologist Dominika Bronz, silent aggression in a relationship is a sign of crisis that should not be underestimated. The needs of one of the partners are not being met, perhaps one of the parties has experienced disregard, and because he cannot put it into words, negative emotions towards the partner are only manifested in acts of “silent aggression”.
– Two people live with each other and over time move away from each other – explains the psychologist. – They stop telling each other what is important to them, what they expect, what bothers them. The moment when they sit down and explain their feelings to each other is missing. Misunderstandings increase, the first person begins to feel disregarded by the other side. His frustration and anxiety grow. When he is unable to clearly define the accusations, he reacts with hidden violence. Conflict between partners is growing, and unfortunately most of us tend to hold the other party responsible. Non-verbal messages and hidden attacks will not stop until partners decide to talk to each other.
Without talking, it is impossible to improve the condition of the relationship and prevent attacks of silent aggression. The conflict can turn into an open fight, in which the spouses repay each other with malice for malice. “You did not go out with my dog, I will not feed your cat, you forgot about my birthday, I will not buy you anything for your name day.” If the partners do not give up their scuffles, sooner or later a tragedy will occur. The relationship may end with betrayal, perhaps a quarrel and a move out, but it will surely end up on a downward slope.
It is difficult to express directly the complaints towards the partner. We are afraid of losing it, although without talking, we lose a little bit of it every day. To start talking, you need to realize that for one thing dangerous to a relationship that can be told to a partner, there are ten things unspoken that endanger the permanence of the relationship. When presenting your vision of the situation to your partner, do not make accusations or criticize, but focus on talking about what his behavior is doing to us. Instead of: “You’re a bastard!”, Better say: “I’m sorry that you don’t give me any compliments anymore”, “I was hurt by your criticism that you expressed in front of your friends.” Instead of talking about your partner, tell them about yourself. The relationship between two people ends where silence falls.
Text: Sylwia Skorstad
Source: Let’s live longer