A plea for help that no one heard

Loneliness and perfectionism

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear another tragic story? Most likely, you think that such a child was subjected to domestic violence, peers did not want to communicate with him, perhaps life seemed to him a series of failures.

Indeed, in 22% of cases, the main reason for suicide is a severe emotional state. But the reasons for strong feelings are not always obvious. We can talk about a child from a completely prosperous outwardly family, who, it would seem, has everything you need.

The cause of strong emotional stress can be not only external, but also internal conflict. Especially dangerous is the combination of perfectionism and self-hatred or insecurity and feelings of loneliness. The ground for such an attitude towards oneself can be prepared by methods of education that are too strict or inappropriate for a particular teenager.

A common example is that a teenager is quiet and shy and is bullied by peers. And the parents, instead of taking the side of the boy, increase the pressure, demanding that the son stand up for himself «like a real man.» Or the daughter is teased for being overweight, laughing at the fact that she is the last to run in the cross. At the same time, the mother seems to join the offenders and criticizes the girl for being “lazy” and unwilling to go in for sports. This is how a teenager learns to hate his character or his body. Self-hatred, constant shame that you are not what you «should be», can eventually lead to thoughts of suicide.

“To some extent, our education system is also to blame for creating an atmosphere of stress,” says psychologist Marina Panfilova. — It overloads the intellect at the expense of the development of emotions. Children are required to master a large amount of knowledge, but at the same time they are not taught to cooperate with each other, to support those who cannot cope with the load. In addition, teenagers are constantly pressured by examples of «success» and «attractiveness» replicated by popular culture.

Provocations on the Internet play an important role in aggravating feelings, especially if the child is emotionally unstable and has already thought about suicide.

“If a teenager finds reinforcement of their suicidal thoughts on the Internet, there is an increased likelihood that he will one day turn them into action in the heat of passion,” explains Perry Hoffman, president of the Educational Alliance for People with Borderline Personality Disorder (USA). — Social networks are an extremely important means of communication for the new generation. In addition, communication with peers for adolescents is often more important than with their parents. And if you can hide from bullying at school in the family, then bullying on the Internet will follow everywhere.

In addition to the same mockery of non-standard appearance, mocking comments appear under photos on social networks, personal materials are posted in the public domain, which provokes a feeling of complete defenselessness in the victim.

But some teenagers more or less cope with such stress, while others do not. This means there are deeper reasons as well.

Fragile and vulnerable

“Suicide is provoked not by external problems in themselves, but by their combination with the personal vulnerability of a teenager,” says Natalya Sirota, dean of the Faculty of Clinical Psychology at MSUMD. — The ability to ask for help, to see a way out of a difficult situation — these are skills that not everyone has. At risk are adolescents who do not receive family support, who at the same time do not have the resources to solve problems and have low social competence.”

“Often, social incompetence is instilled by a family that does not understand the needs of a sensitive child and does not have special skills to effectively take care of him,” adds Dmitry Pushkarev, psychotherapist at the Mental Health Center clinic.

Social competence is the ability to interact effectively with others. They are not born with them, they need to learn, including from their own mistakes. This process can be hindered by overly caring parents who try to protect the child from “bad influences”, and too demanding ones who expect him to figure everything out himself.

Many parents find it difficult to understand that there is no “right” parenting method that works for everyone. Even if we are talking about two sisters, strict requirements can motivate one, and suppress the other.

“Children are very different. They can be conditionally divided into «daisy» children and «orchid» children. Chamomile is unpretentious and, if stepped on, will continue to grow. And the orchid requires special care, without it it will not bloom, ”explains Perry Hoffman.

It is important to understand whether a teenager belongs to a social risk group, for which the probability of suicide is many times, or even tens of times higher than for other young people. “Society puts a lot of pressure on the so-called stigmatized minority,” says Olga Razmakhova of the Association for Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy. “These are orphans, victims of violence, LGBT teenagers, ethnic and religious minorities.”

The statistics are truly frightening. Up to 10% of all graduates of orphanages commit suicide, and among the representatives of the LGBT community, one in ten made such an attempt.

borderline disorder, depression

Children with mental disabilities require special attention. Their reactions to seemingly ordinary things can be unpredictable. The problem is that most parents do not want to believe until the very end that their child is mentally ill and needs professional help. However, the numbers speak for themselves: according to the Serbsky Center for Social and Forensic Psychiatry, every second suicide (44% of adolescents) suffers from mental disorders, but they learn about it only posthumously. During their lifetime, only 8% of them went to a psychiatrist and 15% to a psychologist.

One of the most dangerous disorders is borderline personality disorder. It makes a person extremely emotional, impulsive, it is difficult for him to cope with stress. Such people often injure themselves, and about 10% commit suicide.

Another disease that parents tend to underestimate is depression. Adults often believe that this is a feature of adolescence that will go away on its own. Emotional swings in adolescents are indeed quite common and generally normal. But if the depressed state lasts for several weeks, this is a cause for concern and referral to a specialist.

This does not mean that the child will necessarily be prescribed strong drugs or immediately sent to the hospital. “Studies show that hospitalization is ineffective in helping suicidal teenagers,” explains Dmitry Pushkarev. “Competent psychotherapy shows much better results.”

Checklist for Anxious Parents

You should be wary if a teenager:

• Became prone to sudden changes in mood or behavior.
• He withdraws, spends a lot of time alone.
• Shares thoughts about death.
• Gives or returns things that were once significant: letters, gifts.
• Suddenly becomes interested in weapons.
• He begins to neglect his appearance, clothes.
• Complains of «internal pain».
• Sleeps badly, confuses night and day.
• Suddenly reconciles with relatives.
• Planning suicide.

Phrases in the speech of the child, which are worth paying attention to:

• «I’m leaving for a long journey.»
• «Nothing makes me happy anymore.»
• «Sometimes I think it’s better to die.»
• «Here, take this, I’ll never need it again.»
• “In a few days everything will be quiet and peaceful.”
• «It doesn’t matter to me anymore.»
• «I don’t even want to live.»
• “Forgive me for everything. You are a good person».

***

As Ravil Aleev wrote: “Suicide is a plea for help that no one has heard.” 77% of teenagers spoke about their intentions before attempting suicide, most often to friends or on social networks. This means that the tragedy can be prevented if you treat desperate relatives, acquaintances and even virtual friends more carefully and attentively.

The material was prepared as a result of the conference «Prevention of suicide and self-harm», organized by the Mental Health Center clinic in conjunction with the Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists.