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The traditional distribution of roles no longer exists: women master the male model of behavior, men seek tenderness and understanding. Sexual relations are getting more and more complicated. Or not?
«What does all of this mean?» 33-year-old Andrei asks himself. A month has passed since the evening when he met the bright brunette Yana in a bar. After a stormy night, he wanted to know her number. In response, Yana only laughed and said playfully that she would call him herself. Andrei was sure that there would be a sequel — after all, they had a great time and both are free! But Yana has disappeared, and Andrey cannot get this story out of his head.
“It’s not that I really need her … But I always think: what was wrong, where did I go wrong? And in general, how then should one behave with such girls, how to keep them? I do not understand».
Andrei is at a loss, and one can sympathize with him. Like a friend of 40-year-old Daria: “He was one of those who I always liked. We had a good time: chatted, had fun, he was gallant, we have similar tastes. But in bed, he was too quivering, and I got bored. After that, I quickly ended the relationship: I need an active man so that I don’t have to guess if he really wants me.
And how many more women are around who want to control everything, play by their own rules, and then complain about their lost, soft, weak partners? Sexologists say that men today are acquiring feminine qualities: they are vulnerable, they are looking for tenderness, they want understanding. At the same time, women are increasingly acting like men: making decisions, taking responsibility, expressing their desires directly.
Masculine and feminine: blurring the boundaries
Everything has changed in life, but not in the image of reality that we see at parties or on TV screens and billboards. There, men and women still present themselves as the ideal object of desire: a deep neckline, an accentuated waist, stilettos. Or unshaven, strong arms, muscles …
All this is so exaggerated that it resembles a masquerade: as if everyone around decided to dress up as “real men” and “real women”. What do we achieve when we emphasize the signs of gender so strongly? Are we convincing ourselves?
So it is, social psychologists and sexologists are sure. Since we pay so much attention to the external, it means that sexual self-identification is becoming more and more blurred. Traditionally, a man was engaged in work: he spent almost all his time there, but this gave him a dominant position in the family.
Women and men have become too similar to each other. They study together, work together, share household chores.
Women now make up the majority of workers. Male superiority has ceased to be undeniable, physical strength is in little demand, men spend more time with children, take care of their body and appearance.
On the other hand, women, making a career, often feel out of place: they are embarrassed to earn more than men, but at the same time they have no right to take time off from work to take care of the house and children. Such internal confusion cannot but affect intimate life.
When an independent, self-realized modern woman meets the man she dreamed of, it turns out that she … does not want to live with him at all. Yes, he is ready to protect and protect her, but at the same time he treats her patronizingly, insists on his own, considers himself the main one. And she involuntarily thinks: “Who is he to tell me?”
How to distribute roles?
Women and men have become too similar to each other. They study together, work together, share household duties, occupy the same positions, lead the same lifestyle. This brings them closer and makes them more understandable to each other … as long as we are not talking about sexuality. After all, the nature of desire has remained unchanged: it still arises against our will and seeks in the other — the truly Other. It is the differences that attract and excite us, and we just lack them today.
Any system is based on two forces: centrifugal and centripetal, say our experts. For a family to take place, partners must balance each other. A purposeful man is outward-oriented, he remains a classic “earner” in a pair. The question is whether a woman agrees to the role of an escort, a «wife with her husband.»
If passivity does not suit her, you can try to combine roles, which is quite difficult. It is especially difficult for the most energetic and independent: they do not know how to delegate authority, they always want to be right, they are not ready to admit their weaknesses.
Many «girls with character» in their youth choose the image of a fatal seductress, which should protect them from disappointment. Don Juan style implies an unwillingness to recognize one’s own and other people’s feelings and the ability to move from friendship to sex and back without mental suffering.
If a woman does not inspire confidence, behaves too relaxedly, a man often prefers to retreat
“It often seems to me that I am in love, and then it turns out that it was better for us to remain friends,” says 27-year-old Larisa. — And when I leave them, they are offended, they don’t want to see me anymore. It’s a pity!»
But what about men? They still want to please women. They worry that they will not be able to satisfy their partner, they are afraid that they will be compared with others. Many of them feel like a victim, a woman’s toy, and therefore the sexual act inspires them with anxiety. If a woman is not trustworthy or behaves too relaxed, a man often prefers to back off.
The fact that women also feel desire is no longer a secret to anyone, but when they freely express it, it still confuses men. If a man loves a woman and trusts her, then he dreams of being good in her eyes and therefore adjusts, yields, behaves as she pleases … and risks losing her liking.
What will be the new relationship style?
Psychic bisexuality is one of Freud’s discoveries. It is thanks to her that in the fantasies of both men and women there are images that are penetrating, dominant and passive, conquered. A man who likes when a woman is in a position on top does not become feminine at all, experts explain. And women are not at all opposed to dominating, if we understand this as a desire to capture their partner.
What is the forecast? What are we heading towards today, when what seems to be the most natural — the union of two — is changing before our eyes? Apparently, this is how a new model of relations is being created, which has not yet been in the history of mankind. Everyone will look for their recipe for a couple, try on different roles in order to someday find the one that suits them. In any case, we hope so.