He singles out another woman and makes it clear that you are losing to her in caring for your figure or the ability to dress. Ready to openly compliment someone, as if not noticing your presence. What drives a man and why do you allow such a situation?
Revenge
“He tormented me with his jealousy, got into my phone, without any reason suspected of relationships on the side,” says Irina. – I love him and do not want to leave, but when he brought me to tears, she said that I would file for divorce.
Since then, my husband has become as if indifferent to what is happening in my life. However, she pays attention to her friend, constantly compliments her, admires her talents and the way she builds a career. It hurts me.”
A prolonged conflict that makes your partner feel hurt can provoke behavior designed to get your attention. He is trying to fabricate the situation, causing your jealousy.
“This often turns out to be his only defense when a couple fails to discuss what is happening on their own or with the help of a specialist and find common ground,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. “Then one of the partners, who considers himself the injured party, strikes back with a painful blow, thereby only complicating the situation.”
Trying to dominate
“We had a passionate romance, but my friend spoiled everything with the desire to constantly control me,” admits Arina. Everything had to happen the way he decided. He said that I need to spend more time in the gym and get in shape, he cited other women as an example.
He reproached me for bad taste and insisted that I take pictures of myself in fitting rooms, send them to him, and only buy clothes that passed his approval. He liked to feel like, as they say, an alpha male who decides everything. It humiliated me, and no amount of reconciliation with violent sex could save the day.
The comparison of dominating males with alpha males, often accepted in everyday life, refers to the theory of the zoologist David Mech, which paralleled the behavior of a group of Homo sapiens with a wolf pack. At the head is always the strongest, hardiest beast, which at the same time is allowed a lot.
“In the human community, things are much more complicated. It is generally accepted that an alpha male is a strong, decisive, successful man, but, as a result, dominant and polygamous, says the psychologist. However, these qualities do not always coincide.
Under the ostentatious self-confidence and the desire to dominate, there is a deep self-doubt, neuroses, repressed fears. This is how people with an accentuation of character often manifest themselves in relationships: narcissists, sociopaths who assert themselves at the expense of a partner.
These people have difficulty hearing or understanding the other person’s feelings and often take pleasure in inflicting heartache.”
Madonna Woman
“My husband never tells me directly that he likes women of a different type, but I feel it,” says Marianne. – I see his admiring glances towards the more slender ones, who do not hide their sexuality. This is unpleasant for me, but all conversations end with assurances – he is fine with me, and he does not intend to leave. At the same time, our intimate relationship almost came to naught.
“This often happens when a man treats you more like a close friend whom he appreciates, but his sexual desires are directed at others,” says Marina Myaus. – Such a splitting of the image of a woman into two components is called the “complex of the Madonna and the Whore.”
Internal prohibitions do not allow him to experience sexual attraction to the one whom he wants to see as the mother of his children and the keeper of the hearth. These desires are repressed and addressed to the image of the “Whore”, with whom he is not ready to build close relationships and a family.
Such a duality of perception is often formed in childhood, when the boy grew up with a cold, stingy mother for emotions and feelings, and any manifestation of physicality was condemned in the family.
Why does a woman allow this?
“Often in the work it turns out that a woman allows and even provokes such situations, receiving unconscious benefits from this,” says psychotherapist Marina Myaus. – One of the frequent motives is to confirm and live the “mother’s scenario”.
This happens in families where the relationship between the girl’s parents was destroyed, and the mother passed on her negative experience to her daughter, directly or indirectly teaching her that betrayal and causing pain are in the nature of men.
Even not agreeing with this, at a deeply unconscious level, the girl learns these attitudes and, growing up, repeats her path. She chooses a man with whom, like her mother, she builds a relationship that is painful for herself, as if trying to live this story again.
A woman can allow such behavior of a partner because of an internal prohibition on being happy. This is also largely due to childhood, when parents could treat the manifestation of joyful emotions and life pleasures with distrust and even rejection, as something forbidden, for which they will certainly have to pay with subsequent misfortune.
Constant readiness for the worst does not imply a happy personal life, and an internal prohibition is imposed on this area.
“Deprivation in childhood of unconditional love, when you are dear not for achievements and victories, but only because you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses, also forms the mindset to constantly fight for recognition in any relationship,” recalls the expert. . “And then the woman chooses a partner who provokes and supports her competition with others.”