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You have been looking for a long time, but have not yet found a worthy person? And in women’s groups on social networks there are so many tips on how to «remake» almost any man for yourself, as if it were plasticine. Where will such a strategy lead? Olga Dmitrieva, a female life coach, helps to understand the difficult topic of relationships.
A large number of books and articles have already been written about finding your ideal, one and only man. But even if a woman reads all the information on the topic, this does not guarantee success. That is why thoughts like: “We need to reconsider the criteria for selection and lower the bar a little” or “We need to find someone who I can change for myself” arise.
But both are not the path to a happy relationship, but rather to a strategic game, the goal of which is to acquire a man. Let’s take a closer look at this issue and try to figure out why women consider candidates «for growth», how roles are distributed in such relationships, and why such a strategy is not very successful.
Why women choose this approach
A man «for growth» is a compromise with himself. The vast majority of girls grow up and form their own idea of an ideal man who will be a reliable support, support, a real prince and a knight on a white horse. And it is very unlikely that a girl thinks in advance about finding a man for re-education.
They come to this most often because of disappointment in previous relationships, because of the loss of faith that «normal men have not yet died out and there are unmarried men among them.» People get burned, mistaken and disappointed in some relationships, in others, and over time, distrust is formed in them.
Further, a woman can either completely close, or despair and generally put an end to all men, or seek a compromise and agree to a “generally good”, but far from ideal option. Then the idea arises to find a man (perhaps younger), who has not yet filled the “bumps” and will be ready to change.
Women try to «bring to mind» an unsuspecting partner. And at the same time, he builds relationships with his beloved, and did not at all give himself up to her for adoption.
Distribution of roles
The very idea that one adult will be able to re-educate and adjust another adult to himself and end up with a harmonious relationship is fundamentally wrong.
Starting to communicate with a partner from such a position, you obviously look down on him, realizing your superiority. A man feels that he is being treated as a klutz, albeit a promising one. Even praise from women who have chosen this line of behavior for themselves sounds like a head teacher, as if encouraging a first-grader.
Do you think many men would agree to stay in such a role? Each of you is an adult person, and you need to respect and appreciate the positive qualities in each other, which you fell in love with from the very beginning.
When a woman tries to «remake» her partner, she takes on a strong position, takes on the role of a mother for a balding «baby». But after all, she herself feels uncomfortable, dominating the relationship.
She can allow the thought: «Now I will raise a real man, and then I will give him the reins of government and I will enjoy.» But no, it does not happen that you take and raise a king, and then stand one step lower. It is unnatural, it destroys including sexual relations.
Practice shows: either these roles of educator and subordinate are assigned to you forever, or you will really “grow up” a worthy man who no longer wants and cannot remain in such a role-playing game and simply finds another one for which he is good and does not need to be remade .
People change with each other
Your high importance for a man is a great motivator. A person can change, but he does it himself, making such a decision. For example, because it is more comfortable for him to live this way, he is more interesting for himself and those around him, he is not ashamed of his actions, he enjoys his achievements and admiration from his beloved woman.
This is far more inspiring than the criticisms.
How to understand what kind of man should be with you
In fact, only you can understand and feel. But you need to remember a few axioms.
- Like attracts like. And if you are in a decadent state of mind, set yourself the framework “this and that is impossible”, then with a high degree of probability such a “wounded” person will be attracted to you.
- Partners in a relationship should complement each other, and not close the “holes”. For example, looking for a rich man because she has financial difficulties herself is not the best option. In order for relationships to be harmonious, they must be built from a state of inner harmony and fullness, and not because of acute need and one’s own insufficiency.
- Be honest with yourself. Do not try to turn a blind eye to obvious inconsistencies and, worst of all, replace them with illusions. Girls are very fond of building relationships with an invented image, because the original is a little “not up to perfection”. It’s a slippery slope. Being disappointed and falling into reality can then be very painful.
All the qualities that are unpleasant for you in a new partner from the very first days can then become the reason for parting. Therefore, trust yourself and do not settle for a relationship with a man who you immediately want to “finish”.
And most importantly, relationships are always based on the ability to agree and distribute roles. Harmonious couples are not created on the desire to break and reshape a partner for themselves.