Contents
We emphasize: we do not condone either rudeness or cruelty. But sex is not only a form of communication, but also to a large extent — an impulse, an uncontrollable passion, which sometimes only benefits from pressure and sensual sharpness.
“I have always been sure that love is manifested through care and tenderness,” says 33-year-old Marina. — Everything was exactly like this with my husband, we made love for a long time, but the feeling that I was deprived of something did not leave me. We got divorced for a different reason, but now I think I missed the sex. Not as such, but sex is sharp, powerful, without brakes.
With Vadim, everything is different — we make love with incredible passion. It was as if we had been starved for a long time, and now they finally gave us food. I have never felt so feminine and I have never felt so empowered.”
Passionate, wild sex — wild sex — reminds us that the desire to possess another releases the animal nature in a person and makes it possible to experience a bright and spicy pleasure, other than that which arises in response to gentle prolonged caresses.
“Intimate partners have shown rudeness, primitiveness and pressure throughout the history of mankind,” says sexologist Yevgeny Kashchenko. “An example is the Kama Sutra, where there are typologies of scratches, blows and bites with very poetic names: “half moon”, “torn cloud”, “coral and jewel”.
But in order to actually understand how the bite of a “torn cloud” gives pleasure, one must free oneself from some stereotypes associated with sexuality.
Aggressiveness or hostility?
Speaking of love, we pay a lot of attention to tenderness, spiritual intimacy and undeservedly leave aside pressure and aggressiveness that are equally important in intimate life. Largely because we perceive these words as synonymous with cruelty and hostility, as a desire to harm another.
Indeed, abuse is always associated with complete helplessness or, on the contrary, absolute omnipotence, when the other is perceived either as an enemy that needs to be humiliated, destroyed, or as an object that can be used at one’s own discretion.
When aggressiveness is unbridled, it turns into violence.
Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, calls aggressiveness one of the most important qualities for the development of a person’s personality. He uses the process of nutrition as a metaphor: a person «attacks» food in order to obtain the substances and energy necessary for growth. So it is in sex: sharpness, pressure allow you to get sensual pleasure, pleasure from another. At the same time, it is important to observe the framework adopted in the relationship of a particular couple, to make sure not to hurt the other, both physically and mentally.
But in sex, the frantic pressure and the manifestation of the animal nature in us suggest a completely different attitude towards a partner — as an equal. They allow you to feel your own strength, vital energy, without which the desire fades away. Such aggressiveness, unlike cruelty, ceases to be a weapon and becomes an instrument of desire and pleasure.
Recognize your fantasies
One of the secrets of mature sexuality is the skillful management of your aggressiveness. When we constantly hold back, sexual relationships become insipid, which leads to frustration: we feel disappointed, dissatisfied, unable to realize something important for ourselves. When aggressiveness is excessive and unbridled, it develops into violence. To find the right balance, both women and men need to acknowledge and accept their fantasies. After all, they generate energy that feeds sexual desire, and free the body.
At the age of 36, Olga realized that she only enjoys with an active, dominant man. “In the office, I manage a team of 15 people, I am the boss. But in bed it is important for me to be dominated. It may not be customary to say this, but I love to feel like an object, a sexual object for my man.
When partners decide to share their fantasies with each other, this frankness brings the couple closer, releases feelings
According to a study by American psychologists Robert Crooks and Karla Baur, 13% of men and 3% of women dream of «forcing someone to have sex», and 10% of men and 19% of women dream of «forced sex». But not all of them dare to tell their loved one what they want.
“In the first period of passion, lovers may not have conversations about sexual fantasies,” says Yevgeny Kashchenko, “but the established couple must learn to talk to each other, gain sexual culture, create their own vocabulary for expressing their feelings and fantasies. For example, a woman can let her partner know that his behavior excites her, gives her pleasure, and thus invite him to show aggressiveness in this form.
“Many of us are afraid of our thoughts and feelings,” agrees Brigitte Martel. — They seem immoral, shameful, and therefore we force them out of consciousness. But there is a big difference between secret and explicit sexual dreams: when partners decide to share their fantasies with each other, this frankness, as a rule, brings the couple closer, releases feelings, and allows them to show «reasonable aggressiveness.»
Is it possible to be aggressive and gentle at the same time?
“The tendency to repress the aggressive side of sexuality is also connected with the fact that for centuries it has been synonymous with the humiliation of a woman,” says sexologist Natalya Stenyaeva. “It was necessary to go through a sexual, feminist revolution in order to finally recognize the right of a woman to have pleasure.” “And if before the leading role in sex was assigned exclusively to a man, now it is often taken by a woman,” Yevgeny Kashchenko agrees.
In the manifestations of animal passion, you can see another reason to feel like people.
But what about men? Sexologists state that many feel like prisoners of the dual demands of a woman — it is important for her that her partner in everyday life be gentle and understanding, and in bed turn into a powerful male. “No, this is not a double load,” Brigitte Martel is convinced. — This situation only gives a man a chance to live and express his sexuality more fully. It seems that today it is already the turn for men to talk about their intimate needs, without dissolving in the sexuality of the female, but not rolling back to the old male stereotypes.
Release the passion
In order for the impulsive part of sexuality to express itself, it must be given such an opportunity. The moment we finally decide to release our desire, we give ourselves a chance to make the relationship more alive and the pleasure more intense. “Realizing our sexuality, we enjoy it,” says Natalya Stenyaeva. “Animals are also not deprived of it, but sexuality gives a person more — the opportunity to experience a feeling of closeness with another person.” Therefore, in the manifestations of animal passion, one can see another reason to feel like people.