The journalist wrote a letter to women who have crossed the thirty-year mark, but have not begun to lead a decent measured life of an adult woman — with a husband, children and a mortgage.
This week I turn thirty-something. I do not name the exact age, because in my background the rest of the employees are babies. Society has taught me that aging is a failure, so I try to save myself from despair through denial and self-deception, try not to think about real age and convince myself that I look 25 years old.
I am ashamed of my age. The problem of aging is not like other life challenges, when you fail, you get up and try again. I cannot become younger, my age is not subject to discussion and adjustment. I try not to define myself by my age, but the people around me are not so kind.
To top it off, I didn’t complete a single item on the list of goals that a person of my age should achieve.
I don’t have a partner, children. There is a ridiculous amount in the bank account. I don’t even dream of buying my own house, I barely have enough money to rent.
Of course, I didn’t think my life at 30 would be like this. Birthdays are a great opportunity to indulge in unproductive regrets and worries. Brief summary: I am turning thirty-something, I hide my age and worry. But I know I’m not alone. Many thought that adult life would look different. I’m glad it’s not what I imagined. I have four reasons for this.
1. Adventure
I grew up in a small town. In her spare time, she read books and dreamed of adventure. Our family did not go anywhere, trips to relatives in a neighboring town do not count. My youth was in its own way happy, but unremarkable.
Now there are so many stamps in the passport that it is impossible to count
I lived in Los Angeles, New York and Bali, moved simply because I wanted to, without plans and financial guarantees. I fell in love with men on three different continents, I could marry someone who proposed at 25. But I chose another option. When I look back and realize how much experience I gained, I do not regret the decision.
2. Tests
What I experienced three years ago, my therapist referred to as «enlightenment.» This is commonly referred to as a nervous breakdown. I quit my job, moved out of town, and reset my whole life. I had a successful job, a lot of fans. However, I felt that I was not living my life. At some point it came out.
Now I’m a thousand times more comfortable to live, so the suffering was worth it
My friend went through something similar when she was married. In the process of «rebirth» she had to go through a difficult divorce while I was meditating in the jungle. I’m not saying my situation was better. They were both terrible in their own way. But I would not change my experience, which I received during my life in Bali. It is unlikely that I would be able to understand who I really am, being in a relationship. When you’re free, it’s hard to ignore the grouchy voice in your head when you spend so much time alone with it.
3. Awareness
I’m not sure if I want what I’m supposed to want at my age. As a child, I had no doubt that I would get married. Before my eyes was an example of parents — they have been married for 43 years. But now I do not dream of marriage. The spirit of freedom is too strong in me to choose one man for life.
I want kids, but I’m starting to think that maybe I’m not meant to be a mother. Of course, the biological impulse makes itself felt. On a dating app, I start talking about children in the fifth minute of texting. But in my mind I understand: children are not for me.
I like to be free, it’s not the best conditions for raising children
Move on. I left my position as head of marketing and became a freelance writer. Now I am an editor, but I still have less responsibility and lower earnings. But I am much happier. Most of the time I don’t even notice that I’m working.
I still have big goals, and a good income will not be superfluous. But in life you have to choose, and I’m happy with the choice.
4. Future
Of course, I envy friends who are raising children and can afford not to work. Sometimes I envy them so much that I have to remove them from my social circle. Their path is set, mine is not. On the one hand, it frightens, on the other hand, it is breathtaking with anticipation.
I have no idea what my life will look like in the future
There is a long road ahead, and that makes me happy. I don’t want to know what my next twenty years will look like. I can break loose and move to London in a month. I can get pregnant and give birth to twins. I can sell a book, fall in love, go to a monastery. For me, endless options for events that can change lives are open.
So I don’t consider myself a failure. I don’t live according to a script, I’m an artist at heart. Creating a life without a plan is the most exciting experience I could imagine. If my accomplishments are not as obvious as buying my own house or having a baby, that doesn’t make them any less important.
About the author: Erin Nicole is a journalist.