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We want to believe that we have found a person with whom we will live together until the end of our days. Therefore, at the very beginning of a relationship, we try to be better, close our eyes to the partner’s shortcomings and make concessions. How not to be deceived and protect yourself from negative emotions?
Be mindful of boundaries
No matter how strange it may sound, but at the beginning of a relationship you need to remember your boundaries. Do not dissolve in another person, continue to live your usual life, meet friends, do your favorite hobbies.
Invite your partner into life gradually, especially if you are a gentle and vulnerable person. Dive into the pool with your head — a plot for a movie, in reality it threatens to be overloaded with emotions and, as a result, experiences that can unsettle for a long time.
Forget that opposites attract
The myth that two opposites can create a successful union has long been debunked. It is in physics that plus is attracted to minus, with people the opposite is true. We feel good and comfortable with those who understand us, share our views and values. Being with a person who is too different from us leads to tension. No matter how much you like each other outwardly, if there are no common ground, the relationship will not last long.
It is difficult for an inveterate healthy person to get along with a beer and cigar lover, for a believer — with an atheist, even an extrovert will have to make efforts to establish contact with an introvert. After the candy-bouquet period, these contradictions will be felt more acutely. That is why at the very beginning it is important to understand how different you are and whether you are ready to work together on relationships.
Listen carefully
There are no secret techniques that help you find out what’s on the other person’s mind. Often everyone tells us about themselves, but we are so focused on continuing the relationship that we ignore the obvious. Meanwhile, it is on the basis of the partner’s previous experience that a true forecast of the development of relations can be built.
Is he shirking his obligations with children from a previous marriage? It will be the same with your children in the event of a divorce. Lived in a civil marriage twice, but did not get to the registry office? And you probably won’t. If your partner is well over 40, and there has never been a long-term relationship in his life, then he probably won’t be with you either.
You can figure out for a long time “why he did this” and “why he didn’t work out before”, but this is not our task, we just need to understand where these relationships can lead.
Take him the way he is
In order not to be disappointed in the chosen one, ask yourself the question: am I ready to accept my partner as a whole, taking into account his entire biography? Children from previous marriages, ex-wives, loan obligations, love for long trips or dangerous sports — how will all this fit into our life together? Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to clarify a situation. It’s better than getting annoyed and upset later.
Check Your Goals
People enter relationships with different desires. Someone wants a family, and someone needs a nice person to meet once a week. Both are good, it’s just important that your goals match. The easiest way to clarify this is to ask directly. Perhaps you are looking for a future husband, and the man is afraid of the registry office, you love children, but he does not need them.
Expect that he will turn from a bachelor into a family man and become a loving father to your five children — create additional difficulties for yourself. If a person is not ready for a serious relationship, he will tell you about it. Every adult has a personal position on marriage and children — find out what your partner has.
Be yourself
It is difficult not to succumb to temptation and not to embellish yourself in the eyes of another. If we like someone, there is a desire to meet his expectations. This tendency is so strong because, as children, we tried to get the approval of the people we care most about — our parents.
You do not like to cook, and he thinks that a woman is this kitchen sorceress who will surprise him every evening with a restaurant masterpiece? It is better to immediately bring to the attention of your chosen one that this will not happen. Perhaps all your other virtues will outweigh, and he will not go in search of a chef, and you will no longer need to do what you do not like.
In the beginning, you can pretend to be anyone and even honestly try to match this image for a while, but not to last long is too emotionally expensive. When you get bored, both you and your partner will experience irritation and discontent.
Keep in touch
Infrequent meetings at the very beginning run the risk of not developing into anything more if you do not communicate in between. At first, people easily wean from each other.
Find time to talk on the phone or send a message. Show initiative. There is nothing wrong with texting or calling first. If a person does not answer, hangs up the call and does not call back, this is a reason to think. Your partner may not want to get closer.
Listen to your feelings
Regularly ask yourself if you are comfortable with this person. We enter into relationships to make things better, not worse. If you feel good together only during sex, and the rest of the time passes in tension and petty grievances, this is not your person.
Healthy relationships make us stronger, happier and even more self-confident, and not vice versa, and this is perhaps the main criterion for the success of the union. Remain yourself, look at your partner soberly, ask questions and listen to your feelings, then everything will definitely work out.