Contents
Two random decent people, if desired, can create a married couple and relationships.
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The notion that «A family can be created with any good person» argues with the notion that love is required to create a family. The main theses behind this performance:
- For many hundreds of years, the basis and reason for creating a family were a variety of economic, economic and cultural factors, but not love, and families were strong.
- And today, many more mature couples create good, harmonious families without the madness of love preceding them.
- A strong family today can be based on well-functioning, well-built relationships, and not emotional experiences of love.
- Love adorns the family, but love, as a feeling and emotional experience, is the result of good and well-established relationships created by smart and adequate people.
Apartment keys
The characters in the following story met at my club five years ago. Once in a class, I develop one of my favorite theses that any two people can create a family, if only they have a desire, and they do not have pronounced physical and moral defects. Love (or rather, falling in love) can both help and hinder them, and in principle it is not necessary. We discuss, argue, my arguments sound convincing.
And suddenly… Zhenya K. takes the keys out of his pocket, raises them for everyone to see and announces: “I agree with N.I., but I would like to check it out. Girls! These are the keys to my apartment. Who wants to be my wife? Any!”… Continue reading →
From an interview with N.I. Kozlova
Question:
Nikolai Ivanovich, once upon a time you wrote that a family can be created with any person (meaning two good, adequate, but, at the current moment, in general, people who are indifferent to each other). The theory of «unique halves» was politely teased. I hope I did not distort the idea too much by retelling?
A little later, in response to some question, you dropped: “Marina and I got too expensive for each other.” It seems to me that this phrase speaks of the uniqueness, features of your spouse for you. Those. Your family is not like an ordinary project (of which you have many) like starting another business / enterprise, but is something much more.
Actually the question: What do you think now, how important is the initial predisposition of people to each other? Yes, you gave examples in your books that it is possible to build a family without initial passion and awe, a sense of uniqueness, etc., solely on positive desire and action, but is this the best choice? Won’t it become a «castle in the sand», which can, in principle, safely stand, but can also be washed away if a flood suddenly begins, «a riot of eyes and a flood of feelings»?
Answer:
Yes, I wrote, “that a family can be created with any person (meaning two good, adequate, but, at the current moment, in general, people who are indifferent to each other). The theory of «unique halves» was politely joked. It’s like that.
Even today I think that all this is absolutely real, and it is useful to be able to do this. Because it is to be able to build relationships. And not just “want”, then “have”, and then “relate”.
What I would add today: great care is needed in the initial choice of a partner . Any two people can build relationships if they have a mutual desire to build them, but the price of such a building can be significantly different. In some couples, relationships develop easily and well, in another couple it hurts, for a long time, and it is difficult. Yes, everything is possible — but then why do it here, if it’s so expensive here?
Regarding the fact that “on the sand” and “washed away by a stream of feelings”, everything is complicated here. For those who are inclined to build relationships on feelings, they just leave after three months (well, for someone after three years), and since the relationship is not built, the attraction that has arisen for new eyes and legs — well, absolutely an irresistible temptation… And if we created something with our own hands and it turned out well, then the situation is at least no worse.
As for Marina, our situation, it seems to me, is completely unique. Next to her, I felt that it is possible not only to be in love and joy, but to create what millions of people have been dreaming of for hundreds of years: true love, giving love, bright love and forever.
This is not quite a situation of a “half”, here the level of personality of both is still very important: if people are without culture, then any half for him will be a bazaar squared.
And it attracted me not by “a riot of eyes and a flood of feelings”, although it was also — no, I think I was attracted by the very uniqueness of the project. After all, I am always a researcher, an experimenter … “But it’s not weak to create perfect love?” is a worthy challenge. And if it works out, it’s so simple — wow!
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.