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The partner has been harassing you for years, and then suddenly changed his anger to mercy: he admitted that he was wrong, apologized, began to make compliments, give gifts. Does this mean that now your relationship will change for the better? Psychotherapist Shari Stynes warns that this can all be a tricky trap.
The partner has always treated you cruelly, and suddenly he seemed to have been replaced: he became affectionate and friendly. Why did it happen?
There are three options here. First: the partner really wants to treat you better — either in order to look more worthy in the eyes of others, or to convince himself that he is a good person. Second: he wants something from you, and this is just a manipulation tactic. Third, the “bullying cycle” has entered a break phase.
Temporary goodwill allows the tormentor to convince himself that all the problems are really in you, because he is «so kind and generous.» But these periods of benevolence are just a new tactic of control and manipulation. They give the illusion of change, but in reality they are a strategy to divert your attention while maintaining power and control over you.
Your tormentor is sensitive to your vulnerabilities and promises to give you exactly what you crave.
Angie Atkinson, a coach who works with narcissistic partner victims, likes to give an example that illustrates what such victims have to go through. Imagine a baited fishhook. When your tormentor suddenly becomes kind (compliments, apologizes, pays attention), it’s like throwing a “worm” at you.
But this good attitude is a sham, like bait on a hook. Believing that there is food in front of her, the fish tries to pinch off a piece and immediately gets on the hook. What happens to the caught fish? She is killed, gutted and eaten! She dies trying to satisfy her hunger.
Your tormentor is sensitive to your vulnerabilities and promises to give you exactly what you crave. He offers the «bait» for your deepest unmet needs (many of which he created). And you are hooked.
Don’t be fooled. Understand that your partner’s «good» behavior has its own reasons, and most likely they have nothing to do with your interests. Domestic tyrants develop a real addiction to a sense of power and control. And you give your partner this feeling every time you spend your mental strength on him.
Victim portrait
Unfortunately, the victim also plays a role. In no way do I want to say that she is to blame for what is happening. Here I fully agree with the words of psychologist and specialist in the rehabilitation of victims of domestic violence Lundy Bancroft: “There is always only one person responsible for violence and abuse — the one who commits it.” By role, I mean that victims of domestic violence have certain traits. They are:
- quickly forget about cases of abuse,
- always ready to understand and forgive, do not hold evil,
- they really want to help their loved one change for the better (it seems to them that for this they should love him “better”),
- see abuse as a common problem that needs to be addressed together,
- tend to take responsibility for the cruelty of a partner.
When faced with a «kind» attitude, the victim begins to sincerely believe that the partner has changed, become reliable and trustworthy. She is ready to forget about past bullying and opens up to him, trustingly showing her weaknesses — in the future he will certainly take advantage of this.
Dangerous bonds
During the “good” times, victims of abuse often forget about the real dynamics of the relationship with their partner. With his unpredictable behavior, the tormentor manipulates the victim, forcing her to hope that in the future he will again behave well. Largely because of these hopes, the victims do not want to break off the relationship. This is how traumatic attachment occurs.
In turn, the reaction of the victim convinces the tyrant more and more that he has the right to think only of himself and do what he wants.
Illusions keep you trapped, reinforcing feelings of helplessness, and end in disappointment.
Changing this dynamic is not easy: the victims are often emotionally devastated, and the only thing that keeps them going is those brief periods of “kindness.” As a result, the victim clings to his fantasies (“one day everything will be fine”), and the tyrant clings to his (feeling more power and control).
If you find yourself in this position and want to get out of the trap, it is important not to have false hopes that the partner has changed, just because there are periods of calm and calm in the relationship. These illusions keep you trapped, reinforcing the feeling of helplessness, and inevitably end in disappointment when your partner reverts to the old behavior.
The author is Shari Stines, a psychotherapist, specialist in the treatment of personality disorders and the consequences of psychological trauma.