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When a family breaks up, fears interfere with maintaining a good relationship: children, ex-spouses, new partners. What are family members with a complex composition afraid of and how to deal with these fears?
“The conflicts that occur in a complex family are often generated by the fear of one of its members to lose their place or lose love,” says psychotherapist Christophe Fauré. “As a result, the mother’s or father’s new partner is sometimes given the role of scapegoat.” Each of the family members has their own fears, due to which he or she may behave inappropriately.
Parents fear for their children
There is a fear of exacerbating the trauma of divorce by forcing a new partner on the children; fear that the father or mother will denigrate the new partner in the eyes of children; fear that children will become attached to her or to him; fear of losing the love of children. And then the mother or father in a new marriage unconsciously prevents the new partner from getting close to the children, they cannot find the right distance with the former spouse.
Output: recover from guilt (perhaps with the help of a psychologist), assuage too much fear that we have inflicted irreparable injuries on children; accept your choice in love (staying in a couple that was no longer viable is not the best example for children).
The new partner is afraid of not finding his place
This may be a fear that in the newly formed union, the partner will not tolerate his presence next to the children, will not protect him from their hostility, and as a result he will be expelled. Such fears can lead to a refusal of responsibility or, conversely, to the forceful upholding of one’s positions.
Output: to reflect (with a partner) on their role as a foster parent who has authority, but does not take the place of a natural father or mother.
Children are afraid to lose love
“One of the parents fell out of love with the other, then why shouldn’t he stop loving us too?” children think. And they take on missions that are impossible: to expel a stranger, to reconcile their biological parents. And it is important to recognize these missions in order to free children from them.
Output: explain to the children (without going into details) the reasons why the parents broke up (they were no longer happy together); firmly let them know that their maneuvers are doomed to failure and that they should not interfere in the love life of adults.