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We used to associate childhood with spontaneity, ease, curiosity, willingness to make contact, but it is clear that not all children are like that. What to do if the child stubbornly avoids communication with strangers, makes new acquaintances with difficulty, is afraid to speak? Is it worth giving it to circles and courses where there are many other children? Explains psychiatrist and psychotherapist Alexander Parkhomenko.
What is isolation — a character trait of a modest, shy child or a manifestation of an illness? Each case must be dealt with separately. If your child finds it difficult to communicate with others, you should not put off going to a specialist — first of all, a psychiatrist — on the back burner. Only a doctor will be able to separate the norm from the pathology and, in the case of the latter, prescribe the necessary treatment or rehabilitation.
Alas, many parents drag this out to the last or carelessly believe that everything will “pass by itself”, and prefer not to interfere, but to observe from the outside. Sometimes the child himself helps them to make such a decision, assuring adults that everything is in order with him. Unfortunately, due to the immaturity of the personality, it can be difficult for him to separate this trait from his personality — it is easier to merge with it.
Wedge by wedge?
Many parents remember the saying «they knock out a wedge with a wedge» and send a withdrawn child to circles where he directly faces his fears. There can be two options for the development of events here. If a child has a pathology, such a step of the parents can harm both himself and those around him. But in the situation of the norm, when it comes to character accentuation, this can really help.
In any case, this should be done under the supervision of a psychiatrist, since if the process of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” is unfavorable, this accentuation can be aggravated or develop into a personality disorder.
So, for example, one day a girl with psychophysical infantilism (characterized by a delay in both physical and mental development) was sent to work on the advice of a specialist in behavioral psychology so that she would become more independent, sociable and responsible. The effect turned out to be the opposite: even greater self-doubt, lower self-esteem and aversion to a new type of activity — work. This would not have happened if the parents had turned to a specialist in a timely manner.
Therapy with creativity
If isolation is not a pathology, but a character trait, you should first work with the child’s self-esteem and feelings on an individual basis, then, with a favorable development of events, in a group. For example, a visit to a theater group can have a beneficial effect on a child: there he can become more open, sociable, courageous, confident.
Theater can be a way of creative self-expression: the actor experiences those emotions that he was afraid to experience in life, and this has a therapeutic effect. Many actors are rather closed people, but on stage or in the cinema they demonstrate incredible openness and sociability.
However, before enrolling a child in a circle or studio, ask him himself if he wants this. Try to understand whether he can interact productively with other members of the team. In no case should you put pressure on a child — in this way you will only deal a blow to his self-esteem and undermine his self-confidence. You can suggest to start with going to one lesson and listen to what he himself sees as an obstacle on the way to this type of activity.
“You don’t need to force a child — everything should be out of love”
Alexander Fedorov, Honored Artist of the Russian Federation, founder, director and artistic director of the Children’s Musical Theater of the Young Actor
In the entire thirty-year history of the DMTYuA, I remember four cases when very closed children came to us, whose parents asked for help — to interest and thereby liberate the child. And of course we helped. Slowly the children changed. Sometimes it may take a year for the child to fully master, open up, but the result is worth it.
Over the years of working with children, we have accumulated many methods to remove clamps. For example, at the audition, a girl sings a song, I give her a folded jacket, I say: “This is a small child. Take it, cradle it, sing the same song as a lullaby. The child begins to think about how best to do this, gets involved in the process, forgetting about external constriction. Or I come up and say: “Push me!” and get on my knees. “More push, let’s fight. Now read the fable, ”I pull emotions out of them.
At the same time, I am sure that a child who is not yet ready to go on stage should not be broken or forced. I always tell parents: everyone has their own time, take your time. And to the guys: parents are your best friends, trust them, do not hide anything, tell them everything. It happens that children do not want to go to the studio, but they are afraid to tell their parents about it. In this case, of course, nothing good will come of it, everything should be out of love.
“It would be nice to become more liberated, but on the other hand, it won’t be me anymore”
Sophie Maeda, singer-songwriter, 17
I am an introvert, and this quality began to manifest itself quite early: I never liked going to my classmates’ birthday parties, to discos. I preferred to stay at home, watch TV shows. Participating in school plays or reading a poem in front of the class, even if there are only five people in the group, has always been very difficult for me. But at the age of seven or eight I went to a theater group, and sometimes it was fun. Then she began to write music, but she played it only to her closest ones, performed on stage and did not think.
A little over a year ago, I first performed in public with my songs. At first it was hard. I went to acting classes, where I was taught how to shoot clamps with the help of screams, jumps and other tricks. It didn’t help me much.
Before going on stage, it is important for me to be in good vocal shape, so I do articulation exercises, and before each performance, the band and I rehearse a lot — this also gives me confidence. From time to time, the excitement becomes less and less, gradually I began to enjoy communicating with the audience. Sometimes it seems to me that it would be nice to become more liberated, but on the other hand, it will no longer be me.
I feel comfortable being alone with myself, it allows me to concentrate on creativity. I am grateful to my parents that they did not try to break me, but gently guided me, allowed me to make decisions on my own. I took the stage when I myself was internally ready for this. This is important for kids like me.