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Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in a child is a source of constant stress for the whole family. Still, efforts must be made to create a calm atmosphere in the house. Why peace is so important and how to ensure it – expert advice.
Cindy Goldrich is a psychologist and certified ADHD trainer. She counsels children and adolescents with ADHD, and also conducts trainings and seminars for doctors, educators and parents of children with this disorder. She is a co-founder of the Long Island ADHD Specialist Community (New York, USA) and served on the board of the Long Island Chapter of the International Dyslexia Association.
Four steps to peace
Raising a son or daughter with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is not easy. Each member of the family has reasons for frustration. The child may lose heart if necessary to complete the next homework, which seems to him tedious and boring. He may experience anxiety from many thoughts bouncing around in his head like ping-pong balls. He feels desperate because he is having such a hard time concentrating. Well, parents can lose their temper literally from everything – from endless morning gatherings to school and ending with ignoring any rules. Expecting to cheer up and push the child, you begin to put pressure on him, but this only makes it worse. Frustration grows, the child and parents experience a strong overstrain.
Read more:
- Attention deficit
Attention deficit specialist Cindy Goldrich explains: “Stress and overexertion can “turn off” or weaken the functions of the prefrontal cortex of the brain – the area that is responsible for managing mental activity, for the ability to plan, set goals, manage time. What’s more, children with ADHD likely already have a delay of up to 30% in developing these skills.” And the more tension and pressure from adults these children feel on themselves, the less they are able to concentrate, control their attention and emotions. Perhaps they would like to work faster, but a disruption in the brain prevents this. That is why it is so important to create a calm atmosphere in the family: without it, the child will not be able to study or solve his problems. Cindy Goldrich offers four challenges for parents to create that peaceful mindset for themselves and their children.
1. Pay attention to yourself
Adults need to first deal with self-regulation and self-control. There are many strategies that allow you to calm down. It helps someone to take a few deep, slow breaths in and out, someone to count to ten in their mind (slowly!). You can try to lower the timbre of your voice and speak more quietly. “When addressing a child with velvety, soft intonations, it is quite difficult to remain sharp and splash out strong emotions,” says Cindy Goldrich. – Politely explain to your son or daughter that you now need a pause to collect yourself. The child must understand that it is not a matter of wanting to avoid contact with him – just that you want to help him in the best possible way. Do not forget: adults are always responsible for their own reactions. And it is our task to find such “soothing” strategies that really work.”
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2. Raise that particular child.
You should not expect from your child an exact correspondence to a certain average statistical norm. Let go of your assumptions about what and when your child should do. Perhaps your son or daughter needs more time than their peers to reach their true potential. By tempering your expectations, you will be able to respond more adequately to his behavior.
3. Communicate your feelings without judging or criticizing
Be careful about the words you use to call to order or to make a remark. Always try to be kind and considerate. Of course, it’s not easy. But I would like to remind you once again: if you need peace to reign in the house, you must start with yourself. Continue to work on your behavior, learn to cope with anxiety and stress.
4. Teach kids to stay calm
Start by telling your child briefly and simply how their brain works. This will help him understand that he is able to control his actions. For example, you can explain to him that the area responsible for his executive skills is located in the front of the brain, you can call it the “thinking brain.” This area helps the child to get started, focus, remember, plan and organize, manage their emotions. Cindy Goldrich advises telling your child something like this:
“You are the CEO of your brain. Imagine that every single part of it is a manager who works in your team. Your task is to train each area of the brain so that it works at its best. And if one of your managers resists, I will tell you how to deal with it. Deep inside the temporal lobes of the brain is the amygdala, which controls your emotions. When you feel overwhelmed or anxious, the “emotional brain” takes over the “thinking brain” and prevents it from working properly. Therefore, it becomes difficult for you to study and solve various other problems.
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- How to stop being distracted: five saving ideas
What else can you do for the child and for yourself
Discuss different calming strategies with your child.: you can try to keep a diary and describe your thoughts and feelings there; you can keep your favorite thing at hand – a toy, pillow or blanket – with which very warm feelings are associated and the presence of which can console; you can look through magazines, retire for a while in your room. Teach him to be aware of his feelings and name them: “I feel anxious now”, “I am sad” …
Help your son/daughter to recognize those thoughts, physical sensations, and situations that signal that he is starting to get nervous. You can even come up with your own password, a code word that you will pronounce somewhere in a public place, noticing that the child is turned on or feels overexcited. Think in advance what will help him get out of this situation. Say something encouraging to him, offer to hug him. As Cindy Goldrich writes, “The solution to a problem is sometimes secondary to the empathy it needs in the moment.”
Assemble the “Calm Kit”. And keep it anywhere your child might need it, from the room to the car. Collect this kit with your son (daughter): it may include stickers, crayons, soap bubbles, plasticine, small toys, a coloring book and some kind of game.
Creating peace in your home and in your own soul is a smart and very valuable strategy. But in addition, parents of children with attention deficit need to:
- look for scientific information about how ADHD actually affects behavior;
- constantly strengthen the bond with the child;
- create and maintain connections between the child and others, teach him to cooperate;
- remain consistent in your actions and decisions.
Read more about this in S. Goldrich’s book “8 Keys to Parenting Children with ADHD”, WW Norton & Company, 8.