Contents
We are constantly looking for better conditions for life, trying to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy of respect. It is important for us to get what others have, we hope that one day we will evaluate our efforts and successes as a solid five and finally we will be able to be proud of ourselves. This reliance on valuations creates a lot of expectations and fears that lead to stress and frustration.
Strive to please others
It is impossible to please everyone without exception. Moreover, it is impossible even to always like one person, no matter how much we want it and try.
The tastes and preferences of others are different: some like blondes, others like brunettes, someone prefers bold, someone — recalcitrant, nothing can be done about it. In addition, their assessments depend on moods and conditions that are constantly changing: Vasya is ill, he needs care, and the audacity that so admired him in the woman he loves suddenly starts to annoy.
So is it worth giving importance to people’s assessments and even more so relying on them in decisions and actions?
Strive to please yourself
To like yourself is important, but sometimes not easy: from time to time, many happen to feel dislike and even disgust for themselves. At such moments, even obvious achievements and successes cannot convince us that we are worth something. No matter how many medals and honors we have, they are devalued by us, and someone immediately pops up in our memory who has even more of them and they are even redder.
It turns out that our assessment of ourselves cannot be reliable either. Maybe you should not strive for evaluations at all: both external and your own?
Estimates of expected consequences
Another tactic is to avoid negative consequences and pursue positive ones. We pretend that the boss is always right, we agree with him when everything is boiling inside, because we are afraid of being fired. Unemployment, lack of money. But where did we get the idea, firstly, that we will definitely be fired if we speak out, and secondly, that being left without money is bad?
Can’t the courage, initiative and sincerity of an employee impress the boss, inspire respect and help career growth? And the one who loses his job often gains much more: he finds a calling, changes priorities and values, becomes freer and happier, leaves fears, finally realizes his dream, and there are many such examples.
The intended consequences cannot be our guideline.
We cannot know what the consequences will actually be, which we assess in advance as positive. A long-awaited leap in the development of your own business or a quick career advancement can lead to family breakup, severe stress or mental breakdown. And vice versa, the crisis, which was so frightening, can become a stage during which life will change for the better.
It turns out that the expected consequences cannot be our guideline either.
Pleasure seeking and emotional impulses
What is left for us? Perhaps follow your desires? I wanted to say or do right now — I took it and did it. I wanted to eat a cake for the night — I ate it, I wanted to leave my family — I got divorced. But desires are unstable. They can grow both from unconscious instincts and needs, and from actual emotions. We are aware of only a small part of our desires, they pull us in different directions. If you always go to their call, then you will not be able to bring your plans to the end and implement projects.
Extreme forms of dependence on emotions and getting pleasure here and now lead to antisocial behavior, alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction and other forms of addiction. If you follow emotional impulses all the time, then, for example, in a state of anger or deep sadness, you can harm yourself and others.
Valuables
And what about values? With what we consider important, correct, useful, what inspires, for which we are ready to sacrifice momentary pleasure, what fills our life with meaning. In order for values to motivate us, it is important to choose them consciously and independently. And in order to live in accordance with them, you need to remind yourself of them as often as possible. Otherwise, there is a great risk of regularly going astray, following the tastes of feelings, desires and the habit of evaluating everything and everyone.
An exercise
A meditative exercise will help you to “taste” life without dependence on grades and learn how to consciously return yourself to this state.
Close your eyes and imagine how you would be, how you would feel if you did not need anyone’s approval, if you did not go in cycles in fives, praise and admiration. What would you do? What would be your perception of what is happening?
Take your time, linger in this state of independence from approval, remember it. Think about your usual activities. What would be different about it if you didn’t need recognition?
Note what happens in your body: are you comfortable, what happens to your breathing, what postures do you want to take
Pay attention to relationships with people. What are they, how do you feel next to them? Imagine that you do not strive to make your parents proud of you, so that your partner is always pleased with you, your boss and colleagues note your abilities and skills, so that your children appreciate everything you do for them.
Note what happens in your body: are you comfortable, what happens to your breathing, what postures do you want to take. Remember these feelings. Try to keep this perception as long as possible. It is useful in stressful situations to ask yourself the question: “What would I be doing now and how would I feel if I did not need approval?”