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Adults who try to separate from their difficult parents find that the process is not as quick or easy as they would like. What stops us from living our lives? And what steps will help you get out of the web of a toxic family?
A person who grew up in an atmosphere of covert or overt violence sooner or later thinks about how to separate from toxic parents. This is a necessary step in order to have a chance to build your life — a happier one, in which there will be a place for love and respect for yourself. But it is not so easy to “break away” in such a situation. Let’s take a closer look at two obstacles that can interfere with this, and explore options for solving problems.
Reason #1: Inner Transformation Takes Time
In the process of separation, the adult child gradually leaves the habitual and long internal symbiosis with the parents. This «bunch» was formed in childhood. And it takes time to get out of the symbiosis and stop taking the position of the victim. After all, our psyche is very inert, even for the sake of such a good goal, it changes reluctantly and slowly.
The reason for the inertia of the psyche is that it is “afraid” of everything new, even if the new is to our advantage. In the depths of our souls, we understand that as a result of separation, we will not only free ourselves from the negative influence of our parents, but also receive other pleasant life “bonuses” — increased self-esteem, promotion at work, a chance for new relationships, and so on.
When we try to learn something big and different, we all fail. The psyche takes a step forward and then a step back
This is a lot and therefore unusual and frightening! Fearing change, our psyche moves towards the goal gradually in order to cope with the fear of the new and not “overheat”. This is a normal defense mechanism developed over the centuries.
One woman said in a counseling session, “God, it wasn’t until I was 48 that I realized how toxic my late stepmother was and realized that I had laid my youth at her altar. I feel so sorry for these years and myself!”
There is good consolation in this sad insight — this woman was previously incapable of separation for a number of reasons. Her psyche would not have survived the drastic transformation, defense mechanisms carefully kept her from realizing the toxicity of the relationship. And now the woman is changing her attitude to the past and is internally separated. She is making up for lost time and plans to live for the next 30-40 years the way she herself, and not her stepmother, wants.
Reason number 2: the psyche develops back and forth
When we try to learn something big and different, we all fail. The psyche takes a step forward and then a step back. For example, a person says to himself: I am becoming more independent from my parents. After that, he can easily fall for one of their «hooks». For example, succumb to the devaluation of your success by a toxic father.
In response, an adult son or daughter rises a wave of indignation and a desire to prove his father wrong. There is an argument that turns into a skirmish, then the person blocks the father on the phone, and it takes a week to internally move away from the affect of righteous rage.
So, this is normal, although unpleasant. Symbiosis with «toxins» is not destroyed by one painful jerk in one day. It takes a lot of time for an adult man or woman to learn to «endure» themselves in order to be «born» again as an adult.
But why is the separation so slow and gradual?
To paraphrase psychoanalyst Juan-David Nacio, we can say that in order to leave behind a toxic relationship with parents, a person must constantly return to them and constantly “re-experience” them, without turning away from new unpleasant sensations. In this way, the adult person gradually moves towards separation, remembering his past countless times and allowing it to be embodied in action again and again.
Each return to the past and each return from the past is another step forward, another “micro-birth” of a new self.
When we fall into their hooks and fall into the precarious states of the victim, we can give ourselves a great gift — not to judge ourselves.
If an adult could summarize the process of separation in one sentence, he would say: “In order to separate, I must separate from my parents and from the child that I was. And in order to separate from it, I must constantly remember it and allow it to return to me in words, emotions and actions that weave the fabric of my life today.
So, occasional lapses into symbiosis with toxic parents are a normal part of the separation process, and we grow during them. And there is an important point here.
When we fall for their hooks and fall into the precarious condition of the victim, we can give ourselves a very big gift — not to judge ourselves. For example, say to yourself: “Yes, I just got hooked again, upset that my mother did not wish her granddaughter a happy birthday”!
Another example of addressing oneself: “My mother called me from another city, I got into a conversation again, trying to prove my point, and after this conversation I feel bad again. Yes, I fell back into a childish state again, because I had not yet completely separated. Sometimes everyone makes these mistakes. This is another separation step. Next time, I might try to feed the toxic mother less of my emotions. I will gradually come out of the symbiosis. Life after the conversation with the mother did not stop. I’ll still have a chance.»
HOW TO GO FURTHER?
Move to the best of your ability. When we make mistakes, we can say to ourselves: “Yes, I stepped on a rake again, but only those who do not separate do not step on them!” This brings us to the important aspect of separation.
LOVE YOURSELF THIS AT LEAST FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS
To get out of the victim position, the best thing we can do is to try to love ourselves. Yes, such a “worthless”, stepping on a rake, unsuccessful, dependent.
At this moment, a tectonic shift occurs in our inner universe: the stars change places, the poles shift, the shadows of the past begin to move. For a second we cease to be in symbiosis with «toxins» and become free. As paradoxical as it sounds, these seconds help us take the biggest step in separation.
We can become softer towards ourselves, more condescending, treat with understanding. This will make us so different from aggressive parents! And so obviously we will not fit into a co-dependent relationship, into a symbiosis of a victim and a rapist … Sooner or later we will come to our goal. You just need to not turn off the chosen path and show compassion for yourself.