We used to think that happiness in love is a fusion, a complete understanding, almost mind reading. What risks does such an idea of harmony in relationships carry? And how to avoid losses along the way?
Healthy relationships always involve personal boundaries. How to set boundaries in relationships with the closest people?
The euphoria of first dates is replaced by the delight of the first months of life together, when you and your partner are like one. Such feelings are natural for the beginning of a relationship. Instead of “mine” and “yours”, “ours” appears. However, when the euphoria subsides, both partners begin to feel discomfort and often do not realize why this is happening.
In fact, the reasons are typical for most couples in a situation that psychologists call confluence. This means that there is no understanding of each other’s personal boundaries between partners. Why it happens? At the romantic stage of a relationship, it is difficult to accept the need for such boundaries. Partners negatively perceive any attempts to establish a distance. It is believed that a loved one should anticipate desires and read minds. After all, that’s true love. And borders are a rigid artificial structure that is poorly compatible with romance and immediacy of feeling.
Psychotherapists note that often couples who seek help are sure that the presence of personal boundaries and love are mutually exclusive things. Nevertheless, experts say that “believing harmony with algebra” is the only way to a healthy relationship. It is clear boundaries and their observance that contribute to mutual understanding and closeness.
Boundaries can be violated only as a last resort, subject to mutual understanding and goodwill of the second partner. However, when the invasion of personal space occurs in an aggressive form, this is a signal to start protecting it. It is in love, romantic relationships that boundaries are especially important, because partners let each other get too close, both emotionally and physically.
Borders that don’t work
Here are some common cases of boundary violations:
- The use of the words “always”, “never” and similar words denoting some kind of absolute limitation. In this case, the observance of boundaries becomes unrealistic, and they themselves become short-lived. Examples are the statements “you must always”, “you never can”.
- Double standards or attempts at manipulation: “If you don’t get home by X time, I won’t be able to sleep until the morning”, “If you don’t do X, it will cause irreparable harm to my health.”
- Fuzziness, ambiguity in the definition of boundaries: “Don’t spend a lot of money today” or “You have to pick up the kids from school several times a week.” Such requests can be interpreted in different ways, they are not specific.
How to set healthy and working boundaries
Healthy borders are the result of skillful diplomacy, only not on an interstate, but on an interpersonal scale. Their definition is the result of joint work of partners. Boundaries help to organize life together in such a way that partners have time and opportunities to fulfill their personal needs. Most often, boundary violations occur not through malicious intent, but due to misunderstanding. And it, in turn, arises from the lack of information. To avoid such problems, following a few simple rules will help:
- Clearly state your needs. For example, if you want to be treated as an equal in financial matters, let your partner know.
- Formulate your requirements specifically and unambiguously. The clearer you define the boundaries, the better. For example, you can say: “Please do not read my messenger. I feel insulted when you don’t respect my privacy.”
- Pay attention to your partner’s reaction. Try to discuss issues in a way that makes both of you feel understood and heard.
- Use the pronoun “I” in discussions. When you say “I” it helps you become more aware of your feelings. And at the same time, the partner does not need to defend himself. Instead of saying “You should do this” or “You should always do this”, say “I feel” or “I would appreciate it”, “I would like to…”.
- Use the “sandwich approach”: a compliment, then a criticism, then a compliment again. If you start with a compliment, then the partner will more easily accept criticism, and praise after the comment will prevent conflict. For example, you might say, “I love having sex with you, it’s an amazing part of our relationship. But I found that in the morning I’m in the mood, but at night I just want to sleep. Can we continue to have sex when it pleases both of us?
Of course, it cannot be guaranteed that following the rules will ensure understanding and harmony in a couple. But the likelihood of avoiding a scandal is definitely getting higher. After all, we all accept criticism more easily when we know that we are appreciated, heard and understood.