Contents
Imagine that a loved one demonstrates bright career success – how would you react to this? Everything will largely depend on what gender you and your half are, the researchers say.
University of Georgia psychology professor Abraham Tesser published a study in 1982 that showed that the success of others can negatively affect our self-confidence*. Tesser’s model of maintaining high self-esteem implied that the achievements of a person we know in some cases undermine our self-confidence, because of which we begin to distance ourselves or criticize someone else’s success. A benevolent attitude requires some inner work on oneself. How does this mechanism work in the context of romantic relationships? Tesser and colleagues described two possible opposite scenarios. The first is what psychologist Robert Cialdini called “bathing in reflected glory.” This means that we associate the positive qualities and achievements of a partner with our own. And our self-confidence can increase if a loved one succeeds, and, conversely, decrease if he fails. At the same time, the success of a partner can lead to a loss of self-confidence. This happens if “my partner is successful” we interpret as “he is more successful than me.” Subsequent studies have shown that women tend to identify themselves with the success of their beloved, while men are by no means so tolerant of the achievements of their spouse. Psychologists Keith Ratliff of the University of Florida and Shigeiro Oishi of the University of Virginia published data from experiments in which they asked 32 couples to take an intelligence test**. The test scores were not scored, but each participant was told that their partner scored either the top 12 or the bottom 12. The men who were told that their woman had a high score subsequently found themselves performing lower on a self-confidence test than those who were told that their half had a low score. In two other online experiments, men were asked to remember a time when their wife or girlfriend was successful. Participants then took a hidden test of their level of self-confidence. The results showed that the majority of men felt insecure if half of them succeeded, especially in the area in which they were also involved. Women, on the contrary, showed greater relationship satisfaction, remembering the time when their partner was successful, and less mentally returning to his unsuccessful times.
Read more:
- Sex and confidence
Interestingly, all the participants passed hidden tests and did not know about their true purpose. None of the men openly admitted that the success of a woman makes them feel worse. Why don’t men admit it? “There are two hypotheses,” says study author Keith Ratliff. – First: men are afraid to speak negatively, because they do not want to indirectly admit that their assessment of their own competence has been shaken. The second hypothesis is based on the fact that men are not aware of the fact that the success / failure of a girlfriend or wife somehow affects their self-esteem. The psyche successfully defends our feelings both in relation to its own competence and in relation to our love union. Thus, people’s feelings can be hurt, but at the same time, another unconscious mechanism begins to work, which displaces these experiences and does not allow them to blow us up from the inside. Shigeiro Oishi believes that, at the same time, we cannot ignore these unconscious manifestations, because if our self-confidence remains low for a significant time, then this begins to affect our behavior, that is, how relationships with a partner will develop. .
Read more:
- On the hook of success
Loss of your importance
Men rate their professional and social significance higher than women. Researchers note that men tend to overestimate their competence, and women tend to overestimate their skills in resolving conflict situations and the ability to bring parties to a compromise. And as soon as the competence of men is indirectly questioned, it starts to bother them. Psychologist Eleanor Maccoby, studying the gender difference in children at the age of five or six, noted that from an early age, boys, interacting in games, tend to dominate rigidly. Girls also try to achieve their goals, but at the same time trying not to disturb the harmony in the group of children playing ***.
“The desire for greater competence in men is explained by the peculiarities of the existing patriarchal hierarchy, in which it was they who made the main decisions and were responsible, by the fact that the evolutionarily most aggressive of them became beneficiaries, receiving accompanying benefits, as well as by the obvious mismatch of biological mechanisms that predetermine the behavior of men and women,” says Maccoby. The readiness for competition is manifested in men unconsciously. However, this mechanism acquires conscious power due to social stereotypes, which are precisely these qualities – the eternal winner – cultivated in almost any culture. “Despite superficial social equality, women are still associated with less competence and success-orientation than men,” notes Steven Karau, co-author of a study on social stigma against women leaders. “And these same gender stereotypes in many ways allow a woman to easily and without damage to self-esteem make a choice in favor of a successful partner”****.
Read more:
- work boredom
Fear of parting
A number of researchers believe that the main unconscious driver of the fact that men are not ready to sincerely rejoice at the success of their half is jealousy. “Not only research, but also the experience of practicing therapists shows that there is a life truth in the common notion that a man unconsciously seeks physical attraction in a woman, while a woman is attracted to a man’s ability to achieve, says clinical psychologist Mark White. “Thus, when a woman achieves success by raising her social status, her partner unconsciously begins to worry that as a result she will be interested in another man who is superior to her position. A man who will be stronger than herself. This becomes for her partner a trigger for the fear that he will not be able to compete with a more “status” rival.” In a romantic union, we are faced with an internal conflict: the need for rapprochement is simultaneously associated with the fear of a possible loss of the relationship and the inevitable pain because of this. “People with low levels of self-confidence, feeling threatened by their union, immediately begin to distance themselves from their partner in order to avoid possible emotional trauma,” says Mark White. “Of course, this is an unconscious mechanism, and a woman may not give the slightest reason for jealousy at the same time – the rival appears solely in the imagination of her partner.”
Is a compromise possible?
“In sociology, there are theories that advocate for the historically established gender distribution of labor and consider a clear correspondence to gender stereotypes as the key to the stability of the family,” says Jungian analyst Lev Khegai. – However, from a psychological point of view, there is more life and balance where there is more flexibility and diversity. In a harmonious couple, both partners do not stand still, but develop. In the process of development, they manifest themselves in a new way and rediscover each other.” Gestalt therapist Maria Lekareva-Bozenenkova believes that it is important for a woman to find those issues, including work, on which a man can consult, letting him know how important his support and participation are for her: “I want to discuss this situation with you”, “ Your point of view is very important to me.” “A woman should not make the typical mistakes of men who plunge headlong into business,” emphasizes the Gestalt therapist. – To the husband’s question “Why do you spend so little time with your family?” no need to say that this is done for the benefit of everyone and she is the main breadwinner.” “If we want our relationship to develop, we always have to make efforts to work on ourselves internally,” recalls Mark White. The well-being of the union and our inner psychological well-being depends on our willingness to face our experiences and be aware of them. Unleashed envy and jealousy rob relationships of life and lead them to a dead end.
* Journal of Personality, 1982, September;
onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.1982.tb00750.x/abstract
** Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2013, August;
apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-a0033769.pdf
*** American Psychological Society, 2002, April;
facweb.northseattle.edu/avoorhies/Gender/Readings/Development/Gender%20and%20group%20process_A%20developmental%20perspective.pdf
**** Psychological Review, 2002, July;
ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12088246