Hated because imbued with their person, selfish, without empathy and condescending; narcissistic people feel superior to others. The one we talk about the most, because potentially dangerous for his victims, is the narcissistic pervert. But there are other profiles of narcissistic personalities. How do you recognize a narcissistic person? What are the causes of narcissism? How to deal with a narcissist?

“Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a constant sense of superiority (megalomania), a need to be admired, and a lack of empathy”, Can we read on the site of the MSD Manual, the world reference for medical information. Narcissism comes from the Greek character Narcissus, who falls in love with his own image reflected in the water. Narcissists are, by extension, people who love and admire themselves beyond reason. The concept of narcissism entered psychiatry thanks to Sigmund Freud.

The latter distinguishes primary narcissism from secondary narcissism. Primary narcissism is a normal infantile stage during which the child learns to love himself by eroticizing his own body. Secondary narcissism is itself pathological. It becomes a perversion when an adult cannot detach himself from himself to invest himself with others. You should know that an individual who evolves normally detaches himself to reach out to others, while keeping a part of self-esteem. 

According to DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissistic personality disorder manifests itself with at least 5 of these symptoms (they must appear in early adulthood):

• An overvaluation of its capacities. The narcissist thinks his skills and accomplishments are extraordinary. And because of this, he should be seen as superior to others.
• The impression of being unique. The narcissist thinks he is special and therefore considers that he should communicate only with special and high-ranking people.
• A constant and excessive need to be loved and admired.
• An obsession with power, success and beauty.
• A lack of empathy. The narcissist sees only himself and therefore cannot be interested in the needs and feelings of others.
• Arrogance and a haughty attitude.
• A need to manipulate others to achieve one’s ends.
• The feeling that others envy him.
• The feeling that everything is due to him.

The American psychologist Theodore Milton, a specialist in personality disorders, has distinguished several profiles of narcissistic personalities who act differently:

• The manipulative narcissist. He has no qualms about using others to get what he wants.
• The seductive narcissist. He uses his irresistible charm to manipulate others. Seduction is physical but also intellectual. He’s the narcissistic pervert.
• The passive-aggressive narcissist. He considers others to be worse off than him and constantly complains about their incompetence.
• The elitist narcissist. He loves power, domination and manifests it with a haughty attitude.
• The fanatic narcissist. He thinks big and always wants more than he has because he feels he deserves it. This is what we call “having the madness of grandeur”.

These different profiles have, however, been discussed on several occasions by specialists because the same narcissistic person can display several profiles at the same time. They would then only be variants of the same disorder. Also, certain characteristics of narcissistic disorder are found in other personality disorders. It is therefore difficult to put a single label on a personality, due to its complexity. We also note that pathological narcissists often suffer from other disorders such as depression (following one or more failures that they could not endure), anorexia nervosa, a disorder linked to substance abuse (la cocaine for example) or a personality disorder (borderline or paranoid).

The possible causes of narcissistic personality disorder are manifold. The risk factors would be both genetic and environmental:

• To have received a strict education where you always had to excel to be rewarded or conversely to have received a too lax education where the compliments were flowing and the admiration was limitless.
• A lack of self-esteem that makes you lose the means at the slightest failure. To hide this fragility, narcissists make others believe that they are sure of themselves and good at everything. This lack of esteem is also found in the fact that they envy people they (secretly) consider better than them.
• Trauma suffered in the past (abuse, assault, betrayal). Narcissism is then a defense mechanism so as not to be destroyed again.
• Parents themselves narcissists, who have never taught their child empathy and modesty.

Two schools clash on this subject: one which advocates opposition and one which favors empathy.

Oppose the narcissist

Narcissistic behaviors, if repeated, are often unbearable for the people who experience them. It then becomes tempting to say “stop!”. This reaction can be useful in making the narcissist understand that their behavior is selfish and that you don’t like it: “I would like you to stop talking about yourself so that I can talk to you about what is bothering me or making me happy right now. This conversation is an exchange”, “Tu just denigrate others, but are they so incompetent as you say they are? Maybe they manage to do things that you are unable to do …The idea is to put it back in its place, without being mean. In a relationship, the narcissist will always want to take the reins, make him understand that he is not alone and that if he wants the relationship to last, he is going to have to give you some room.

Be tolerant of the narcissist

For that, it is useful to understand the origin of the narcissism of the person (strict or too flexible education, old trauma…) to better understand it and to tolerate its behavior. To congratulate her on what she has accomplished only when it is deserved, but without exaggerating so as not to put her on a pedestal. The narcissist does not support the success of others, it is better to remain discreet about his own successes and privileges so as not to awaken his jealousy and provoke a surge of egocentrism by way of overbidding. For the good of the relationship and if you support his behavior, do not go to the confrontation at the risk of weakening your bonds with this person.