“Victims”, “daddy’s girls”, co-dependent, who have lost themselves and their boundaries … We often do not think about the fact that we follow the same neurotic scenario in relationships. Can it be rewritten? Psychologist Galina Tkachenko talks about this.
What is a healthy relationship between a man and a woman? These are relationships in which there is closeness and respect, mutual understanding and support, striving for common goals. Unfortunately, not all couples can boast of this. About 90% of the population of our country, in my opinion, is in a neurotic relationship, the scenario of which is «inherited» from previous generations. When a child grows up in a family of neurotics, where, for example, dad drinks and offends mom, and most of the time everyone around complains about life and the lack of prospects, it’s hard to think that it’s different.
Such a picture of the world excludes other models. The child becomes neurotic and, growing up, is looking for the same partner to suffer together, live addiction, longing and a sense of hopelessness. Women endure insults and humiliation, men live with a sense of uselessness and worthlessness. And at the same time, they are afraid to be left without a partner: without him, the level of security becomes very low.
An urgent need for a relationship, the ability to feel safe only in a couple, is the first sign of a neurotic relationship. In such unions, everyone repeats: “I want to be loved!” and does not consider the needs of others. This “blanket” is bursting at the seams, but it continues to be pulled in different directions.
Neurotic relationships develop according to different scenarios, and four common types can be distinguished.
«Father’s daughter»
One partner acts as a child, the second as a parent. The first is completely dependent on the second, unable to solve problems, waiting to be taken care of. For a “parent”, such relationships in which he thinks and decides for two help to prove his worth.
«On needles»
A vivid example: a woman living with an alcoholic. She suffers, but does not find the will to leave, because a man will completely disappear without her. Saving the family, she does not realize that she is dependent on the partner’s dependence.
«One unit»
Such neurotics are afraid of loneliness, cannot imagine their life without a partner, and even in a short separation they feel very bad. A loved one for them is like a part of the body, without which life is incomplete.
«Victim»
Such people put their whole lives at the feet of a partner, waiting for recognition, but, as a rule, do not receive it. Then they use guilt in the hope of getting a reward for their merit.
On the way to change
Neurotic people are demanding and insatiable, but they are completely unaware of how much. They want more all the time. This need of them is childish, and the thought that one can not only take, but also give, does not arise.
This is how many families live. Outwardly, these are completely ordinary couples. They have children who see this model and build relationships based on it. They learn well that love must be earned, but their parents have no love left for them. By definition, there is none — there is neurosis and fears.
The basic need in a neurotic relationship is a sense of security, confidence and calmness, but this task is almost impossible to solve. The other person is unable to convince us that everything is in order. Only we ourselves can provide ourselves with this feeling.
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Does this mean that such couples cannot change? Not at all. If one partner is able to see the situation for what it is, there is a chance to fix everything. However, you need to be prepared for the fact that the process of change will be long. What brought us into the relationship took decades to develop, and it takes time to get your life back on track.
Of the four types of neurotic relationships, the most difficult in this regard is Trainspotting: the treatment of an addict will require the joint work of a psychotherapist and a narcologist. Simply agreeing that from Monday the partner quits drinking will not work.
If the relationship has already developed, attempts to change them may meet resistance from the second partner.
It is also difficult to change the relationship of the “One Whole” format: they are based on psychological trauma, which most likely occurred at an early age. If the fear of being alone is very strong, you should contact a specialist.
It is important for «daddy’s daughters» to learn to pay attention to the moments when they refuse responsibility. It is worth writing down these situations and asking yourself: “What will happen if I do this myself?”
“Victims” also have to learn to take responsibility for their lives. Only by realizing that everything that is now (including relationships) was created by her hands, the victim can ask himself the question: “Do I really want it to be like this? If not, what can I do today to change that?”
It is important to understand: if the relationship has already developed, attempts to change them may meet resistance from the second partner. However, the fact that one neurotic becomes «healthier» does not mean that the union is over. He has a chance if the second partner also takes the path of change. In any case, you need to start with yourself, and then find out from your loved one whether he is ready to work on himself.