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Sometimes some part of us becomes our “inner critic”, which inspires us with doubts and fears. Sometimes we let them control us. But fears can be overcome. Several effective techniques from a psychotherapist.
Have you ever heard an inner voice that whispers, “You are not good enough. You won’t get anything. It’s not worth trying”? But we are not doomed to remain captive to these fears: on the contrary, we can overcome them.
Fear has a purpose
Fear tries to help us stay safe. But sometimes we don’t need protection and just overestimate the risk and underestimate our own resilience.
Anxiety grows when we focus on the negative. By constantly replaying the worst-case scenario in our minds, we feed our fear. Sometimes it keeps us from reaching our full potential, keeps us from taking risks and doing what we want to do, keeps us in a job that doesn’t suit us or in a relationship that doesn’t satisfy us. Fear tries to protect us from shame, ridicule, loneliness.
What are you afraid of?
Most of the most common fears boil down to the following:
- fear of failure;
- fear of change;
- fear of experiencing painful experiences;
- fear of being abandoned or rejected.
How to overcome fear
Overcoming fear is a process that begins with awareness and requires a willingness to change your thinking and behavior. Here are 9 tips to help you:
1. It is important to notice when fear takes over. Awareness of the problem is an essential part of any change.
2. Think What exactly is fear stopping you? What motivates you to overcome it? What exactly will your life be better for when you finally get over it?
3. What beliefs underlie your fears? For example, if you think leaving a bad job or ending a bad marriage means you’re a failure, you’ll endure these situations even after it’s clear that nothing good comes out of it. If your fear of abandonment stems from an internal belief in your own inferiority, you may find yourself again and again starting relationships with people who treat you badly in order not to be left alone.
4. Try to avoid black and white thinking. Life is too complicated to describe people in categories like “successful” or “failed”, “smart or stupid”. It’s best not to label yourself like that.
5. Don’t think about the end result. It doesn’t define who you are. If you are afraid that the result will not be as you would like, be afraid to even try. But often the result depends not only on us. You can follow the strictest diet according to all the instructions, but this does not guarantee that you will lose 5 kg (the result you expect). Therefore, it is better to focus on what is under your control – your actions and thoughts.
6. Possibly the worst has already happened, and this is the reason for the alarm. I had a teenage client who refused to go to college, which in itself is not a disaster, but I was surprised because he had very good grades. He understood that he was afraid of being rejected and that his fear of not going to college was illogical given his academic performance. After digging into his past, we found out that his father, with whom he no longer had a relationship, often shamed him, saying things like: “You are such a fool. Why are you trying to achieve something? Your grandfather didn’t achieve anything, and neither did your father. What makes you think you’re better than anything?” The worst thing has already happened to this young man – he was rejected by his father, and he continued to live in fear of being rejected again.
7. Rate the reality of their fears. How likely is the outcome of the events that scares you? In general, we tend to overestimate the likelihood of possible troubles and misfortunes and constantly “scroll” them in our heads, instead of taking a sober look at things.
8. Maybe Are you a more resilient person than you think? Even if your worst fears come true, perhaps you can still cope and survive what happened? Remember how many difficult and painful situations you have already experienced in life.
9. To reduce anxiety try different relaxation techniques, such as the grounding exercise (see below). If you have been diagnosed with one of the anxiety disorders, or suspect that you may be suffering from one of these disorders, it is important to see a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. Fear serves a purpose. It should not be ignored, but it is important to critically analyze it in order to understand how justified it is. If it is unreasonable, start to overcome it little by little, at first doing only what causes a little discomfort. Step by step you will be able to discover new possibilities.
Grounding exercise to reduce anxiety:
- Rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10.
- Sit on a chair or sofa. Keep your back straight and place your feet on the floor. Relax your shoulders.
- Breathe slowly and deeply.
- How many windows are in the room?
- How many electrical outlets do you see?
- How do you feel about the chair or sofa you are sitting on? Is he soft? Hard?
- What color are your trousers? Shoes?
- What do you hear?
- What material is the floor made from? Is he even or not? Soft or hard? Clean or dirty? Do you see any flaws in it?
- List your favorite TV shows or series.
- Name all the geometric shapes that you can remember.
- Rate your level of anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10. If it is still above 5, repeat the exercise.
About the author: Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist.