In relationships, we often choose to turn a blind eye to what upsets or annoys us in a partner. So why are we in conflict? But this is a big mistake, psychologists say. It is necessary to deal with the contradictions that have arisen so that in the future they do not spoil the relationship.
The word «conflict» has a bad reputation — we automatically assume that conflict leads to the destruction of relationships. Many avoid quarrels like the plague, believing that it is better to ignore some contradictions and pretend that they do not exist than to allow a collision.
“In fact, not every conflict spoils relationships: sometimes it prevents a much more serious and really destructive confrontation,” says New York psychotherapist Michael Batshaw, author of books about couples. And he adds: “There are no problems that are too small, any problems need to be discussed.”
Another well-known specialist and author of books on the topic of relationships, Terry Orbach, agrees with him, warning: «Do not leave the little things without attention.»
The study, which she has been conducting for almost 24 years, involving the same couples, allows her to assert that «unresolved small contradictions eventually develop into big problems that are already very difficult to deal with.»
But in order for the conflict not to spoil the relationship, but, on the contrary, to lead to constructive results and contribute to the strengthening of the couple, you need to follow some safety rules. Here’s what the experts advise.
1. Learn to listen to your partner. Communication is the key to conflict resolution. And in order for it to be effective, you need to listen very carefully to your partner, and not think about why he is wrong, explains Michael Batshaw.
According to him, partners who are «stuck» in a conflict are usually not able to show empathy for each other.
The task is to find a win-win solution, in which both win, so that no one has the feeling that he obeys the will of the other.
2. Together come up with a solution that will suit both. Each of you may have your own anxieties and fears. Family therapist Susan Heitler believes it’s important to share your worries with your partner so that you can then brainstorm and come up with a solution together that works for both of you. But stubbornly defending your point of view is not worth it.
She gives an example: Imagine a couple arguing about parking. A husband doesn’t want his wife to park her car in the parking garage when she travels downtown on business. His wife considers his claims ridiculous: most often, except in the garage, there is nowhere to park.
But let’s try to delve deeper into their positions: what anxieties do we find? The husband worries that there is little room to maneuver in the parking lot, and therefore scratches or dents appear on the car from time to time. And repairs are not cheap, which was the reason for his dissatisfaction.
The wife, on the other hand, worries that she may be late for her business meetings if she is looking for parking on the street.
After stating their concerns, they began to discuss how to solve this problem. The husband offered to buy a wide rear-view mirror so that the wife could be more careful during maneuvers in the parking lot. In addition, he was ready to take her to the city himself, since he had recently started working from home and could afford to be distracted by a trip.
Explaining what does not suit you, talk only about the actions, behavior of the partner, but not about his personal qualities
The wife, in turn, said that she would park the car on the top floor of the garage, where there is usually more free space and, therefore, there is less risk of scratching the car. In addition, she was not opposed to leaving the car away from the center and walking to the meeting point: she still lacks physical activity.
“The general principle here is this: your anxiety is my anxiety,” says Susan Heitler.
The task is to find a win-win solution, in which both win, so that no one has the feeling that he obeys the will of the other. But a constructive conversation can only be if the partners are relaxed and positive.
“If partners oppose each other, then in the end they experience negative feelings, at least frustration. And when they develop a common solution, they feel even more loving and close people, ”the psychotherapist emphasizes.
3. Discuss actions without getting personal. Terry Orbach draws attention to this.
“When explaining what doesn’t suit you, talk only about your partner’s actions, behavior, but not about his personal qualities,” she notes. “It will be much easier for him to hear you, and he will understand what he needs to work on.”
4. Have serious conversations when you are calm. For a constructive explanation, we need an emotionally safe environment.
“Then we can describe to our partner our thoughts/feelings/experiences related to the conflict, and respectfully talk about all this, instead of figuring out who is right and who is wrong,” says San Francisco-based clinical psychologist Robert Solly, who specializes in psychotherapy steam.
«Don’t start a conversation when you’re overwhelmed with emotion,» Batshaw agrees. “They cloud your thoughts and you see everything in a distorted light.” It is important to think carefully about what you want to say in advance.
5. If you get nervous, take a break. Once again, it is vital to remain calm when it comes to a controversial topic. But in practice, of course, a conversation can upset, excite, annoy.
We all make mistakes, and we need to be able to admit that we were wrong in some of our arguments.
If you feel overwhelmed by emotions, stop the conversation to calm down. If you can’t deal with them, move the conversation to tomorrow, Batshaw advises.
6. Set boundaries. Determine for yourself what is acceptable to you and what is not (for example, foul language, physical assault, screaming, squealing), says Batshaw. «It’s like in football: if the players run out of bounds, the game stops.»
7. Start a conversation while walking. In her research, Terry Orbuch found that “Men find it much easier to talk about a difficult topic when they are simultaneously engaged in some activity, such as walking or cycling. It may be better to start the first conversation side-by-side rather than face-to-face.
8. Don’t be afraid to apologize. Apologies can do wonders, says Terry Orbach. “We all make mistakes, and we need to be able to admit that in some of our arguments we were wrong. You don’t have to say, «I’m sorry for those words,» you can say, «I’m so sorry we’re at war.»
The secret of successful couples is that they learn to discuss their problems in a flexible and tactful way, without blaming each other for their differences.
9. Seek psychological help. If you are “stuck” in some kind of conflict situation or your partner does not want to discuss the problem with you, you should consider visiting a family therapist, reminds Batshaw.
“The sooner you get in for a consultation,” Sulli continues, “the easier it will be to help you and the longer you will enjoy a wonderful relationship.”
So, the key to a good relationship is not to be afraid of conflict. If today we diligently avoid an unpleasant conversation about a problem that worries us, in the future it can develop into a chronic one, destroy our relationships and make us unhappy.
Sulli recalls a study by renowned psychologist John Gottman, which showed that two-thirds of the problems that arise in a couple do not disappear with time: “The secret of successful couples is that they learn to discuss their problems in a flexible and tactful manner, without blaming each other for their differences.»