9 questions to ask before divorce

When getting married, few people think that they will become so unhappy in a relationship that they seriously think about divorce. Most believe that their union will be among those that last forever. But family life is often filled with complexities and problems for which we are not prepared.

And it doesn’t always work out. Someone finds an opportunity to solve difficult issues and move on together. Others get bogged down in quarrels and misunderstandings and see no other way but to file for divorce.

They seem to hope that there is a certain checklist, filling out which they will be able to make the right decision. Many are asked to decide whether there is hope to save the relationship or not to suffer. Divorce is only your decision and no one else should make it for you. Unless you’re in physical danger in a relationship, it’s best to take a little break and ask yourself nine questions.

1. Do I need a divorce or other relationship with my spouse?

There is a difference between an unhappy marriage and a marriage that cannot be saved. Family therapists are often visited by couples who have encountered problems and do not know how to solve them. If you want to change the relationship and be further together with this person, you should try other methods. Divorce is the final and drastic step.

2. Did you ask for help or did you try to cope on your own?

Family therapy does not always help. If you go to a specialist, but do not see progress, this does not mean that it is time to give up. If you believe marriage is worth fighting for, find another therapist. Perhaps his methods will suit you better. Most importantly, don’t let the therapist tell you that the marriage can’t be saved.

At the same time, do not forget that the therapist cannot magically fix everything. He cannot «fix» his partner. Change and development will require a lot of voluntary effort from both. If two loving people want to be together, they will be able to find the strength in themselves to cope with problems.

3. Has there been any serious stress lately?

Serious difficulties arise in any relationship. Sometimes they overshadow everything else. The most frequent and severe stresses include financial problems, job loss, loss of a child or infertility. In these sad cases, the likelihood of divorce increases significantly.

Relationships are like buildings. A small earthquake will cause a slight tremor, but a magnitude 9 earthquake will destroy even the strongest house. If you live in a state of great stress, every little trouble will seem huge and insurmountable.

Before you file for divorce, try to find help and deal with the difficulties that poison life. Big problems are difficult to deal with alone, especially if you are surrounded by grief or a sense of loss.

4. Do I plead guilty?

Nobody’s perfect. It doesn’t matter what the problem is. It doesn’t matter how your partner behaves. There are always two people involved in a relationship, and two people also influence the relationship. Perhaps we criticize, underestimate, do not keep promises, hush up problems, do not want to talk about our feelings.

It means taking responsibility for your actions and reactions. Just like your partner is responsible for his own. By understanding your “contribution” to the problem, you can see solutions that can change family life for the better.

5. Was it a mistake in the first place, or did we just fail to cope?

I often see couples whose relationship didn’t work out from the start. This does not mean that the spouses quarreled from the first days. They were not ready to marry. For example, they got married too quickly, not understanding why they need it and what kind of person is next to them. We got married due to an unplanned pregnancy. Or they were «brought» by relatives.

If your marriage falls under this description and you decide to divorce, draw conclusions for yourself in the future so as not to repeat past mistakes. If your marriage was built on a long, strong and trusting relationship and you are currently experiencing problems, you may need to work on your relationship skills, and it’s not about the «wrong» choice of a partner.

6. If I’m getting a divorce because of problems with sex, have I tried to correct the situation?

Sexual problems can be solved on their own or with the help of therapy. There are no such compatible couples where both spouses would always want the same thing at the same moments in time. And there are no couples who have every sex like in a beautiful romantic movie. People often give up instead of talking, showing flexibility, understanding and generosity towards each other.

Try to discuss what you like and what causes anxiety or unpleasant emotions. Tell each other what you would like. Be open and honest, listen calmly and tactfully to your partner. Instead of complaints and criticism, offer options. Before you get divorced because of «bad» sex, why not try to turn it into good?

7. Are my expectations of marriage and spouse too high?

I am not suggesting that you put up with humiliating treatment or cruelty. But I suggest you think about how adequate such an expectation is: a spouse who simultaneously maintains an atmosphere of stability and romance, builds a breathtaking career, earns a lot of money, loves to vacuum and iron, can fix a leaking faucet and hang a door, cook a dinner of five dishes and at the same time keep under the armpits of two children.

8. Is there a third person?

When it comes to a one-time betrayal, constant flirting, online dating, or a serious relationship “on the side”, it can be very difficult to understand how and where to move on.

Not all cheating is the result of relationship problems, but many are. Due to daily worries and problems, we sometimes feel that family life is no longer as good as it used to be. And that something new and exciting is exactly what we really need.

But do not forget that 75% of relationships «on the side» do not develop into a real relationship. So do not rush to get divorced if you just want novelty. Try channeling your energy into renewing the relationship you already have.

9. Do I love my spouse?

Love does not heal everything and sometimes it is difficult to see it behind stress, fatigue. But if there is even a tiny spark left, it is worth asking yourself: can I rekindle a flame from it?

About the Expert: Winifred Reilly is a psychotherapist who specializes in marriage and family issues.