9 habits that lead to disappointment in life

Why do some people achieve success, despite all the difficulties and adverse circumstances, while others only dream about it, but luck every time seems to bypass them? Today, many psychologists believe that our destiny depends on mental attitudes that become habits and govern our lives. Some attitudes become a brake on the path of our development and make us disappointed in life even when we have every reason to be happy.

1. Don’t forgive others

Many people equate “forgive” and “forget”. But this is not true. If we try to pretend that nothing happened, we only swallow our experiences, drive them deep into ourselves. To truly forgive means to let go of resentment. Accept what happened, but allow yourself to move on. Say to yourself: “Yes, I was hurt, but I will not let the feeling of revenge and the desire to prove something to the offender control me.” Forgiveness does not change the fact that someone did you wrong. It only allows you to no longer suffer because of it.

2. Don’t forgive yourself

More importantly, don’t get stuck on the mistakes you make. Regret, humiliation, shame, and guilt over one mistake can haunt us for years. And the subsequent negative thoughts, stress, and pessimistic attitudes can give you a negative view of the world – all because of the feeling that you are not worthy of being treated well. In fact, the ability to forgive yourself helps even those who are in a state of depression. If you are haunted by thoughts of past mistakes, start to notice and analyze them: when do they manifest themselves more strongly? what feelings do they bring with them? what makes them leave? If you are wasting time in an endless war with your thoughts, try to make a way out with your mind. The challenge is to learn to accept these thoughts without agreeing with them: “That thought again that I was cruel to my parents. Hello thought. Yes, I know you are here. But you can’t get me now, I have more important things to do – decide what I’m going to eat for dinner.

3. Think all-or-nothing

It’s amazing how many unhealthy psychological states come from make-or-break thinking. From panic disorder to low self-esteem, from perfectionism to hopelessness. Black and white thinking, by definition, makes your view of the world more one-sided. It enhances negative traits, making them look more significant than they are. It forces you to focus on your mistakes, to see only the bad in other people and circumstances. Observe yourself: does this habit show up in your daily life? The ability to clearly distinguish between black and white can be useful when you’re choosing clothes to wash, but it’s less useful for life in general.

4. Judge others too harshly

If you are constantly frustrated and annoyed by the behavior of the people around you, it may mean that you have a streak of bad luck and you are not getting the treatment that you deserve. It can also mean that you are choosing the wrong people. Or, more likely, you have very rigid standards by which you judge other people’s behavior. Perhaps you are just as demanding of yourself. But sometimes we criticize others precisely because we see in them traits that we also have, traits that we do not want to recognize. Notice what really happens when you get mad at someone, whether it’s a stranger who didn’t let you pass on the road, or your sleazy neighbor. Think about how big a picture you see? What if, instead of wallowing in your annoyance, you wondered when was the last time you yourself made a similar mistake? And what kind of response could she evoke from others? Empathy, even when you least feel like it, can be a powerful way to deal with anger.

5. Think that nothing will change for the better

But even a moderate belief that nothing in your life will change for the better can do significant harm. For example: “my son will never be able to achieve anything significant in life”, “I will never be able to get out of debt”, “the world is a terrible place, and it only gets worse.” These beliefs can take over our minds to such an extent that they make us deaf and blind to signs that indicate otherwise. But life is full of ups and downs. Recession, no matter how catastrophic it may seem, is always replaced by recovery. If we believe that life only moves downward, we deprive ourselves of the joy of life and miss those days when happiness knocks at our door. Imagine how peaceful you will feel if you simply believe that today’s difficulties are not forever.

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• How are mental attitudes formed?

6. Believe that your life is beyond your control.

Learned helplessness, first described by psychologist Martin Seligman, involves the belief that we have no control over what happens in our lives, even if we really don’t. This mindset has a direct relationship with the likelihood of depression. It is formed in childhood, when we were not really the masters of our lives and we were convinced of our lack of independence and inability to do something. Such a scenario leads to the fact that we lose interest in our lives and do not dare to change anything in it. And the longer we do nothing, the more we are sucked in by the feeling of hopelessness. On the contrary, when we decide to act, we begin to see the possibilities and fruits of our labors.

7. Believe that everything will work out by itself

Sometimes the belief that everything will “settle down”, “shrink”, “settle down” can be almost as destructive as the belief that this will never happen. For example, if your partner abuses alcohol and behaves provocatively, this situation is unlikely to change by itself. But many people believe that there is a higher justice in the world and that sooner or later we will receive retribution for our suffering. The hope that the Universe will send us happiness not only threatens us with disappointment (if this does not happen). It puts us in the same helpless position when we are not ready to listen to ourselves and act in accordance with our deepest desires and interests.

8. Generalizing too broadly

This is one of the “cognitive biases” described by psychotherapist Aaron Beck. Often it is expressed in the following conclusion: “I’m not lucky in one thing – that means I’m a loser.” The tendency to draw unreasonably broad conclusions is observed in those people whose view of the world is imbued with pessimism. Sometimes this type of thinking even looks like paranoia: “give them a finger, they will bite off your hand” or “if you give up slack, they will trample you.” Of course, not every person we meet is a model of virtue. But this does not mean that we are surrounded by only scammers and unscrupulous manipulators. And if a neighbor refused to hold your door to the entrance, this is not a reason to follow his example. After all, by helping others, we ourselves begin to feel better.

9. Don’t be grateful

It’s not just about thanking people who care about you or just show their affection. To thank – and bless – life for those happy moments that it gives us, is to impoverish oneself. Is it better to make a fuss about the fact that the restaurant makes you wait a long time for your order, or think about how wonderful the weather is today and how beautiful your companion looks in this dress? Some see it as sentimental. So be it – if it gives us a sense of peace of mind and tranquility. After all, cynicism and acrimony have never made anyone happy.

Andrea Bonior is a clinical psychologist, blogger, and writer, author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing and Keeping Up with Your Friends, St. Martin’s Griffin, 2011). Her website is drandreabonior.com.