9 golden rules for strong relationships

Nowadays, couples have almost no external reasons left to be together. Society does not require that two keep the family at all costs. Economic conditions do not force them to stick around in order to survive. Partners stay with each other not to please their parents, and not even for the sake of children, they rather like to spend time together. But what guarantees the duration of such an alliance?

“Relationships that cannot be called healthy can last a lifetime, for example, co-dependent or based on violence, and they have their own strength criteria,” comments Alexander Chernikov. “The condition for a long-term happy relationship is the emotional maturity of the partners, or at least movement towards it.”

An emotionally mature person is able to objectively assess the situation, act independently, while maintaining a deep connection with the other. He behaves honestly and openly, knows how to defend the boundaries and does not use the other for his own purposes. Several principles of such relations.

1. Support in a crisis

The ability to be there in difficult times is one of the components of a happy marriage. Moving, dismissal, the birth of a child, the death of parents, one’s own illness or illnesses of children — in the life of every family there are periods of vulnerability, it is necessary that the spouse does not step aside, but lends a shoulder.

“But it happens that the partner does not just rely on, but “falls” on the second,” says Alexander Chernikov. — The one who felt abandoned, unloved in childhood, in a relationship often tries to compensate for this lack. Clinging to a partner and shifting his emotional difficulties onto him, he feels more stable. This puts a lot of pressure on marriage. So responsiveness is necessary, but such distortions are best avoided. ”

2. Calm your anxiety

“To be capable of emotional regulation means to be aware that what I feel is, first of all, my own experiences, emotions,” explains the psychotherapist. “The partner could have provoked them to some extent, but my task is to calm down.”

This also includes the ability to withstand the anxiety of difference, which occurs when we do not agree in opinions and desires. The husband intends to go to his mother, buy a sofa or send the child to a neighboring school, but the wife does not. The discussion can turn into a scandal, mutual attacks. In a mature relationship, partners are able to bring themselves to their senses and stay in dialogue, agree, despite different points of view.

3. Distinguish a partner from the ghosts of the past

If you do not trust your wife because you were betrayed in a previous relationship; if you react to your husband’s remarks as if you were criticizing your mother, then you will have to do some inner work to separate one from the other.

Substitution can occur if the experience of relationships with a significant person in the past (parents, older brother or sister, teacher) has become traumatic for you. A sign of a mature relationship is the ability to distinguish the actions of a spouse from similar behavior of other people and perceive them in the context of the present moment.

4. Talk about your vulnerability

It’s not about being willing to share whatever comes to mind. You can willingly talk about your successes and hide painful experiences. It takes determination to confess your fears. “You are going to another country, I am afraid that you will meet another woman there.” “Now you will definitely understand that I am incompetent.” «It hurts me when you react like that.»

“It’s easier for us to talk about our fears in an accusatory manner,” notes Alexander Chernikov. — “Your jokes are stupid, and you yourself are a fool”, “Yes, I know you, you will go for the first skirt!” A person at this moment is not talking about himself, he is attacking: “You make me suffer!” and provokes the partner to retaliatory accusations. And the ability to talk about what hurts us evokes sympathy and a desire to meet halfway. A necessary quality in order to better understand each other, without thinking too much.

5. Recognize the merit of another

All couples fight. But those who are happily married, even during conflict, show that they are generally good to each other and that this outburst of anger and discontent is an accidental construction on a solid foundation of love and understanding.

Why is this rule hard to follow? the expert thinks. — In a conflict, emotions go wild, drawing a black and white picture (“you always do it your own way”, “you don’t feel sorry for me at all!”). These «always» and «never» evoke powerful defensive behavior in the partner and the desire to strike back. Learn to maintain a voluminous, ambivalent perception of a partner in a conflict, to recognize his merits. To say: “Our relationship has a bright side, and then you did very well, but here I am very offended,” and the dialogue becomes more constructive.

6. Consider the needs of the partner

In tense situations, each person usually comes to the fore with personal needs, and the desires and interests of a partner remain behind the scenes. And at such a moment it is difficult to understand why the other suddenly shows donkey stubbornness and refuses to do what we ask. In a mature relationship, partners always try to keep each other’s needs in focus.

7. Laugh without offending

The ability to see something comic in a situation, to look at oneself from the side helps to understand that the circumstances are not so tragic (unless, of course, we are talking about everyday things).

“With strong emotional arousal, the cerebral cortex stops working well and the limbic system “fight-run-freeze” turns on,” explains Alexander Chernikov. We start to fight or slam the door. Humor that does not offend a partner allows you to reduce the intensity of passions and communicate more calmly.

8. Set boundaries

In love, it is important for us to be ourselves, to be natural. But spontaneity doesn’t mean you can be rude.

“I don’t think that name-calling and obscene remarks dropped in passing, or a cry that someone allows himself to relieve tension, lead to a stronger marriage,” the expert comments. “If these boundaries were not set by default, they need to be specified as soon as possible.”

This is primarily about any form of physical violence. Insults, cynical comments and offensive humor, that is, everything that looks like depreciation and humiliation, are unacceptable. Of course, these are subjective categories: someone is likely to feel offended by being pointed out wrong. But in most cases, we are quite aware of when we have offended ourselves, and when someone has violated our boundaries.

9. Understand that some of the partner’s reactions are “not about me”

When we realize that a harsh statement, an elevated tone of a loved one does not fully apply to us, then we react less painfully and do not turn on our own defenses.

“Think that a critical remark or a negative reaction is provoked by us by about 50%, and the other 50% are projections and transfers from relationships with other people, for example, with a boss who yelled at work in the morning,” Alexander Chernikov explains. — What to do in such situations? Repeat, as in active listening, the feelings of a partner, give them an outlet. But then ask: “What else is bothering you? Your reaction looks too strong. Perhaps you brought some other feelings here?

We can only stay in touch with a loved one and truly hear what they care about when we are not overwhelmed by guilt and start to defend ourselves against criticism. To do this, it is important to understand that the disappointment of a partner is connected not only with us, but also with his inaccurate perception and transfers.