8 tips from Denmark for raising happy kids

You don’t have to be perfect parents to raise your kids well. At the heart of a happy relationship between fathers and children are four concepts: justice, harmony, sincerity and responsibility. In theory, everything is simple and clear, but how to implement these principles in practice, when children test your strength every day?

1. Do not protect the child from negative emotions

As soon as a child starts crying or gets angry, the parents immediately run to console him – especially if it happens in a crowded place. You have probably seen such scenes more than once in a cafe or restaurant: the family comes to dinner, and the three-year-old tyrant is naughty about where he will sit, what he wants to eat, and so on. As a result, instead of enjoying the food, everyone comforts and calms the baby, who in response is even more naughty.

“So the child is just trying to defend his right to experience sadness, fear, irritation or despair,” says Jesper Juul. “New Romantic parents have got it into their heads that kids need a lot of attention, so they give twice as much attention as they need. Children simply do not have the opportunity to learn a simple truth: other people also have needs, rules and feelings. For this the child will have to pay a great price when he is left alone with others.”

Allow the child to show true feelings, but do not forget about your own needs. There is nothing wrong if the child screams or gets angry. No one has died from tears yet.

2. Do not confuse consequences and punishment

These are close concepts, but the difference between them is quite large. The consequences of certain actions can be unpleasant or painful. But unlike punishment, they do not infringe on the value of the human person and do not impose a sense of guilt.

“For example, a child wants to climb onto a chair, but falls to the floor and hurts himself. This is the result of his own actions, – explains the psychologist. He understands that his physical abilities are limited. Consequences – bruises or a bump on the head – increase the knowledge of the child, and next time he will approach the solution of the problem differently. But if he hears from his parents: “You know very well that you will fall. Why don’t you listen to your elders when they tell you!”, then he will feel humiliated and guilty.”

Putting the child in a corner in this situation is completely overkill. Sometimes the consequences of the forbidden action are already instructive enough, and it is not necessary to additionally scold or even punish the child.

3. Do not test all the newfangled parenting methods on your child.

Bookstore shelves are full of all kinds of parenting guides. Some of them were written by the same parents on the basis of their own experience or a biased selection of facts from the works of various researchers. You should not take everything on faith and immediately check on your own son or daughter all the postulates you like.

“When you decide to use some new method for raising a child, then first think: would you apply it to your spouse? – advises Jesper Juul. If the answer is no, then the idea is not very good. In doing so, you will be among those parents who still do not want to consider children as full-fledged people.

4. Being bored is good

Over the past 10-15 years, many children and their parents have forgotten how to be alone with themselves for more than 10 minutes. We are used to being entertained by gadgets, the Internet, TV, interactive games… “Bored” children feel restless and start acting up. They demand that their parents play with them, give them a smartphone or tablet, entertain them in any other way.

When going on a trip, to visit or to a restaurant, parents take with them a pile of books, toys and gadgets to save the child from possible boredom. But there is nothing terrible in it. When today’s adults were children, boredom motivated them to create, invent new games, learn about themselves and the world.

“If you patiently wait out this period of restlessness out of boredom, you can unleash your creative abilities. And this is much more important than ordinary drawing, modeling or model building. To create is to feel and know oneself, to find different options for self-expression, the Danish psychologist suggests. – Creative search plays another important role: children develop a sense of self-worth and do not strive to be like everyone else. A pronounced autonomy leads to a better understanding of life in society.

5. Most of all, children need competent parental guidance.

Often modern parents try to make friends with their children. When this approach does not bear fruit and the younger generation gets out of hand, fathers and mothers remember the authoritarian old-fashioned methods of education. All these extremes have a lot of drawbacks.

No need to try to become a friend or buy the respect of the child, providing him with a happy childhood with all material benefits. However, abuse of power is not an alternative. Instead of setting all sorts of boundaries, parents should first deal with their own personality.

6. Have a dialogue with your child

“Dialogue is not talk or discussion. It requires adults to be open, interested, flexible and willing to learn something new about themselves and their children, explains Jesper Juul. “There will be no real dialogue if the parents have set a goal that is most important to them.”

Dialogue is an important step towards personal development that should be taken by educators, teachers and parents. And yes, all adults. Feedback from children is more important and more effective than rewards and punishments. It is important that the dialogue is built naturally. Children immediately feel when parents put on masks and begin to play a role – for example, a sensitive and understanding father or an overly caring, lisping mother.

7. Recognize the child’s right to exclusivity

In the past, it was believed that up to a certain age, children are obliged to obey their parents unquestioningly. Do not argue, do not express your own thoughts. Sincerity was not required in this culture of obedience. Adults have always known better what children need. They planted their authority and hid behind the masks of teachers and educators. Sometimes modern parents also utter teachings and instructions heard in childhood.

How many times have you said to children “I am the last letter of the alphabet”, “You are too young to tell me” and other platitudes? Is it possible with their help to explain to the child something important about life? Will they help the baby become a self-sufficient person? “We gain true strength when we are allowed to become who we are,” reminds Jesper Juul. “This means that every day you have to fight for your individuality and, of course, recognize the exclusivity of your children.”

8. Learn to say no

However, recognizing the uniqueness of the child does not mean that you need to satisfy his every desire. Although children are always happy to hear “yes.” And even a friendly “no” makes them dissatisfied, frustrated and even angry.

“But the participants in the drama must go through it, because otherwise the children will not be able to normally perceive rejection in adulthood,” the psychologist explains. “This is an elementary life experience that they need to learn. Then later, after failures and blows of fate, they will be able to rise and stand on their feet. They must understand that it is futile to try to somehow get around this “no” when it is not being discussed.”