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We love to “analyze” our loved ones, although the objects of this amateur psychology may find such attention unpleasant. If we can’t help it, or it’s important for us to communicate our opinion about the other person’s motives and feelings, business consultant Jeremy Sherman suggests doing so in a tactful and productive way.
1. It’s not an exact science. Isaac Newton said: “I can calculate the movement of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.” Psychology is not an exact science. It is more difficult, in any case, it is more difficult to obtain reliable results in it. Your hypotheses and assumptions are just hypotheses and assumptions, you should not try to pass them off as accurate information.
2. Make reservations. If you are going to tell a person your guesses about what is really happening to him, let him know that these are just guesses by making a reservation like “I think maybe …”, “But maybe not,” or “It seems to me … “
3. Be careful with offensive words, but if you have already decided to use them, do not deny it. Many of the terms that sound quite scientific are quite offensive. Take the word “narcissist” – it can be used both as a diagnosis and as an insult. Or, for example, the famous “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” by John Gottman (John Gottman) – criticism, contempt, ignoring and going on the defensive. We can say that these are just words to describe the types of behavior that contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. But if you try to apply this terminology to your own husband or wife, then even softer expressions will sound insulting and can hurt.
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- Can you speak to each other?
4. Mitigating clarifications should not offend. Sometimes we try to “sweeten the pill” by saying things like “I don’t mean to criticize, but you’ve been procrastinating lately” or “With all due respect, I think you’re lying.” Such reservations not only make criticism unacceptable, but are offensive in themselves.
5. Be prepared to hit back. Those who criticize others often adhere to double standards: “I will express how I see all your motives, but don’t you dare tell me about mine. I’ll tell you everything myself.” Do not try to “analyze” others if you are not ready to listen to such an analysis in your address.
6. Think about “the beam in your eye.” Trying to critically analyze the motives of another person, we often forget all those cases when we ourselves did what we criticize. This tendency must be fought, and not just by saying platitudes like “Of course, this happened to me too,” but by remembering specific cases.
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- “It’s hard for me to communicate”: eight tips that will solve the problem
7. Don’t jump to conclusions. There are situations where delay in death is similar, for example, if you have evidence that your spouse is cheating on you, or that your business partner is cheating on you. In such cases, the rush is justified: for example, you need to have time to block a bank account. In other situations, jumping to conclusions is counterproductive and is more likely due not to sudden changes in the behavior of the other person, but to your own fears and emotional problems.
8. Expressing your opinion is optional. I have always had difficulty understanding this thesis, so I try to learn from friends who know how to keep their mouths shut. I can think whatever I want and make whatever assumptions I want about other people’s motives, but I don’t have to share them with others, and even when I do, I’m more of a “note to myself” than to others.
Jeremy E. Sherman, business consultant, evolutionary and decision theorist, lecturer, and author of numerous articles on popular psychology.