8 strategies for perfect love

Motivational speaker Tony Robbins once said something very right: “We waste time looking for the perfect partner, instead of spending it on creating real, perfect love ourselves.”

It seems that the relationship starts by itself. Everything happens like magic. But if we want this relationship to last, we will have to roll up our sleeves and get ready to sweat more than once.

My husband and I recently returned from a meeting with couples who had experienced medical problems, infidelity of one of the spouses, financial crises and other trials that usually remain outside of novels and fairy tales.

Their stories seemed incredible at times. They left everyone who was next to them in the same room with the feeling that infidelity, illness and other difficult things did not mean the end of the relationship. Sometimes this only precedes the happiest periods in a couple’s life.

Just imagine: no one expected and did not believe in these difficult times how good they will be together when everything is over! But they believed it would.

Their wisdom literally shocked me, and I summarized it in 8 strategies.

1. Understand where you are in the relationship right now.

Relationships are a living organism that is constantly growing and changing. And it can take many forms. In the beginning, it’s falling in love: the brain is so saturated with dopamine that a simple joint grocery shopping trip to a nearby store looks like a cruise to the Caribbean.

But the second stage is inevitable – the loss of illusions. You begin to ask yourself if you have fallen out of love with your chosen one. At this time, in search of lost dopamine, some are looking for attention on the side.

For those who were once brought together by crazy passion, this period can develop into the third stage – complete rejection. The partner causes you nothing but disappointment.

But if you recognize this period and go through it with dignity, it will be followed by the fourth stage of the relationship – even deeper than the one from which it all began.

2. Don’t rely on feelings alone

Now it is very fashionable to write about the need to trust feelings. Knowing and acknowledging your emotions is an important part of inner growth.

And yet your feelings are an unreliable GPS for relationships. Even if the navigator sometimes shows the wrong path, what about emotions that can be influenced by factors such as stress, lack of sleep, and poor health?

Like it or not, a real relationship is not a collection of emotions, but a series of decisions that we make consciously. By doing what it takes to keep the relationship going every day, we are clearing the brain of some “electrical static” that can build up. And it gives more energy to just love each other.

3. Don’t run away from confrontation

You know the expression: “Gold lies at the bottom of the river, but no one sees it.” The same can be said about conflicts and disputes. Let them not scare you – in this case, the feeling of fear can lead you down the wrong path.

It is very tempting to avoid conflicts at all or, conversely, to push your partner through, to ensure that everything is the way you want. But the conflict brings you to the point where you can show your nobility, show that you respect your partner and play fair.

This is how deeper relationships, more mature love, are born out of conflict. Out of the confrontation emerge your shared family “laws”. It may be different for everyone, but in your family the only thing is: do not start arguments while one of you is hungry, tired. Do not make comments to those who are driving. Do not remember the past and do not get personal.

4. Understand yourself, be aware of your limitations

We all have past life baggage that shapes our behavior and determines how we communicate with others. Many have already managed to learn how to protect themselves with the help of masks: a clown, a caring mother hen or a bully. The bottom line is that in a relationship with a partner, these masks are very disturbing. The person you love needs the real you.

5. Don’t Just Talk – Communicate

When the two first met, they can talk for hours about everything in the world. But these conversations are just the beginning. A real dialogue begins when you feel real feelings behind the words of a loved one and understand that your partner is a huge, complex and beautiful world.

6. Take the risk of being honest

One of the strongest impressions of the seminar concerned openness and honesty in relationships. Give your heart to another in full possession, open up and hope for his honesty. This sounds terrible for those who, already in childhood, realized that not everyone and not always needs to be trusted. I got used to only slightly opening my heart for a while, in order to immediately close it tightly. But only faith in the other and trust lead to the highest stage of relationships, where we feel real kinship.

It’s one thing to open your heart to another in a burst of dopamine generosity. And the other thing is to trust when you are faced with disappointment or doubt. Believe it or not? Remember these words: “Glory to the brave who dare to love, knowing that all this will come to an end. Glory to the madmen who live as if they were immortal.”

7. Learn to see love in ironed shirts.

We all crave love, but we see it differently. Neatly folded and ironed linen also means “I love you.” Sometimes such a display of love touches more than verbose confessions and a restaurant reservation.

In The Five Love Languages, Harry Chapman wrote that emotional needs are different. For some, it is important to hear words of recognition, for some it is important for a partner’s time, which belongs solely to him, and for some it is necessary to receive a material expression of care or physically feel hugs every day.

Study your partner, pay attention to what language of love he speaks with you, which of your ways of communicating with him most fully satisfies his needs for showing love.

8. Goodbye, goodbye again

You will be able to say about yourself that you have learned to love, not when you find perfection, but when you learn to see perfection in every imperfect person.

When two people spend so much time together, each will have enough “evidence” and ways to offend the other. Yes, sometimes a partner can do not very pleasant things. But do not forget how beautiful it is in its imperfection. Trust that he is doing his best, trying his best to learn from his mistakes and do better in the future.

Source: psychcentral.com