8½ Steps to Your Real Self

Being yourself is a big program. Sometimes we feel like we’re losing our true self in a relationship with a demanding spouse, in an authoritarian family, in a relationship with a picky friend. Something is going wrong…

These can be separate episodes in communication or already established relationships that have become manipulative and have a bad effect on our well-being and self-esteem. It can be a relationship that has reached a dead end, it is not possible to get out of it, and sometimes despair sets in.

In this case, we should figure out what prevents us from building relationships and communication so that they bring pleasure and the desire to continue them. And this requires a closer acquaintance with ourselves, an awareness of the reasons that prompt us to act against our interests, and practical skills. How to get them, says psychotherapist Larisa Kononenko.

1. Watch yourself

Self-observation is a tool for self-knowledge. When we think about ourselves, the ventromedial prefrontal cortex is activated – this part of the brain allows us to analyze events, understand our characteristics and areas of vulnerability.

Self-analysis helps to choose the right direction if something goes wrong. Therefore, from time to time it is useful to conduct an audit: what is good in our life, and what is not very good, and think about values. What gives energy? What are we willing to sacrifice and what not?

We ask such questions most often in a crisis. While we are in harmony with ourselves and the world, such thoughts rarely come to mind. However, when we know what is good and right from our point of view, it helps to make decisions, from everyday to serious ones.

2. Listen to the voices of feelings

Feelings play an important role in creating an accessible to the mind portrait of our “I”. Attention to them allows you to realize the motives of your actions. Suppressed, repressed feelings create tension that hinders development.

We do not always hear the inner voice that whispers that we are being offended and it is time to stand up for ourselves, without waiting for the accumulated discontent to break out and the conviction that “good people don’t do this” will no longer help. It is useful to distinguish between restraint, appropriate to the situation, and suppression of reactions, which affects the state as a whole, leading to depression.

If you notice that dissatisfaction with yourself arises more often, and the situations in which it appears are very similar to each other, this means that it’s time for a change and it’s time to take care of yourself.

3. Learn Automatic Reactions

We often attribute meanings to events and words that are not there. These meanings change our reactions, which affects the interaction with others. For example: “If I have made a decision, I cannot change it. I cannot admit that I was wrong, it would mean that I am unreliable, incompetent.”

The consequence of these irrational beliefs is dissatisfaction with oneself, anger at oneself, depression. If you find them in yourself, analyze:

• What thoughts and attitudes make me anxious?
• Where do I get this information from and what facts support it?
• What facts contradict these attitudes? How else can you look at it?
• What are the inconveniences and consequences associated with maintaining this setting?
• What can I do to change my state?

4. Set boundaries

Learning to say “no” or “yes” in a way that suits our wants and needs helps us build psychological boundaries. And it makes it possible to discover in ourselves the abilities that we have held back for fear of hurting another or being rejected.

The psychological boundaries of our personality are what make us feel whole, reliable and make decisions without violence against ourselves, with calm confidence. Start simple – for example, refuse to go to see a movie that you are not interested in, and offer your own option. Use the following algorithm to fail:

• confirm that you understand the request or desire of the other (“Yes, I understand that you urgently need to go …”);
• refuse, giving reasons, but be brief and to the point (“I can’t look after your dog because I’ll be busy”);
• at the end, say a firm “NO”, making it clear that no other options are possible (“so NO, I can’t help you this weekend”).

You will ensure that the relationship does not get worse if you do not make unnecessary commitments, and it will be easier to determine whether you want to agree or refuse each time.

5. Befriend your inner critic

“You can’t do it, you’re to blame for everything, you’re doing nonsense, you have to try harder, a good mother (daughter, son, friend) doesn’t do this” … The inner critic tells you that you are not good. And you experience shame, guilt, despair, anger, indignation, resentment, and then fatigue and helplessness.

In fact, the inner critic is very small, because it is a childish experience of the limiting influences of our educators. This is not an adult (constructive), but a childish self-criticism. And if you manage to make friends with him, then you will stop judging yourself so cruelly. For example: make an appointment with your inner critic every day at the same time – and listen to him for 10 minutes. But the rest of the time does not belong to him.

6. Speak

We speak so that others can understand and meet our needs. But it is not always possible to communicate what is happening inside us. Because we often use language that is not equivalent to how we feel in reality. And yet we are afraid to open up and become defenseless.

As a child, your needs may have been denied, so you have learned to communicate them in a veiled way so that you can be safe if denied. Now, as an adult, you have a choice and you can decide how to respond if you are misunderstood. In addition, by remaining in a closed position, you risk being misunderstood. Compare: “Close the window!”, “Why is this window open?”, “Would you like to close the window?”, “I’m cold. Please close the window.”

To be ourselves, it is necessary to clearly and calmly say what our needs, expectations and feelings are. This applies not only (and not so much) to social or professional life, but also to love. To hide your expectations means to agree to be different, to lose contact with yourself. This entails bitterness, psychological discomfort, pretense, misunderstandings, guilt and shifting responsibility to others. Everyone loses from this.

7. Predict

If you imagine in advance the scenarios and behaviors that will help you successfully cope with the situation, you will reduce your anxiety and feel more confident. It is useful to present not only the dangers, but also the path to success. Questions will help:

• What do I want to get as a result?
• How do I usually deal with such situations?
• How will confident behavior help you reach your goal?
• What are the risks in this situation?
• What are my rights in this situation?
• What rights do other members have?
• Do I know all the facts and arguments?
• How well am I prepared for this meeting?
• How can I let someone else know that I can hear him?
• What will be the beginning and development of the conversation?
• What can help me cope with my feelings and stay in control of the situation?

8. Take action

When, having determined our desires, having set a goal and considering a strategy, we move on to action, we realize ourselves not only in our inner world, but also in the external world that we share with others. We see the results of what we have done, and if they satisfy us, we feel a sense of accomplishment, and this creates psychological comfort. Being active also allows us to get to know others better, which is important for our identity: we are social beings and we have a need to be looked at with approval.

And we also need our actions to be satisfying. In moments of creation in a broader sense, we feel fully accomplished. A small child needs the approval of loved ones and parents. However, it is important not only to praise the child when he managed to do something with his own hands, but also to ask him if he is satisfied with the work done. When our own satisfaction meets the approval of others, it creates an experience close to happiness.

½Protect yourself

Learning to protect yourself is one of the main ways to be yourself. In a conflict situation, it is better to take a firm stance than to show passive aggression (resentment, sabotage, insults …). Sometimes it makes sense to step back, including physically (distract from the situation, move away from the interlocutor, go out the door) – this will give you time to think about the decision, not yielding to someone else’s will and not succumbing to influence.

It takes courage and sometimes audacity to do this, but in the end we find ourselves. Being yourself also means allowing others to be themselves. And it provides the foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.