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Often feelings overwhelm us with such force that there is no way to cope with them. This is especially true of such powerful emotions as anger and rage. But even in them there is nothing wrong – you just need to start listening to yourself. Coach and psychologist Alexandra Ivanina tells how to make friends with your emotions and show them safely.
In life and in counseling, I often come across the belief that anger is a bad emotion. Many people think that good people don’t get angry, or at least don’t show it to others.
Someone received such a conviction in the family: for example, in the form of messages that it is impossible to fight and swear. Someone, watching the scandals of their parents in childhood or receiving a scolding, came to this on their own.
Indeed, at the word “anger” we often imagine a reddened face, distorted by a grimace of rage, a salivating mouth from which cruel words escape, and clenched fists, ready for battle.
Such attacks of aggression are like an eclipse in which a person loses his temper and can easily turn to violence.
Anger can be so powerful and destructive that a person may try to completely abandon it. Or, not restraining himself, he falls into a feeling of guilt even in the case when anger was appropriate and necessary.
Anger is an extremely important response to threat.
In modern science, there is still no unambiguous definition of what emotions are, the attitude towards them changes over time. But everyone agrees on one thing without a doubt: emotion is a complex response to an external or internal stimulus, so it cannot be bad or good.
Nevertheless, destructive ways of dealing with it still exist. A useful, functional use of emotions leads to a solution to a problem, a destructive one not only does not help to overcome difficulties, but can also create new ones.
Anger is one response to threat that is extremely important for defense. We get angry when we are deprived of what we consider our own, or when we are not allowed to get what we want. The energy of anger is directly related to vitality and sexuality, and without anger the human race would hardly have survived and established itself.
We experience anger when our needs are not met. And the desired response to this emotion is at least an attentive, serious and responsible attitude towards us (“I am angry because you do not take what I say seriously!”), And as a maximum – a change in behavior or situation (“I am angry, because you stepped on my foot, and I want you to notice it and remove your foot!”).
Tellingly, no matter how we describe anger, before it can be realized, it manifests itself in the body. Information about stimuli first enters the amygdala, and if a subjective or objective threat is detected, a physiological reaction is triggered, which a second later can be experienced as anger.
Muscles tense up, the heart begins to beat faster, blood pressure rises, breathing quickens. Blood rushes to the heart, lungs and muscles, digestion stops. Hormones, including adrenaline and norepinephrine, support an additional burst of energy. Thus our body prepares for battle.
If we systematically suppress anger, then all this huge amount of energy is locked up in the body, which ultimately leads to an increased risk of developing various diseases. The most commonly affected are the cardiovascular, digestive and immune systems.
If we allow anger, but do not know how to regulate it, then we can go into a rage and harm ourselves, other people, the environment or relationships. After all, physical and verbal violence ultimately damages not only the victim, but also the aggressor.
So how do you express anger effectively and safely? How to make it functional? There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. But there are steps in dealing with this emotion that can help.
The only thing – it is important to remember that everything written below is applicable only in situations where there is no threat to our physical safety.
Recognizing Anger
Surprising as it may seem, we cannot always immediately understand what kind of feelings are raging inside. If you feel this difficulty, take a break and listen to yourself. Any sensations are important – bodily, emotional, as well as thoughts, fantasies and images that come to you. The more complete the picture you gather, the easier it will be to correlate it with possible feelings. Gradually, this process develops into a habit and will occur much faster.
Determining the source of anger
If we have already realized that we are angry, then most often we know the reason. But even if this is the case, try to put aside your explanation for a while and try to highlight as clearly as possible exactly the aspect of the situation that you really want to change.
Estimating the intensity of anger
The next step is to understand how strong your anger is. Rate it on a scale of 0 to 10, or imagine an image that describes its strength. Choose the word that most accurately reflects it – irritation, indignation, discontent, anger, fury, rage, or some other. If the anger is too strong, then it is likely that more involvement of the body in the process of expressing the emotion will be required.
Assessment of the situation
Once you’ve dealt with your feelings, take a look at the situation you’re in. It is important to decide whether to fully express the anger now or whether it is better to contain it and express it later in a suitable setting. As much as we would like to resolve issues immediately, we have to admit that social relations do not always give us such an opportunity. But if we are aware of exactly what we are experiencing, and return to this feeling later, then this will not do any harm.
bodily expression of anger
When expressing anger through the body, it is important to avoid harming yourself, others, or the environment. Any kind of physical activity in which your tension is safely released will help to express emotions safely. For example, this is a classic pillow beating, running or brisk walking, imitation of a fight – you can clench your fists and teeth, hit an “invisible enemy”, scream or even growl.
Verbal expression of anger
If you have gone through all the previous stages, then you already know a lot about your feelings and can convey to the interlocutor the essence of your feelings.
Let your partner know how you feel, how strong they are, and what triggered them using I-messages. Do not use humiliating and insulting words, do not blame the other. This increases the likelihood that you will be heard, and not just perceived as a threat, and anger will help you establish your position with respect for the interlocutor.
Self-support
Regulating your relationship with anger means mastering your own power and wisdom, and is unlikely to be learned overnight. Therefore, at whatever stage you realize what is happening, praise yourself for daring to deal with your emotions, especially those as powerful as anger. You have read this article to the end, which means that you have already taken the first and most important step towards managing feelings.
About the Developer
Alexandra Ivanina — psychologist-consultant in transactional analysis modality, EMDR-therapist, coach. .