8 reasons why women stay in unhappy relationships

“Better with him than alone,” the thought must sound familiar. Either you said it to yourself, or someone close to you fell into the trap of an unhealthy relationship. A classic example: a young girl marries for great love, then a child appears in the family, domestic problems begin, partners move away from each other, someone else appears … but the “family” does not end there. It is transformed into a sluggish process, where mutual dissatisfaction, reproaches and resentment reign, but no one decides the last radical step — divorce.

And the further, the more difficult it is to decide, because so many years have already been lived together, and “a child needs a complete family.” And if financial dependence on her husband is added to this, it becomes even more difficult to leave. How to end an unhappy marriage? How to stop being afraid to be alone, whether you are 20, 40 or 60 years old? Why do we hold on to relationships that make us unhappy?

1. You are afraid of loneliness. “Loneliness is not the worst thing in the days of trials; the worst thing is to sit back,» said writer John Galsworthy. Fear of being alone is the most common reason we keep unhappy marriages. We must understand that it will not disappear on its own.

You need to start observing your emotions, realize your fear and immerse yourself in it. It will be difficult, but it will help in the healing of the soul. You need to accept and love yourself. It is not always possible to do this on your own, sometimes this requires the help of a specialist or the support of loved ones. But as soon as you feel self-sufficient, the need for an unhealthy relationship will disappear by itself.

“One of the clients told me about her mother. Mother was married four times, says psychologist Karina Butneva. She was a smart and spectacular woman who was afraid to be alone. She gave birth to a child to each new husband, endured all the problems in relationships for a long time, and when the cup of patience overflowed, she left in search of a new man. All of the children grew up with severe psychological problems and were unable to form normal and healthy relationships.

The fear of loneliness is a deep natural fear. But if you learn to look into his eyes, you can access an inexhaustible source of energy. In loneliness, you can find your true self and, having built a harmonious relationship with yourself, you can find a person with whom it will be really good.

2. You don’t want to leave your comfort zone. A familiar environment in which you feel safe can also be a powerful deterrent. Often, fear of uncertainty and uncertainty about the future make it difficult to end an unhappy relationship. But it’s worth considering: are the reasons that keep you from leaving really that important? And do they really exist? Or are you just creating situations that «temporarily» keep you from getting divorced? Maybe you want to stay just because it’s easier and safer than moving on?

“The habit is given to us from above, It is a replacement for happiness,” Pushkin’s quote reflects the whole essence of this problem, Butneva believes. — The most dreary, but familiar swamp seems more attractive and safer than the unknown world. But if you look at the situation from a distance and set yourself specific goals, it will not be so difficult to decide on changes. One has only to remember all the feats that you have accomplished in life, even without anyone’s support.

3. You think you won’t be able to find a new partner. Another common misconception is the belief that it will be difficult or impossible to find someone more suitable. But what if your beliefs are just a consequence of past negative experiences? Ask yourself two questions:

• How likely is it that you will not be able to find a man with whom you will be happy among the seven billion people on the planet?
• What is the likelihood that you will one day find happiness in your current relationship?

Perhaps you should take the risk and cross out the past, give yourself the right to happiness and healthy relationships?

“The fear of not finding another partner is especially common among women with children,” explains the psychologist. — But, as practice shows, happiness is found at any age, with any number of children and with any appearance. Once I met a family where mom and dad were Caucasian, and three children were mulattoes. But the children were not adopted, but from the mother’s first marriage. The main thing is to allow yourself to be happy. And to be happy in marriage with the unloved is difficult.

4. You feel responsible for your partner. Often a woman is convinced that a break in relations will painfully affect the future fate of her companion. But think about it, is it worth investing your life in another person? And isn’t it time to start thinking about yourself? Stop thinking that loving yourself is selfish, otherwise you risk forever remaining in the role of an “eternal victim”. We must remember that life is given to us only once. And there is enough responsibility in this life — for oneself, for elderly parents, for children … this is quite enough. Do not take responsibility for another adult.

“Responsibility for a partner is a dangerous trap,” says Karina Butneva. — Somehow, after all, a person lived before without you? Why is he now leading a parasitic lifestyle? Why can’t it exist without you? Perhaps by depriving him of his nourishment, you will just give him a chance to start a more fulfilling life? And in extreme cases, he will find himself a new victim. Some men begin to blackmail, threatening to commit suicide. In this case, you should seek psychiatric help. It helps to cool the ardor of the manipulator with the mere mention of doctors.

5. You depend on him financially. It seems to many that this problem is definitely not to be dealt with. But a huge number of women have already dealt with this before you. And most of them were not at all incredibly gifted, brilliant and lucky. They just decided to take care of themselves like adults. They had an incentive — they wanted to «get out», to prove that they could cope on their own.

“Having started to realize themselves professionally and providing themselves financially, women become more confident and happier than forced housewives,” adds Butneva. — Forced housewives stay at home not because they are comfortable in this role, but because they are afraid to do something else. Or because their husband forbade them to work, or «it’s customary.» Maintaining a home is great, but it should be bred by someone you love and respect. And who respects and loves you.»

6. You hope he will change. A person changes only when he wants to. Expecting a man to change for you is naive. Maybe it’s time to stop hoping in vain and face the truth? Ask yourself the question: “Am I ready to completely change for the sake of a man?” I think that most of us will answer “No” or “Why should I? Let him accept me for who I am.»

It’s the same with men. You either accept your partner for who they are, or break off this relationship. Trying to change another person is a waste of time and effort. Why waste your life on useless work?

“It’s worth changing only for your own sake,” Butneva believes. — A person can change for the sake of another, but, most likely, these changes will be temporary. For example, a man will stop drinking, and then start again. Changing for the sake of another, a person seems to make a sacrifice. And he will demand payment for his efforts. For example, changes that you are not ready for. Change can be inspired, but not persuaded. And you can only inspire what has already been formed in the form of a person’s inner desire.”

7. You are emotionally dependent on him. Maybe your actions, appearance and lifestyle are completely focused on pleasing a man? Or perhaps you need constant confirmation that you are loved? If you answered “yes” to these questions, it means that you are emotionally addicted. There are two reasons for this condition:

• Childhood emotional trauma. You feel like love must be earned.” You are constantly looking for validation of your worth from outside.
• You have not learned to love yourself, so you only feel comfortable when you receive love from another.

Of course, this is also a reason to work with a therapist. But if you can’t ask for help, try using popular psychological techniques to increase self-confidence. Accept yourself and love. As soon as you embark on this path, the emotional dependence on your partner will melt away.

“Any addiction binds, but emotional dependence enslaves,” says Butneva. “Even with a loved one, addictive relationships lead to conflict and soreness in the relationship, and in the absence of love, pointless daily torture.”

8. You are afraid to regret leaving. Who was not afraid to make a mistake, to regret the decision made? But think about what is really worth regretting. About leaving an unhappy relationship, or about spending your whole life in it?

“I met many women who regretted spending years with an unloved person, but I didn’t meet a single one who would regret leaving the unloved one,” says Karina Butneva. — I would like to cite as an example a quote from Napoleon Hill’s Think and Grow Rich: “Don’t wait for the ‘right moment’, it will never happen. Start acting right now, this very minute, and work with the tools that you now have in your hands. The best will come with time.»

Appreciate yourself and your life, learn to make decisions and do not be afraid of change. Listen to your heart and be happy. If you are in doubt about whether you should try to save your family or whether it is time to end the relationship, contact a family psychologist who will help you make a decision more meaningfully, balanced and confident.”