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We’ve all heard that marriage needs work. But who said it has to be hard work? Small daily efforts, according to psychologists, can give excellent results.
The routine of everyday life often, like rust, corrodes relationships in marriage. To avoid this, you need to follow the simple rules of “prevention”, American psychologists advise.
Focus on the good
“Even the most wonderful partner sometimes does or says something that annoys us, worries us, or hurts us,” says Nari Jeter, family therapist and counselor at the University of Florida (USA). “Should we point him to is it trying to fix it? Alas, few people perceive criticism adequately, and it can do more harm than good. Your task is primarily to support and inspire your partner. So stop criticizing him and focus on his positive qualities.”
Sorry for your mistakes
“If you were wrong about something, take courage and ask for forgiveness. No, don’t use phrases like “I’m sorry you were upset” or “I’m sorry you took it that way.” This is not an apology at all, and besides, you are, in fact, implying that your partner was not smart enough to correctly interpret your words or intentions, says Pyan Howes, a practicing clinical psychologist from California. – Another thing is when you take responsibility for your lie or ugly act, or admit that you are to blame for the misunderstanding that has arisen between you. This means that a good relationship with a partner is much more important to you than defending your case.
Don’t blame your partner
“During quarrels, partners usually criticize and blame each other,” says Gal Szekely, family therapist, founder of the Psychological Support Center for Couples in San Francisco (USA). “Give yourself a vow to completely renounce accusations and reproaches. Instead, talk about your feelings and needs using I-messages.
Look up from your phones and look at each other
“No, this is not about a game of staring. Just put your smartphone aside and look at your partner for a few seconds, says Anne Crowley, a practicing psychologist in Texas. “In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we usually don’t have enough time for this, and therefore we miss important non-verbal cues that help us understand the other. The meaning of this practice is to better understand the partner, it makes our relationship calmer and deeper.
Know how to appreciate your dissimilarity
“I am currently working with one couple. They came to me on the verge of a divorce. It seemed to the wife that during their disputes the husband was very aloof, they could not immediately reach an agreement, as she wanted. And he, on the contrary, needed to be alone and think everything over before discussing something. So he took a break, and she felt abandoned.
When at last the husband collected his thoughts and was ready to talk, the wife had no time for anything, she felt so alone. As a result, they could not reach an agreement on any controversial issue and became increasingly distant from each other. In the course of our work, they learned to understand how different their approaches to conflict situations were, and to appreciate these differences, and not to condemn and shame each other for them, says Jennifer Gauvain, clinical social worker, lives and works in Colorado . “They have learned to tell each other how they feel.”
Learn to really listen
“Everyone needs attention, although not everyone admits it. One of the easiest ways to show your partner that you are interested and important is to simply listen to him carefully, continues Ryan Howes. How to show it to him? You need to put aside all the gadgets, look into his eyes and from time to time “return” what was said in a slightly paraphrased form. For example, a partner says that all day he did nothing but travel around the city, taking children here and there. You can answer this: “Driving all day! I can imagine how exhausted you are!”. The partner feels that he is heard and understood, and at this moment a good contact is established between you.
Show your partner that you appreciate him
“This is extremely important for a good relationship,” says Gal Zhekeli. “Be sure to tell your partner that he has succeeded in something, or that you like about him.”
Remember the golden rule
“It is elementary, but how many spouses do I meet who violate it. Treat each other with respect,” advises Jennifer Gowain again. – Don’t get personal. Never use blackmail. Any violence, physical or emotional, is unacceptable. Of course, we are all imperfect. But if you know you’ve been wrong, always – always – admit it and apologize to your partner.”