We all need contact with other people from the moment we are born. Having not received the obligatory portion of attention from significant relatives in childhood, we make up for this deficit in all subsequent relationships, friendly and romantic. What are the basic needs we seek to satisfy?
Man is a social being. Without contact with other people, we do not develop. Back in the middle of the XNUMXth century, numerous studies showed that a child deprived of contact with his mother gets stuck in development, including physiological development, even if his physical needs are met.
Each person, and the child in the first place, needs to satisfy not only personal basic needs for survival and physical security, which Abraham Maslow spoke about, but also relationship needs. Of course, we are not talking about situations where none of the parties needs anything from the other, then there will simply be no relationship.
“When healthy relationships are not available, children have to take care of themselves. If children are deprived of responsive relationships, they are likely to form the confidence that no one will help them – neither now nor in the future, ”say the authors of the book Beyond Empathy, which is translated into Russian for the first time, which analyzes in detail the basic needs in relationships. on the example of the work of a psychotherapist and a client.
Deficiency – often unconsciously – is reflected in our everyday contacts in ordinary life. We do not always understand why we now reacted so violently to the remark of the seller in the store or the phrase of a work colleague. And often a gap from childhood develops into a gaping hole filled with emptiness, and interferes with building normal adult relationships.
Conversely, when we find what we have been missing for so long, we calm down and feel more whole. We can work in the same company for many years, be married for many years. Perhaps we finally got what we needed so much. And if not, then we continue the search further. What are these basic needs in a relationship?
1. Security. The need that Maslow talked about is reflected in relationships as well. In them we strive to survive and be safe. In healthy relationships, we can be who we are without fear of rejection, without fear of losing love and respect.
But to show oneself, to show one’s openness, is risky, because it means exposing one’s vulnerability and removing protection. Everyone wants to be sure that at this moment they will not receive a “hit” in the Achilles heel – a caustic remark or an unexpected mention of previous mistakes and failures. That is why, at the very beginning of a relationship, each of us checks the other: how safe it is to be around. We need to be prepared for the fact that at this moment we are also being checked. Can we guarantee security on our part?
2. Recognition of value. We want to be valued, cared for and considered worthy. Do we want to be close to those who do not understand us, do not appreciate and do not respect? Of course, a complete understanding is impossible – we do not always understand ourselves. The question arises: “If I am not known at all, then how can they recognize my value?” But you can get closer to understanding. Interest in the other provides an opportunity to get to know him and give him much-needed recognition of value.
Feeling that someone nearby is experiencing the same thing or has experienced it before is an important parameter of a relationship.
3. Acceptance. As children, we need acceptance from a strong, stable, and protective adult. We all, when we were children, wanted to respect and rely on a parent, mentor, teacher. “We needed to have significant people from whom we could receive protection, encouragement and information. Unfortunately, for many, this need was not satisfied, ”the authors of the book write.
Often we expect from a relationship partner that he will be stable and reliable: to comply with agreements, answer phone calls, justify our trust. We want to be sure that tomorrow it will be the same as today.
4. Generality. Being on the same wavelength with someone, feeling that someone nearby is experiencing the same thing or has experienced it before is an important parameter of a relationship. Commonality is something that sometimes does not need to be explained in words. This is when we are with people who share our views, our experiences or feelings. Not a generalized “It happens to everyone”, but “I also have the same way as you”. However, it is not necessary that a person literally lived the same thing. It is important that he feels the same as we do.
5. Self-determination. Even while in a relationship, we want to maintain our uniqueness and be recognized for that uniqueness. This is the antithesis of the need for generality: to be similar, but in some way exceptional.
“Expressing one’s self-definition can be a risky business – too often showing one’s own otherness is met with disapproval and ridicule. Such reactions are especially common in childhood and adolescence, when peers insist on unconditional adherence to the unspoken rules of the group, ”the authors of the book say.
Children who grew up in an environment of conformity, unquestioning obedience to rules and norms, may never learn to be themselves. These people in relationships will have a constant need to be authentic and feel appreciated and admired.
6. Influence. In any relationship, we want to influence each other. We dream of changing someone else’s way of thinking, behavior, emotional reaction. We want not only to influence, but also “to see the effect of this influence and to know that something happened to the other person in response to our actions.” A healthy relationship requires the growth of each partner. We want to attract the attention of another, to interest, to influence.
Learning to thank and accept the feelings of another is an important skill in a healthy relationship.
Often children do their best to attract the attention of adults. “He or she doesn’t listen to me” is the most common complaint to a therapist about a spouse. Hearing the other is one way to let them know that we feel their influence on us.
7. Initiative from the other side. We want the initiative in communication to come not only from us. Any relationship where one person always takes the first step eventually becomes one-sided or even painful. Very soon, we will begin to doubt that we are truly interesting to another and that such a relationship is worth continuing. Sometimes we keep them, but close ourselves. If we are unsure of ourselves, we may begin to blame ourselves for everything and, as an extreme case, “not wanting” to experience this need at all.
“Such conclusions, of course, are rarely reached in adulthood. These are old script beliefs that can be reinforced and reinforced by the behavior of some adult in our lives—a friend, lover, co-worker, and even a therapist, if that person is insensitive to our needs.”
8. Expression of love. What could be more natural than the feeling of love and affection for someone who knows us well, respects, accepts and cares for us? “In any close positive relationship, participants experience care, love, respect and appreciation for each other,” the authors of the book recall. Expressing these feelings is one of the needs in a relationship. After all, what we experience in relation to another is part of ourselves, and we want to express it.
Often in a relationship, the other side prevents us from expressing our feelings because they don’t know what to say in response. We grew up in an atmosphere where it is impossible to openly show our emotions – whether it be joy or anger. And often our open good feelings are met with suspicion. Learning to thank and accept the feelings of another is an important skill in a healthy relationship.
The material was prepared based on the book by Richard G. Erskine, Janet P. Morsund, Rebecca L. Trautmann “Beyond Empathy. Contact-in-relationship therapy” (Interservice, 2018).