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Children’s tantrums have an amazing ability to infuriate even the most loving parents in the blink of an eye. The psychologist talks about how to deal with children’s tantrums, while taking into account the feelings of the child.
Tears, screams, demands to do what he wants — absolutely all parents face children’s tantrums. A tantrum in a child is a difficult test for both parties. The child is trying to cope with rage, resentment and other feelings that it is still difficult for him to withstand.
In response, parents get irritated, feel guilty towards others and often get lost between what needs to be done, how it will look from the outside, and what can really help stop the tantrum.
Family psychologist Miriam Chachamou, author of How to Calm a Troubled Child, has a few tips to help you deal with your child’s temper tantrums, while keeping in mind what’s going on with your child.
1. Show indifference
When a child throws a tantrum in a public place, we often feel embarrassed, which can provoke our anger and irritation.
“Believe me, people around you don’t consider you a bad mother or father at all, they rather sympathize in such a situation,” says Miriam Chachamu. — If you do not pay attention to the whims of the child, it can be much more effective than if you are angry. Often children act up just to get your attention.”
2. Name the child’s feelings
It is very difficult for young children to understand what is happening to them. They are not yet familiar with their own feelings, and it is difficult for them to withstand them. It is important that you help the child give a name to his experience: «You are now angry because I did not buy you a toy that you really wanted.»
Express sympathy and understanding. For example, you might say that you get angry too when you don’t get what you want. But you can get angry in different ways, not all forms of expressing feelings are beautiful, useful and effective.
3. Include your child in the fight against tantrums
Hysteria is a sign that the child is not coping with his feelings. It is important to understand that he is not just trying to achieve his goal in this way, but is really experiencing emotional stress. This will help not to get annoyed with him, but to unite their efforts in the fight against hysteria.
Together with your child, come up with a playful name for what is happening to him: he was attacked by a wicked woman, Aunt Hysteria came. This will allow the child to shift his attention and see you as a friend instead of an abuser.
4. Take your time to say «no»
Preventing children’s tantrums is much easier than stopping them.
“Many parents say no too quickly, which can instantly bring children to a boiling point,” says Miriam Chachamu.
By showing your child that you are on their side, you can prevent conflict. For example, you might say, «I would like to buy you this toy, but unfortunately it’s too expensive.» Such an explanation of one’s own position is much better than a short «no».
5. Suggest an alternative
Analyze the behavior of the child and those situations in which he usually begins to act up, and speak with him in advance of the possible consequences. For example, if you are going to the store and you know that the child may begin to demand to buy him a toy and throw a tantrum because of your refusal, agree with him what both of you will do in this situation.
For example: “I’m going to the store. I can take you with me, but only on the condition that you do not ask me to buy you something, today I do not have such an opportunity.
“If you still start acting up, I will no longer have to take you to the shops with me (you and I will not go to the cinema as we wanted, and so on).” Thus, you can not only protect yourself from children’s tantrums, but also teach your child to understand the cause-and-effect relationships of their own behavior and make the first important choices.
6. Direct the energy of the child in a different direction
The child’s body responds to stress with an archaic fight-or-flight response. Therefore, sometimes, in order to prevent a crisis, you can offer an alternative to it in the form of sports games. Jumping, dancing, playing catch-up allow you to release the energy accumulated for the implementation of the stress reaction.
7. Let your child make amends
Bad behavior is not always punished.
“A child can feel terrible after doing something bad,” explains Miriam Chachamu. And that in itself is a punishment. If you allow the child to do something that symbolically atones for his misdeeds, thereby informing him non-verbally that he was really wrong, but that you are ready to accept his apology, this will allow both of you to move on.
About the Author: Miriam Chachamu is a child psychologist and author of several books, including How to Calm a Troubled Child.