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A friend complains to you about a problem that, from your point of view, can be solved elementarily. He says how bad he is. And you’re going to explain what he was wrong about, what he should do… Don’t do it. Don’t share advice when it’s not asked for. Let’s talk more about this and other common mistakes that can ruin a conversation.
Let’s imagine a situation: the head entrusted the team of your friend with the most difficult project, which ultimately failed. And the worst thing is that one of the colleagues blamed your friend for all the troubles. The boss was furious, and the friend got it great.
He shares his misadventures with you. Worst of all, instead of just supporting a friend, you react in one of the following ways.
Lengthy reasoning
Believe me, now is not the time and place for phrases like: “Everything happens for a reason”, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”, “Maybe this is a sign that the work is not suitable for you.” By saying them, you let the interlocutor understand that you are just too lazy to delve into his problems, and you get off with general words.
What to do
Listen carefully to your friend, repeat the gist of his story in your own words to make sure you understand correctly (and to make sure he is being heard). If you are sure that you know the solution and it can help, ask if you need advice. And do not get off with general philosophical phrases.
Interrogation with predilection
“Didn’t you understand that in case of failure, this colleague can blame everything on you?”, “Couldn’t you immediately ask for more time to complete this project?”, “Maybe it was not worth taking on such an overwhelming task at all?” , “How could all this have been avoided?” – such questions make the interlocutor feel that you blame him for everything.
What to do
Ask a friend about feelings: “You must be very hard mentally. How are you doing?”, “Is anyone helping you right now?”, “What can I do for you?”. So you show that you are listening to the interlocutor and that he is not indifferent to you.
Unsolicited psychotherapy
You should not make “diagnoses” and analyze the situation, especially if you are not asked to do so, even if you are sure that the whole point is your friend’s repressed anger or that he speaks a different “love language” than his boss.
What to do
Believe me, no one likes to feel like a lab rat under a microscope. Moreover: most likely, the interlocutor himself knows what is the root of the problem. And if not, and you want a friend or partner to be more aware … Try to keep this desire to yourself. The path to awareness is not easy and takes time and hard work. In this situation, just try to listen carefully – or, alternatively, ask: “Do you want me to help you figure out the reasons for what happened, or just sit there and listen?”
Specific Tips
Unlike the “home psychoanalyst”, who likes to get to the root of the problem, the “adviser master” seeks to fix everything as soon as possible and gives out something like: “We need to go to the boss and apologize”, “Don’t even think – quit!”, “You simply obliged to take revenge on that colleague.
What to do
Recognize the interlocutor’s right to feelings – anger, despair, resentment, irritation. After he feels that you are completely on his side, you can ask if he is interested in listening to your advice (previously stipulating that you, of course, are not an expert).
Depreciation
Such behavior causes maximum psychological damage to a person, since his feelings are denied. Just imagine – it hurts you, and the interlocutor says: “Come on, it can’t be that bad”, “Everything will pass”, “Maybe you’re just being dramatic?”, “This happens all the time, you’re just overreacting” . So we deny the reality of the feelings of another person and show that we are not ready or able to look at the world through his eyes.
What to do
Demonstrate maximum empathy and care, emphasize that you recognize the interlocutor’s right to feelings.
Protection of the opposite side
You should not act as the devil’s advocate and offer: “Let’s look at the situation from the point of view of your boss? I’m sure he didn’t just break out on you” or “Surely a colleague had a reason to do this. Maybe he was afraid that after such a failure one of you would be fired, and he would have to feed his family?
What to do
Better say something like: “I can imagine how angry you are with your boss. Do you want us to try together to figure out why he behaved this way? Or let’s talk about how you feel?” Nobody argues, it is almost always useful to look at the situation through the eyes of the other side, but this is not the first step. The main thing is to let a friend feel that you are there, that you are for him.
Pity
You should not limit yourself to the phrase “I’m sorry” alone, or, conversely, aggravate the situation by saying: “Poor! And why are you so unlucky” or “I’m terribly sorry for you. Your job is disgusting.” In addition, you should not tell similar situations from your life, hoping that the story of your failures will somehow help the interlocutor.
What to do
Try to understand how the interlocutor feels: “I can imagine how insulting it is when they yell at you after everything that you have done”, “And how did you feel at that moment?”. Remember, this is the other person’s story, not yours. Don’t pull the blanket over.
Of course, we do not always manage to actively and sympathetically listen. But, when you notice one of the behavior strategies described above behind you, slow down and think about how you can react differently to make it easier for the person next to you.