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When feelings are at their peak, betrayal seems incredible. But time passes, and uncomfortable desires (or suspicions) increasingly come to mind. Psychotherapists offer several ideas to help strengthen relationships with a partner and neutralize temptations.
Cheating is one of the most common causes of breakups and broken relationships. The more unexpected the news is, the stronger the shock, the deeper and wider the abyss that suddenly separates two once close people.
Even if the relationship persists, it is far from always possible for partners to overcome the trauma and restore deceived trust. Therefore, it is not surprising that some people prefer to simply ignore the disturbing signals in the behavior of a partner and, until the last, do not want to let a terrible thought into their consciousness, and with it pain, shame and confusion.
No matter how wild the thought of betrayal (ours or a partner) may seem, we should not discount this danger in advance. Practitioners working with couples offer several ways to eliminate possible infatuations and maintain trust and intimacy in a relationship.
1. Do not think that this will never affect you.
What do we tend to imagine when we hear the word «treason»? The unfaithful wife who hides her lover in the closet when she hears a sudden knock on the door. A jealous woman who examines her husband’s jacket for hair and traces of lipstick. Scandals and reproaches, clumsy excuses. “No, this will not happen to me,” we think. But such conviction sometimes leads to the fact that we do not notice real threats and turn a blind eye to our mistakes.
“I constantly hear variations of the same phrase from my clients: “I couldn’t imagine that this would happen”, “I didn’t even think that I could change myself”, “in families like ours, there are no betrayals” , says clinical psychologist Alexandra Solomon, author of 20 Lessons to Prepare for the Love of a Lifetime.
But any relationship can develop in an unpredictable direction. Only you are responsible for this. Do not console yourself with the thought that by finding the «perfect» lover, you guarantee the success of your marriage. A happy marriage requires daily effort.”
2. Keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship
People who cheat often say that in a relationship with a lover they are looking for those emotions and sensations that they can no longer get in marriage. Therefore, it is necessary to revise the relationship from time to time, says psychologist Alisha Clark. Think about the degree of closeness and understanding that existed between you at the beginning of the relationship.
How close are you to her now? Is there anything that keeps you from treating your partner the same way as before? “Fidelity couples value the physical and emotional connection they have with each other,” she says. “They try to be honest with each other, look for compromises and make sure that the other feels that their wishes are being listened to.”
3. Set boundaries
Talk frankly with your partner about what kind of behavior outside of the relationship each of you finds acceptable. Write a list of forbidden actions and agree on the boundaries of what is permitted.
“You may consider light flirting with a colleague at a corporate party something harmless, but your partner may think completely differently,” says Alexandra Solomon. — Discuss what you lack in a relationship to feel satisfied in the emotional and sexual spheres. Remember that no one is obliged to fulfill all your whims. Be ready to change something in yourself for the sake of a partner.
4. Close the doors to other hobbies
In the era of social networks, the temptations are increasing: traces of our past hobbies can exist in the digital space forever, and we can access them with one click.
Even if we decide to remain virtual friends with a former passion, or just communicate with a classmate whom we once had our sights on, it’s worth asking ourselves some honest questions: what do I want from this communication? Where is the border that I would not like to go beyond? Is it worth it to continue communication if my relationship with a partner is not going smoothly right now?
“If now you are sure that you want only friendship, there is no guarantee that after a while the old attachment will not flare up with renewed vigor,” says psychotherapist Gail Saltz. — If you are determined to keep in touch, do not make a secret out of this for a partner. If this state of affairs suits him, you should also be prepared to tolerate such contacts on his part. Remember that the rules you set in a relationship should apply to everyone the same.”
5. Remember the importance of sex
In a long-term relationship, it is difficult to constantly maintain a high level of sexual life. But if you can’t remember the last time you had sex with each other at all, it’s an occasion to wonder if everything is in order, says Alisha Clark.
“The importance of the sensual sphere, touch and sex in a relationship is difficult to overestimate,” says the psychologist. “During intimacy, chemical reactions occur in our brain that create feelings of affection, trust, and desire. All these feelings reliably ensure fidelity in a couple. But sex also should not turn into a routine, into an everyday «marital duty.»
Look for a way to surprise your partner, be attentive to his mood and desires. Indifference leads to coldness and detachment. Sex itself begins to seem like a burdensome duty, and this further cools the relationship. It’s a vicious cycle that can eventually lead to the thought of cheating.»
6. Do not wash dirty linen in public
Of course, many of us cherish the opportunity to “take our souls away” in conversation with relatives and friends. But if you choose to discuss your relationship with someone you find physically attractive, you can easily become emotionally addicted, which in turn can turn into an infatuation.
“By discussing the difficulties in a relationship with a person who may be partial to you, you let him know that the door is open,” says Alisha Clark. — Your partner may rightly regard such behavior as a betrayal. Before confiding your problems to others, think: what exactly do you want from this conversation?
Perhaps you really need advice or feedback from someone you trust. If this is not the case, this conversation will only aggravate the situation. In any case, the best option is an honest conversation about the problems with the partner himself.
7. Show your partner what they mean to you
Your love for your partner can be very strong, but don’t assume that your partner sees and feels it by default, says Alisha Clark.
“If you want your feelings to be appreciated, feel free to show them. Show attention, care, often point out what you like in a partner, for which you appreciate him, the psychologist advises. — Small but regular signs of attention protect the relationship from frustration, misunderstanding and disappointment. On the contrary, your silence and the expectation that your partner will guess your feelings will increase the distance between you and will give rise to doubts.