7 ways to help someone who has been abused

Right of first word

Perhaps you know for sure that trouble has happened to a loved one or he is in a dangerous situation. But maybe you still only suspect that he is being abused. Do not share your guess with the “victim”. You may be faced with a set of psychological defenses, which will eventually lead to even more isolation. Just be there, available. Also try to be kind. Fear of judgment is one of the main reasons victims are reluctant to seek help. Give the person the opportunity to tell you about it when the time comes.

Ask, don’t advise

We project someone else’s state onto ourselves and usually provide support in the way we would like to receive it ourselves. If a person spoke about his trouble, then listen to him, and then ask openly: “How can I help you to make you feel better? What would you like me to do?” Focus on the wishes of the injured party.

Use “I-messages”

If a victim of violence has begun to open up to you, do not be afraid to tell him about your feelings: why you are worried about his condition, why you want to help. This will help him feel that you care and tell him more. Also ask how exactly the violence manifests itself, what and how it happens. So you will most likely be able to “stir up” a person for real actions.

Don’t be hopeful

If you know for sure that your loved one has experienced violence, then tell him that such a situation cannot be tolerated. Violence is always the fault of its author. It cannot be justified, it encourages impunity. If, for example, today he hit a woman and she kept silent, then, according to his version (even if he does not realize it), this can be done with her tomorrow. Violence intensifies and becomes more cruel every time – such is its nature.

List your options

Think and tell the victim how you can help her, and what you will not do under any circumstances. For example, you are ready to allow a friend who is beaten by her husband to stay with you for a month, but you cannot lend money. You have personal boundaries and you are entitled to them. But when a person is in a dangerous situation, it is important for him to clearly understand what options he has for further action. Therefore, never promise what you are not ready for.

Help to return to the resource state

If you are able to monitor the condition of the affected person, then help him lead a healthy lifestyle. The psycho-emotional background is directly related to our physical well-being, and vice versa.

In order for a loved one to return to a resource state and be able to make decisions about how to live on, it is important to provide for him:

• healthy restful sleep (consult a doctor if sedative drugs are required);
• hot delicious food that will create a sense of security;
• daily routine with intervals for rest and walks in the fresh air.

It is not necessary to give the victim the opportunity to hang in negative experiences. Engage him in the simplest activity that he likes.

Trust the professionals

Don’t overestimate yourself. At the moment of revelation, you are a container for the feelings and emotions of the abused loved one. But in the future, you may not have enough strength to help work through the injury and keep it safe.

Help seek help. During the acute phase, the victim experiences a stress reaction, his perception of life becomes “tunneled”. He needs clear instructions on what to do and in what order. Try to help find and apply this information.

^Authors Psychologists of the organization “You’re Not Alone” (organized by Ekaterina Martynova – a victim of the Skopinsky maniac) Elizaveta Shtoda, Irina Ivanova, Svetlana Koyusheva and Evgenia Medvedeva.