7 steps to get back with your ex

Step 1: Step back first!

Perhaps this advice will seem a little strange, suggests personal development coach Frederik Dittmar from Leipzig. After all, do you want to deal with him or her again? Then you need to first move a certain distance. And this is a really good idea – for several reasons. After parting, especially at first, we are usually in an emotionally unstable state.

Different and sometimes conflicting feelings literally explode us from the inside. They dominate and do not allow clear thinking. Anger, fear, pain, rejection, loneliness, resentment, euphoria from freedom … The first impulse – to quickly return everything to normal – can be dangerous precisely because of its impulsiveness, and therefore recklessness.

Protect yourself from this, wait until things calm down. At first, the longing for a former partner can be very great, but let’s be honest! – sometimes occurs out of habit. This feeling gets weaker and weaker over time. Until it completely disappears. And one day you try to remember his or her face and… you can’t.

The most important thing after a breakup is to get back to yourself before the relationship. You need to fully focus on yourself. This is best done when we consciously step back and look at the situation from the outside. This is how we restore inner balance. And when we achieve it, we understand what we really want.

“You will understand what really went wrong in the relationship. Whatever mistakes we make, in a state of equilibrium, we can figure out how to prevent them in the future, comments Frederik Dittmar. – All this is easier to understand when you do not constantly have him or her “in front of your nose.” Therefore, please do not be afraid to lose time by moving away, it will not be lost – on the contrary! You may find that you no longer have feelings for your ex. I constantly observe that many people strive to return too soon. And above all because they have a great unconscious fear of loneliness.

Not the best reason to try again: the chances of success in this case are very, very low.

Step 2: Contact him or her

It is worth making contact only after internal balance has been restored and you no longer blame him or her for anything. If the offense still torments you, go back to step 1. Otherwise, the very first exchange of news will completely unsettle. There is also a great danger that you will find yourself too emotionally dependent, clinging to him or her, running after an ex-partner.

And this, unfortunately, does not contribute to your attractiveness. Wait for a moment of emotional balance when you feel good. Write him or her a letter (about him in step 3) or a message in the messenger. Wait for an answer. Then try to start a conversation. And initiate a meeting.

If he or she does not react in any way, this is also a very clear answer. The other shows us that he is not interested in us. Please respect his choice. The same can be said if the meeting seems strange to you. This means that the chemistry that you drew in your fantasies is absent in reality. In this case, it is better to disperse, which is also worthy of respect from both sides.

Step 3. Write a letter if speaking is difficult

For many who want to reunite with an ex, the biggest hurdle is reconnecting. Especially after a long separation and lack of communication. Most people think it’s enough to write “I miss you”, “I love you”, or “I can’t live without you” – and repeat it over and over again. But in reality, it is of no use.

Who wants to return to the weak and needy? We’ll have to analyze the relationship, find out why the breakup occurred. At this point, it’s not about your feelings – you know about them anyway, and it didn’t help you much. So change your strategy.

“In a real meeting, we can get confused or not find the right words. With writing, you have at least two to three days to think about what you want to write, to organize your thoughts. This way, not only will you avoid mistakes, but your message will be even more effective. Attention: a letter is not a hundred SMS. A letter is a verified, complete, solid text, ”the coach draws attention.

But what does the perfect letter look like? There is no one-size-fits-all letter. After all, the circumstances are different. Thus, the more personal the message, the better.

• Do not rush to write and send. Consider the text.
• Spread the fun over several days.
• Write down what comes to mind, not what you read somewhere or someone smart said. Let the heart speak.
• Be always open and honest, do not try to be the perfect “not yourself”, otherwise the ex will quickly expose the cunning tactics and turn away in disappointment.

You can write why you don’t want to forget him or her. What pages of common history do you appreciate. What traits do you like about him/her. Why is he/she special to you. And what are your desires, goals and hopes for the future. It is also important to accept the weight of the decision to break up, to recognize and analyze the mistakes that were made the first time.

In this way, he or she will understand that you have carefully considered everything, and have not fallen victim to an impulse that you will soon regret. That you really want to do everything right this time. Do not be afraid to show your vulnerability: sincerity is only in your favor.

Step 4. Enjoy the conversation

Is everything okay between you? Even after the third, fourth meeting? Do you have fun with each other, do you feel comfortable in each other’s presence? Do you trust each other? But please take your time. Don’t force things. It is best to meet at a fixed time, such as every Wednesday evening at 19pm.

You can talk first, and then take a walk. Let it be an hour a week, but it will belong only to the two of you – without work mail, SMS, a group of friends. Let this be a time when you participate in each other’s emotional lives. And it will bring you back together. Talk to each other. This is especially important now.

“When the question of rebuilding a relationship comes up, talking is advised very, very often,” says the coach. “But it makes sense – open and honest communication with another builds intimacy and trust again.” What does this mean in this case? It’s best to share in advance what you both learned about you as a couple during your separation. Say what you want in the future from both the relationship and the partner.

Speak directly, but at the same time tactfully, about what went wrong between you – do not accumulate negative emotions. Talk about past mistakes. This indicates maturity, insight, and that you have considered everything and are ready to act differently.

Step 5: Make sure there is no old cargo

Have you really forgiven your partner? One thing is certain: if there are claims and open accounts, then starting over is very problematic. All the more great is the danger that some grievances will come to your mind at the most inopportune moment. Therefore, you should ask yourself the following questions:

• What traumas from our past are still painful for me?
• What do I need to do to get rid of them?
• What can someone else do about it?
• What can be done together? Sit down and work out a plan to get there.

Step 6: Pay Attention to Yourself and Time Together

It is especially important to take care of yourself and your interests in the initial period of resuming a relationship. But also after it. Because each of us has a need for both closeness and distance. This is always expressed differently in a couple: one needs more total time together, the other needs less.

See what measure is ideal for both of you. For many of us, our own hobbies and activities, time alone with ourselves is a necessary resource, including for relationships. Make sure you have things to do as well. For example, take up dancing. Or invite each other over for dinner every Saturday night. Look for activities that both of you will enjoy and enjoy.

Step 7. Be on your toes!

And here you are together again. Stay in good shape, do not relax that now everything is in order: he or she will not go anywhere from me. Renewing a relationship requires patience, discipline, and even stamina.

“Please be aware that the relationship will take some work. Especially if you want to live happily, explains Frederik Dittmar. And yes, there will be tough times. But if you are laughing together, holding hands, just happy and satisfied with the relationship, then your efforts are not in vain. Because in return you will receive warmth, attention, care and love. And don’t be too serious and stubborn: humor is a great helper in building relationships.”