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It seems to us, having fallen in love once, we will always look at our partner with adoration, accept with tenderness his oddities and peculiarities. But it is not. Love and hate are often sides of the same coin. Let’s figure out why our feelings are so ambiguous, and look for ways to curb our irritation.
Sometimes, looking at a close and beloved person, you suddenly realize that you cannot stand him. You think: “Yes, I hate you. I can’t even see!»
Has this happened to you? If yes, then welcome to the club. You are not alone. It just so happens that almost all of us sometimes begin to hate the ones we love the most — without always realizing it.
Researchers Vivian Zayas of Cornell University Ithaca and Yuchi Shoda of the University of Washington Seattle found that people don’t necessarily just hate or love each other. They feel both, sometimes at the same time. And that’s okay.
But where do difficult emotions come from and what can you do to deal with them?
Such a complicated love
How did scientists manage to discover the hatred that was hiding behind love? They conducted a series of studies. Participants were asked to think of important and beloved people. Then you had to describe your feelings for them — both negative and positive. Surprisingly, both the extreme degree of anger and the most vivid manifestations of tenderness were addressed to the same person.
After that, the participants took a computer test. He allowed to capture even unconscious, hidden emotions. First, the name of a loved one appeared on the screen, and after it, emotionally charged words, both positive and negative, such as garbage, blood, dirt. The subjects had to press buttons and thus sort the words into groups, negative and positive, as quickly as they could.
And then comes the hate
The study showed how our brain works when it is given the task of dividing words into groups. If we think of something pleasant when a positively colored word appears on the screen, we quickly classify it as a “good” one. But if a negatively colored word appears at this moment, it is difficult for us to quickly categorize it as “bad”.
Conversely, when we think about something unpleasant, we are slower to classify positive words into a group of positive ones, but we react faster to negative ones.
However, the participants of the project, having seen the name of a loved one, equally quickly grouped positive and negative words. And not just quickly, but almost instantly.
What does it say? Each of us is capable of experiencing both love and hatred for the same person, and without even realizing it. Those who are closest to us, such as romantic partners, evoke strong feelings on both sides of the spectrum—sometimes thoughts of a loved one bring joy and delight, and sometimes negative feelings of incredible strength.
That one step
The love-hate dynamic is the norm for intimate relationships of any kind. And this does not mean at all that, feeling annoyed or even angry with your partner, you are doing something terrible or that everything between you is bad and wrong.
Even if you hate your other half right now, calm down. You probably love her or him the most right now.
We are accustomed to talk about the negative and the positive as two ends of the spectrum proportional to each other. That is, if there is less joy, then more sadness, less love — more hatred, etc. But this judgment is only partly true. Sometimes we can experience conflicting emotions in one day and even in one minute. That is the nature of human relationships.
Therefore, sentimental pictures on Instagram (an extremist organization banned in Russia) are only one side of the happy life of your friends and relatives. Just a small part of the joint history of couples.
Here I would like to tell you about another study by Zayas and Shoda. They asked the subjects to do the same, but only the name of an unpleasant person, such as a former lover or friend, appeared on the screen, not a loved one and a close one. It turned out that the participants in the study experienced both hatred and love for these people at the same time.
It turns out that our grievances do not last forever, we cannot be angry every minute. No matter how much we hate those who were once dear, deep inside us remain good feelings for them. Even if we are not ready to admit and realize it.
Not all bad feelings are equally bad for you.
Relationships do not have to always remain cloudless in order to be considered healthy and happy. But an excess of hatred can destroy even the strongest union. Then what is salvation? As usual, in a balance between bad and good feelings, in harmony between the first and second.
Studies show that happy couples experience 5 times more positive emotions than negative ones. And couples that are close to divorce are almost one to one.
In addition, there are emotions that are good for relationships, and there are bad ones. For example, guilt and regret, when lived in an environmentally friendly way, promote change for the better, help to turn on empathy and look at the situation through the eyes of a partner. Guilt can help you draw the right conclusions and avoid repeating mistakes. And regret about parting with a friend is to understand that you still cherish him, miss him and want to return.
Sometimes conflict gives us an opportunity to work through negative patterns and work through problems. As they say, the good is known in comparison. We are simply not able to always be in a positive mood, we need the variability of emotions.
Moreover, if you constantly pull yourself up, force yourself to smile and push pain, fear, sadness, anger deeper, then real joy will still not work, and you will not be able to get rid of the burden of negativity.
How to make love stronger than hate
So how do you maintain the perfect love-hate ratio? The secret here is not at all in avoiding conflicts or suppressing all negative feelings, which are completely natural to experience.
It’s all about understanding. If, as a result of the conflict, people came to a common denominator, sorted out and understood each other, they again feel happy. But if the quarrel is over, no one else is screaming, and there is still no clarity, there will be no satisfaction, the problem will remain unresolved.
Studies have shown that partners who, although they constantly quarreled, eventually understood and accepted each other, were happier than those who had a sedate and smooth relationship in the relationship.
Regardless of the cause of the conflict, understanding will help maintain intimacy and love.
It’s the same with past grievances. If the subjects remembered the scandal but left with the feeling that everything was sorted out, they were happier than those who simply forgot about the conflicts.
In other words, relationships will be strong if, despite quarrels, you can see and hear each other. The solution to a problem comes from conflict, but, oddly enough, understanding can help even if a solution cannot be found. Let’s say we can argue about politics, religion, fashion or music and never prove to another that his point of view is wrong than ours.
Regardless of the cause of the conflict, understanding will help maintain intimacy and love. It is especially important precisely when it is almost impossible to solve the problem and the opinion of the other will not change. Understanding on the part of a partner is equal for us to care, the desire to save relationships. We see that our love is worth fighting for.
7 ways to learn to understand each other better
1. Instead of defending your opinion at all costs, try to look at everything from the point of view of a partner. Try to understand why he feels the way he does.
2. Try not to criticize, not to be defensive, not to show contempt, not to withdraw. These four horsemen of the apocalypse are unlikely to contribute to understanding.
3. Do not doubt your partner, do not think that he wants to harm you. Most likely, he had no secret intentions.
4. Go forward if the partner is trying to make peace.
5. Remember: you are not opponents, but a team. You do not have a goal to defeat each other, there is no goal to prove that the other is wrong. You are both going in the same direction, and the point of your argument is to clarify the situation and agree.
6. Accept that it just won’t. Especially if your partner is not going to follow these rules.
7. Repeat to yourself as soon as you start to get angry: “I want to understand you and help you understand me. That is our main goal.»