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“What we experience when we are in love may be a normal state. “Love shows a person what he should be,” wrote Chekhov. “Love begins with the fact that a person deceives himself, and ends with the fact that he deceives another,” Wilde disagreed with him. So what is it – a return to normal or a sweet captivity of illusions? Science does not answer this question. But it is known what stages the process of infatuation with another person is divided into.
Romantic love has been known since time immemorial, philosophers talked about it and poets composed poems. Love does not obey the laws of reason and logic, it is able to lift us to the heights of euphoria and then bring us down into the abyss of despair for the most insignificant reasons.
We often fall in love just when we absolutely do not plan to, and often our friends and relatives cannot understand why we fell in love with this particular person.
“And yet, science is gradually comprehending the secrets of falling in love, just as it explained many natural phenomena that once seemed just as unpredictable and mysterious,” comments neuroscientist Lucy Brown.
Research shows that the process of falling in love usually consists of seven stages.
1. Origin of feeling
Falling in love is born at the moment when a person suddenly acquires a very special meaning for you. And it doesn’t matter if you knew him for many years before or met just a few hours ago, all your thoughts are now focused on him or her. Whether you like it or not, you are already falling in love.
2. Obsessive thoughts
Your first obsessive thoughts about love creep in. You replay the dialogue over and over in your head, remember how she was dressed that evening, or admire his smile.
When you read a book, you wonder if he would like it. And how would she advise you to solve your problem with your boss? Each meeting with this person, spontaneous or planned, becomes an important event for you, which you then remember and analyze.
At first, these thoughts occur only occasionally, but over time they become truly obsessive. Many people think about their loved one 85% to 100% of the time. Usually these thoughts do not interfere with everyday life, only creating a pleasant background for it. But sometimes they can take over your mind so much that they begin to distract from work or study.
3. Formation of a clear image
It is believed that lovers idealize the object of their love, not noticing its shortcomings. But research shows that this is not entirely true. At the third stage of falling in love, you form a clear idea not only about the merits of a potential partner, but also about his shortcomings. He ceases to be for you a kind of magical creature, you understand that this is an ordinary living person. However, you tend to downplay his shortcomings or consider them cute eccentricities.
4. Attraction, hope and uncertainty
When you have a clear idea of the object of love, you begin to be even more drawn to him, you feel both hope and uncertainty, hoping to start a relationship with him or her.
Everything that happens between you evokes strong emotions: the slightest approval on his part – and it seems to you that your feelings are mutual, the mildest criticism plunges you into despair, and even a brief separation causes anxiety. You are determined to overcome any obstacles in the path of love.
5. Hypomania
At some point, you may experience a condition called hypomania. You will feel a surge of energy, your need for food and sleep will decrease for a while. But side effects are also likely – flushing, trembling, stuttering, sweating, heart palpitations, awkwardness in movements.
6. Jealousy and strong motivation to act
You have a growing desire to win the favor of this person. Irrational jealousy arises, you begin to “guard” the object of your love, trying to push your potential competitors away from it. You are afraid of being rejected, and at the same time you are overcome by a strong desire to be with your loved one.
7. Feeling helpless
Perhaps at some point your strong feelings will be replaced by a feeling of complete helplessness. At first you may fall into despair, but gradually the obsessive desires will begin to weaken, and you yourself will be surprised that you behaved so irrationally.
You probably still really want to build a relationship with this person, but you already understand that this is not necessarily destined to happen. You regain the ability to think logically and act pragmatically.
“It is remarkable that although we fall in love more often with those we find physically attractive, sex plays a very minor role here,” explains Lucy Brown. – Yes, we want to make love with this person, but we crave emotional intimacy much more. Most of all, we want to call up, correspond and spend time with this person.
About the author: Lucy Brown is a neuroscientist.