The desire to take care of loved ones arises in many of us. And if you are not an abuser or a morbidly jealous person, you may just be worried about the safety of your partner and your relationship. But be careful: excessive control can cause exactly the problems that you fear. How to recognize that you have crossed the boundaries of what is acceptable?
You were sure that this person is the love of your life, but the marriage suddenly broke up. How is this possible?
Have you warned your partner that your marriage will survive anything but infidelity, but he still cheated on you?
Do you and your partner fight all the time, but it is not clear why, because you just give him useful advice?
“Perhaps your relationship is not what it used to be, and your attempts to “fix” everything do not help or even aggravate the situation. Have you ever thought about the fact that your couple may show excessive control on your part? says Keith Dent, coach and relationship expert.
How to understand that you are depriving your partner of the freedom he needs?
7 signs of excessive control
- You criticize him all the time. It would seem that you just wanted to give him useful advice, but every time it turns into a real flurry of criticism against him.
- You isolate him from friends and family. You are not doing this on purpose, you think that it will be better for him. But if for any reason you prevent your partner from communicating with friends and relatives, then you deprive him of the opportunity to turn to these people for support and understanding.
- You threatened to end the relationship or hurt yourself. This is absolutely unacceptable blackmail.
- You always think who owes whom. Your principle is quid pro quo. You always expect gratitude, even for the smallest deeds.
- You constantly press on his guilt. No person wants to feel guilty about their partner’s feelings, so you put pressure on the most painful place. With the help of constant manipulation, you take away all the power in the relationship.
- You are unreasonably jealous. You start arguing with a delivery courier who complimented your partner, or you constantly monitor your partner’s messages and activity on social networks. And God forbid he allow himself even the most innocent compliment to a person of the opposite sex!
- You never let him be alone You deprive your partner of strength and energy, not allowing you to take a break from you at least sometimes.
How to change the situation?
“First of all, it is important to analyze your behavior and realize what harm you are doing to your loved one. If you still have doubts, discuss them with your partner. Admit your mistakes and try to understand how he felt and experienced because of your actions,” recommends Keith Dent.
Understand how and why the need for control arises
Perhaps the true reason is constant stress, anxiety, or old traumas that have undermined your self-esteem. In this case, you should seek the help of a psychotherapist and understand yourself.
Start Small
Even the smallest changes for the better can change the atmosphere in your relationship. Do something nice for your partner without expecting anything in return. Give him the opportunity to quietly spend the day with friends without you. Even such simple gestures on your part will help reduce tension in a couple.
Seek advice from a psychologist
If you feel that you are unable to change yourself or are unable to cope with stress and anxiety, it is worth seeking help from a specialist. Your partner will be grateful to you for this. He probably loves you, he’s just tired of you constantly belittling him for the sake of self-affirmation.
Respect your choice of partner
“Unfortunately, the situation can not always be corrected. If, despite your desire to change, the person wants to leave, show respect for his choice. By learning from what happened, you will be able not to repeat the same mistakes in a relationship with a new partner,” Keith Dent sums up.