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Being alone right now, when everyone is congratulating each other and enjoying life, is a very unpleasant experience. What to do in such a situation? We offer a memo in case of “God forbid anyone.”
It is difficult to say which day is the most inappropriate for this – birthday or Valentine’s Day, March 8 or New Year. Perhaps such a “surprise” on Valentine’s Day is especially unpleasant. It seems that everyone is walking by the hand and kissing, and this increases the feeling of loneliness. As if everything positive in life was connected with him. Or with her. With those who left…
What do psychologists advise to do at such a moment?
1. Become your own best friend
Imagine that your friend was in such a situation, whom you comfort and support. What would you say and do? Sometimes we do not find the right words and actions for ourselves, but we understand how to support a loved one. For a while, you can try to visit in two roles.
Feed yourself well and tasty. Take yourself for a walk. Ideally, engage in activities: skiing, running, and Nordic walking will do. Or even just long walks. Healthy physical activity very well “unloads” the brain.
Send yourself to visit those with whom you are sincere and comfortable. Do not allow yourself to go into all serious trouble and seek solace at the bottom of the bottle, for example.
And order yourself a gift. It can be a nice little thing, a good book, a favorite delicacy, jewelry or gadget – something that can somehow please at this moment.
2. Take care of boundaries
If a loved one said with certainty that he was leaving, you should not engage in a showdown. This is an addictive process that takes a lot of mental strength and constantly returns you to the same painful state.
If possible, block him in messengers so as not to enter into conversations. And of course, you don’t need to write “under a degree” at all – you will probably regret it in the morning. Do not read his (or her) page on social networks. Who your ex is with, where and what he does – this information will cause you even more pain.
Make the most of this knowledge. Mental masochism will not help you survive the breakup and recover. If you have mutual friends, explain the situation to them and ask them not to talk about where and with whom they saw the one who left you yesterday. They can communicate with both of you – but now separately, without turning into carriers of gossip and unnecessary information.
3. Don’t decide anything
Don’t make big decisions based on emotions. If it comes to divorce, the division of property, or the choice of whom the children will spend time with, then it is better to discuss such issues with a cooler head and after consulting with specialists – a lawyer and a psychologist. In some cases, it will be possible to involve a mediator who will help you reach agreements without a trial.
For now, you can look for contacts of the professionals you need, but solve all global issues only later. Today, this is definitely not worth doing.
4. From the heart to worry
The bad news is that emotions are not an act, not an action, but something that happens to us. And this means that by an effort of will at one moment you will not “expel” them. They should be and they will be.
According to the theory of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the natural cycle of living a loss includes 5 stages. They do not always go strictly sequentially, but may well alternate.
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargain
- Depression
- Adoption
You will have to endure and survive all these emotions, because repressed feelings can seriously affect both physical and mental health.
The great news is that emotions never stay the same intense. This is easy to verify.
Sit down right now and try to fully focus on your experience. For example, offended. Dissolve into this feeling, imagine that at this moment it is huge and all-consuming.
Noticed? The thought flashed that it was necessary to buy bread. Feed the cat. Submit a report at work. But the machine has finished washing, and it’s time to hang up the laundry. Someone on the landing burned the porridge, judging by the smell.
Our consciousness, our world is always much larger than any of the difficult experiences. And if you remember this, you can feel more stable.
5. Saying goodbye and letting go
“Easy to say, hard to do.” But still, it’s better to try to do at least something than to have endless dialogues in your imagination with someone who won’t hear you.
Try writing a letter in which you tell him or her about everything that overwhelms you. Express all grievances. Say “thank you” for all the good things. Gratitude and bright memories are exactly what you need. After all, it is much healthier for the psyche to understand that in this chapter of your life there were different things, and not just bad ones.
It can be tempting to present yourself as a victim, but it is not a very healthy and powerful position. It is not necessary to send a letter. It is more important to write, and better by hand. Then you can burn it or tear it into pieces. The latter is a rather energetic action in which you can put all your emotions.
If the letter is not enough, you can simply tear the paper, scream into the pillow, or cry out loud all the words that ask to come out. This release of emotions is much more environmentally friendly than any showdown. And if in the end you feel tired and empty, then you succeeded.
6. Plan a holiday
Consider the option that suits you. Maybe you want to take a walk in the city center. Or just come home and go to bed. Or meet relatives. Or ask friends. Go only where you are loved.
7. Contact a specialist
Ask your friends, look for a psychologist or psychotherapist – now the support of a professional will not hurt you very much. Someone is probably ready to work with a crisis situation and on holidays, remotely.
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Life is changeable, and the future can bring you a lot of interesting things. Surviving the current situation is not easy, but you can do it. Your main task is not to immerse yourself in thoughts about how your ex-partner lives there, not to chew on the past, but to take care of yourself. Find ground under your feet, restore balance, reassemble your world and move forward with confidence.