“My partner is my best friend,” we hear from spouses who have lived together for many years. They consider friendship with a partner the key to a long and warm relationship. Why does this happen and does she really play an important role in romantic stories?
It seems that it is friendships that help to more successfully solve problems that somehow arise between partners. A scientific experiment consisting of 112 studies confirmed that romantic relationships become stronger and deeper if partners support and respect each other primarily as friends.
Not so long ago, due to isolation, many couples were forced to stay at home and spend together 24 hours and 7 days a week. The tension between loving people increased: some relationships were seriously tested.
Diane Barf, a psychologist and psychoanalyst, decided to test whether friendship could help strengthen the union. She asked several couples to describe in five to seven sentences what they expect from their friends. They then had to discuss these expectations with their spouse. The participants had to answer the questions in the dialogue: why do they expect this from their friends? What happens if their friend does not fulfill the “requirements” and let them down? But what if the authors of these messages themselves fail to meet the standards?
In the process of discussion, the partners found that their lists are similar in many ways, but they differ in some ways. Diana Barf asked them to discuss these similarities and differences without criticism or judgment.
Most often, the difference was only in the dissimilarity of the wording: the partners described similar desires and requirements, but in different words. Sometimes the differences were caused by some common ideas about the “male” and “female” approaches to friendship. Women more often indicated that friends should share problems, talk about them with each other, while men believed that they should keep everything to themselves.
We treat friends more condescendingly and kindly, we respect them more than romantic partners.
The psychologist then asked the partners to discuss how the friendship rules they described could be used in a romantic relationship.
It turned out that there are some moments that require a careful and honest look at yourself and your connection with another. Thus, many have found that loved ones are treated with less care and respect than friends. We can test this statement for ourselves. To do this, we need to write down what we expect from friends and how we ourselves prefer to treat them. And see if we want the same from a partner. And most importantly, to be honest with ourselves: do we do the same with someone who shares a bed, mortgage and school meetings with us?
Here are a few points from the friendly “code” that can be used in love.
- Friends are honest with each other, but honesty does not involve judgment and cruelty.
- Friends protect each other.
- Friends support each other on the path to goals, both personal and professional.
- Friends do not serve each other and do not push each other around.
- Friends listen and hear each other.
- Friends may disagree with each other, even argue, but they do not humiliate each other.
- Friends respect each other’s boundaries.
We don’t have to live up to this list. But you must admit: his points are quite reasonable and describe high-quality, pleasant relationships for everyone.
Make up your own set of rules and then test how they work in friendships and in your love relationships. After all, it is rather strange that we treat friends more condescendingly and kindly, we respect them more than romantic partners! Try to correct this injustice.