Painful jealousy, daily interrogations with passion about who you dined with, how your colleagues look at you and why you came home 9 minutes later than usual … it is very difficult to endure such an attitude from a partner. Let’s look at 7 steps to fix the situation.
If a partner has paranoid tendencies, they may wax and wane over time. But they will always be the “background” of the relationship. Paranoia manifests itself as a desire to maintain control at all costs. In a romantic relationship, this usually means that the partner can collect information about you, interrogate you, search you, track your movements, set traps, accuse you of lying, examine the contents of your phone and computer.
This behavior does not seem strange to him, and he may even try to convince you that his actions are quite reasonable and justified. Do not be deceived – he is only trying to get rid of his anxiety at your expense. It is impossible to know everything that happens in the life of another person, to the details, and who needs it? Do you really want to know how many times your partner went to the toilet, or find out that he thinks your mother is a bitch, or listen to a story about how the waiter broke a plate during dinner? Of course not. Therefore, we evaluate what information is worth sharing.
Such people endlessly think over every little thing – seeming grievances, deceptions that actually did not exist. What they consider to be facts is often just a figment of their imagination. Paranoia has a very negative effect on the physical and mental health of both partners. If a loved one suffers from excessive suspicion, but you love him and do not want to leave, here’s what you can do:
Do not give up your feelings and experiences under the pressure of your partner’s suspicions, remember that you are right
1. Be direct about your desire for a healthy relationship. Discuss the topic in such a way that the partner does not feel threatened or aggressive: tell us about your feelings, about the actions that caused the discord, about the fact that you want to normalize and develop relationships. You may have to be a broken record for a while, repeating over and over again that baseless accusations and constant surveillance are detrimental to your mental health and well-being.
2. Seek help from a psychologist. Couples therapy can be effective in overcoming the negative effects of one partner’s paranoia. Suggest seeing a family therapist. Given the distrust that always accompanies paranoia, the first few sessions can be very difficult. Because of their suspicion, the partner may be distrustful of the very idea of therapy. It is important to take your time, give your partner the opportunity to get to know the therapist better and talk about their experiences at a pace that is comfortable for him. Do not give up your feelings and experiences under the pressure of your partner’s suspicions, remember that you are right. Remember that his unhealthy ideas have nothing to do with reality.
3. Never plead guilty if you are innocent. Do not accept false accusations. I have worked with one couple in which the husband, after endlessly abusive interrogations by his wife, “confessed” that he had kissed another woman when he had not actually done so. According to him, he just wanted to stop asking questions and decided that this would be the easiest way to achieve this. Unfortunately, his confession only further inflamed his wife’s suspicions and she eventually filed for divorce.
4. Remember to take care of yourself. Find a way to relax and relieve emotional stress: yoga, sports or physical education, breathing exercises help a lot. A healthy diet is very important. If you develop depression or an anxiety disorder due to relationship problems, more serious treatment may be needed.
5. Ask for support from someone you trust. It can be a friend, colleague, therapist. Having someone who can listen without judgment and take your concerns seriously will bring relief and help you stay balanced as you work through the problems that have accumulated. Paranoid partners often feel very lonely: shame does not allow them to talk about what is really going on in the relationship. Unfortunately, this only exacerbates their isolation.
6. Take a break from the relationship. This will allow you to think things through calmly, without rushing. If you live together, consider whether you can temporarily move to another place. While leaving may be scary for your partner, it’s important to be able to deal with what’s going on in a calm environment in order to find the right solution for both of you.
7. Don’t self-diagnose. Paranoia is a sign of serious mental problems such as depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, psychosis, paranoid personality disorder, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder. Don’t try to diagnose your partner yourself. Contact a specialist who can correctly assess the entire set of symptoms.
If your partner’s suspicions have deprived you of a normal life, do not be afraid, it can be returned.
About the Author: Hope Arnold is a psychotherapist and behavioral therapist.