Contents
Dealing with him, you experience fatigue, irritation and mental confusion. You do not understand the reason, and you begin to doubt yourself and your mental health. Most likely, the interlocutor behaves passive-aggressively. What does this mean and how to deal with it?
Have you ever felt like you’re going crazy when talking to some people? Do you feel that energy is literally being sucked out of you, but at the same time you cannot understand what exactly is the matter?
Everything happens so veiled that you begin to doubt your own actions and your own mental health? Sometimes it seems to you that you have fallen into a nightmare where you are trying to escape, but you find yourself in a dead end with no way out.
How to learn to interact with passive-aggressive people and stay sane? Psychologist, couples specialist Roberta Shayler explains.
How do they behave
Passive-aggressive people are able to pull the rug out from under even those who are used to thinking rationally. They are not able to evaluate their own actions, so they are absolutely sure that everyone is unfair to them and misunderstands them.
But whenever you try to express your view of what is happening, they begin to actively resist and believe that your (and anyone else’s) expectations from them are completely unreasonable.
This behavior is usually very annoying. But what is really going on with these people? They passively resist any expectation, request, or demand to take responsibility for what they say or do, or, more often, do not do. Of course, this negatively affects any relationship.
How to recognize passive-aggressive people?
- They most often perceive negatively everything that happens.
- They often complain about being underestimated or misunderstood.
- They are never to blame for anything.
- They blame you (and they do it with pleasure) for everything, because, of course, you are to blame for everything.
- They readily argue and feel a constant need to be right.
- When things don’t go the way they want, they become sullen and withdrawn and skillfully demonstrate their cold indifference.
- They readily criticize situations, events, ideas, people. This neutralizes their fear of being inadequate.
- They don’t particularly respect authorities.
- They are sure that they are unique in their sense of loneliness in a world of failure, they perceive everything from the position of “isn’t it terrible that he did such a disgusting thing to me.”
- They constantly rush from open hostility to seeming regret. You should only take the state of enmity seriously.
What do you feel
When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you constantly have a feeling of insecurity. It seems that such people are completely unable to do something the way it should be. They are constantly late, they forget everything, they are difficult to communicate – that is, they use all the hidden ways to gain control over you or over the situation.
Passive-aggressive people fear competition, dependency, and intimacy. This situation can be called “come closer, but do not try to approach me.”
They can easily cause chaos from scratch and secretly admire their own ability to do so. For them, it embodies the power and control that they so desire to have. Since they are unable to directly influence situations, feelings and relationships, they try to do so indirectly. And it creates chaos.
They behave this way both at work and at home, inventing endless and seemingly reasonable reasons that explain why they cannot or have not done what was expected of them. This is especially annoying.
They can also be called experts in procrastination.
It is difficult for them to interact with other people, so in some team projects they are constantly dragging and procrastinating. Sometimes they suddenly fall ill, sometimes they say that they do not feel included in the team, sometimes they complain that they were not provided with some information or that they did not know what was expected of them.
Passive-aggressive people know how to find excuses for all occasions. Moreover, they themselves sincerely believe in these reasons, therefore they treat with contempt everyone who doubts them.
They will go to great lengths to prevent others from seeing their weaknesses, and usually blame others for their own failures. And this is the main distinguishing feature of a passive-aggressive personality.
If you are involved in a relationship with such a person, this is a real test for your psyche. Such behavior is usually based on deep and very long-standing resentment and anger.
Unfortunately, more often than not, the passive-aggressive person is not aware of what they are doing. He refuses to acknowledge his behavior and its consequences as the cause of his problems, especially when confronted.
What is the basis of passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive aggression is a behavior in which manifestations of anger are suppressed. People who communicate in a passive-aggressive way will not openly oppose what they don’t like. The accumulated tension that needs to be released manifests itself through a refusal to perform any action. This manner allows you to show aggression due to the fact that “no” is expressed in a passive way.
Seven Rules of Interaction
Dealing with a passive-aggressive person requires a lot of self-control. The following rules will help to maintain calm and self-respect:
1. Do not try to look for the reasons for this behavior. Everything that seems obvious has nothing to do with it.
2. Do not act hostile towards such a person, because this only adds fuel to the fire.
3. Be aware of your boundaries, declare them, no matter how much resistance you experience. Stick to them firmly.
4. Consider whether what is happening is part of your fault. If you decide what is, acknowledge it, but don’t assume the rest.
5. Avoid retaliatory accusations. This will only make the situation worse.
6. Remember that passive-aggressive behavior directed at you does not really apply to you and does not say anything about you. This will help you soften your own negative reaction.
7. Seek help from a specialist. This problem affects more than just your relationship, and while you are involved in the situation, you will not be able to see it in its entirety. You need a professional to help both of you.