Contents
- 1. Jealousy, the desire to control a partner, to possess him
- 2. The idea that your partner “completes” you
- 3. Belief that you don’t need anyone or anything but a partner
- 4. Expecting Your Partner Knows What You Need
- 5. Relying on Money to Solve All Your Problems
- 6. Using your partner as an “emotional punching bag”
- 7. Rivalry with a partner
Agree, we rarely see examples of healthy relationships – they don’t make films and TV shows about them, they don’t write books. But we see many examples of unhealthy relationships. We grow up on stories about them and begin to believe that “it’s right”; we repeat patterns that do not bring happiness, and then we are surprised that the relationship is collapsing. Here are some notable examples.
1. Jealousy, the desire to control a partner, to possess him
What does a small child do when he does not get what he wants? Starts screaming or crying. In some cases, this works: it is easier for parents to give him what he wants than to endure his cry. This behavior is considered normal – no adult thinks that a baby in diapers is manipulating them. And it’s true: we should give the baby maximum attention. But, in fact, it is then that we master the subtle technique of manipulation, and then, growing up, we use it – including in relationships with a partner.
Manipulation is just one way to control the situation. Many exercise control directly: they “advise” (read: dictate) to a partner what to wear, with whom to communicate, and with whom not. But jealousy and the desire to control a companion is also not a manifestation of love for him. If we love another, then we respect his right to autonomy, we trust him. This means we don’t check his phone, we don’t make derogatory comments about his or her friends, we don’t ask him to change for us, and we certainly don’t burst into tears just to make him feel guilty.
It’s okay to let your loved one know that you don’t like something, but it’s important to always and everywhere look for a compromise.
2. The idea that your partner “completes” you
By believing this, you automatically imply that you yourself are not “complete”, “inferior”. This is a wake-up call and an occasion to work on your self-esteem. Relationships will not give you everything that you lack in life, they will not close all the “holes”. If you were unhappy before you met your partner, then you are more likely to be unhappy with your partner.
Moreover: if you cling to another, the situation will only get worse, and problems will not be solved as if by magic. With a loved one, you can only share your life – already complete and whole. A healthy relationship is one in which two mature individuals choose to move forward in life together. If you feel bad alone with yourself, this problem needs to be solved, and not rush into the pool of love passions in the hope of a miracle.
3. Belief that you don’t need anyone or anything but a partner
It is normal to share the interests of a partner and strive to spend a lot of time with him or her. It is not normal to spend absolutely all your free time exclusively together: in this case, there is a great risk of forgetting who you are and what you want from life. Relationships cannot and should not replace everything – friends, hobbies, hobbies, work. The only way to live happily with someone is to know that each of you individually also has your own filled happy life.
4. Expecting Your Partner Knows What You Need
Instead of directly saying what you want, you begin to make meaningful hints to your loved one. Or, offended, you expect that he himself will guess what he was guilty of. In fact, you are waiting for your partner to learn to read your thoughts. This means you are setting yourself up for endless disappointment. Talking about your needs, conveying them to your loved one is your responsibility. Playing the guessing game has never helped anyone build a healthy relationship.
5. Relying on Money to Solve All Your Problems
Instead of the word “money” here you can substitute “bed” or “money”. If you think that any conflict can be resolved by jumping into bed or pulling out a credit card, you are mistaken. It’s like putting a band-aid on a deep, uncleaned wound and pretending everything is fine now. But, alas, over time, suppuration will inevitably begin. The only way to solve problems in a relationship is to talk openly about what is happening, discuss ways out of the situation, and take concrete steps.
6. Using your partner as an “emotional punching bag”
Sharing problems with your loved one is fine, but you can’t take it out on him for what’s happening in other areas of your life, take it out on him if he advises something wrong or doesn’t support you the way you would like. Being as open as possible with each other is good, but it is also important to respect each other.
7. Rivalry with a partner
What is a team game for you? Or a knockout match where it’s every man for himself? Is your couple “we” or “me + him”? If in a relationship you pursue only your own interests, then even when you win, you lose. Hitting your partner in an attempt to prove you’re right or get what you want hurts yourself in the long run.
Now that you have read the text, take a break and analyze your relationship: do you ever make the mistakes described above? The fact that many people do this is not yet an indication that this is the norm.