7 recipes for fear

The excitement of first dates, the uncertainty of the first night together, the unfamiliar rules of living together… Relationships are one of the most significant areas of human life, and therefore a lot of our anxieties and doubts are associated with them.

For women, personal relationships tend to be at the top of the hierarchy of values, but men are also prone to anxiety, especially those who are used to keeping the situation under control: their experience and logic do not help much when it comes to feelings.

It is normal for a person to feel anxiety and even fear of intimacy, but when these feelings are too strong, they can be fatal for the couple. Svetlana Krivtsova offers to look into our fears – after all, the better we know them, the easier it will be to overcome them.

1. Acquaintance: Will he call or not call?

Their first date has already taken place. And now she is worried: “Will he call or not call? Suddenly I said something superfluous, did something wrong? He is drawn to the handset like a magnet, but his soul is restless: “Suddenly she is not waiting for my call? Maybe she didn’t like me?

Fear of not being liked, of not being up to par – these very common fears are associated more with our personal experience than with the initial phase of a relationship. What was he like?

If a person has already once experienced severe pain due to the fact that he was rejected, he will be overwhelmed with conflicting feelings: fear of the possibility of new pain and the need for love and warmth. Because of this “sitting inside” fear, it is difficult to objectively assess yourself, your partner, and the situation.

Often, especially in youth, people enter into relationships actively and desperately – they are haunted by some unconscious lack of something very important. One lacks respect, recognition (it was not enough from the parents).

Others lack warmth (they were little loved in childhood). Adult boys and girls, having already changed and become physically prettier, retain this deficit in themselves, like a compressed spring. And they enter into relationships with varying degrees of “conciseness” – that is, the fear of being deceived in their expectations.

Tip: ask yourself a few simple questions.

• Is it true that no one likes me, and why?
• Am I really not the right person for this person?
• Why doesn’t it suit me?

Listen to your answers, and you will surely notice that they are distinguished by teenage maximalism, which it is time to part with. In addition, it is useful to learn how to relax: stop controlling yourself in everything; understand that the unknown tends to cause anxiety.

2. First night: How will I succeed?

The key moment has come. She worries: “Will he want me? Will he like my figure? He has one thought: “Will I be on top?”

Intimate relationships give rise to many fears: to be “undressed” not only in the direct, but also in a symbolic sense; discover that close communication with a partner caused very strong feelings and we are ready to fall into dependence on him, lose freedom …

In intimate relationships, all masks fall off, and a person appears before his partner as he really is. The strength of the fears that arise before the first night is proportional to the depth of a person’s trust in himself and others.

In addition, literature and erotic films set an unrealistically high bar, where there is always some exaggeration – passion, sexuality and the idealized concept of “made for each other.” Focusing on the ideal, the partners worry that everything will not go the way they imagined in their fantasies.

Tip: it is important to remember that sexual desire is not related to aesthetic categories or our sophistication and experience. Appearance matters in erotica, but not in sexuality. The first night does not play a decisive role – people must get used to each other, including in physiological terms, and there is always a chance to catch up.

3. We are dating: Is this serious?

Spending time together becomes a habit. She asks herself: “Does he need a serious relationship or can he still end up in a simple hobby?” He involuntarily worries: “Won’t this whole story be too burdensome for me?”

Partners give each other their energy and time. And they usually get more than they give. All this is true until one day we begin to notice that the balance between “giving” and “receiving” is violated: giving yourself to another, everyone can be either overly stingy or overly generous.

Any partnership implies some kind of “scales”, and if a person has a sad experience of breaking their balance, he will count the number of compliments and gifts, favors and sacrifices, building his behavior depending on the result.

Coming close to a serious relationship, some may choose to run away – because of past failures, unwillingness to attach too much, unwillingness to bear such a burden.

Tip: closeness between partners is a good basis for a calm conversation. We can explore our own doubts together: is there a future for our relationship? Which? It can be very useful to tell your partner what you expect from a relationship and what you are afraid of in them. And even more useful – to hear what he expects and fears.

4. Living Together: Can We Get Along?

They are getting ready to start their life together. He is neat and doubtful: “Will I be able to bear the bohemian mess she used to live in?” She is a “night owl”, and she is uncomfortable: “Is he really such an absolute “lark” as he says?

When people begin to live together, there is a fear of “destroying” the idea that our partner has about us, disappointing him or being disappointed himself. Everyone now shows his true character, ceasing to demonstrate only his best qualities.

Tip: to avoid unpleasant surprises, do not rush to unite under one roof. To begin with, it is worth spending a vacation together – in a resort hotel, in a country house or even in a camping tent. A good test for a relationship can be a life in two houses: the most stable are the relationships of two most independent people to whom life without a partner does not seem like a scorched desert.

5. Shared Values: Do we think the same way?

For the sake of a joke, he told his friends about their last quarrel and reconciliation … in bed. She is indignant: “How can he behave so tactlessly?”

To build a strong relationship, it is important to have common values, common views on life. Not on all its aspects, but on the main ones: what do we think about children and our own parents, about acceptable and unacceptable partnerships, about careers and housing, about the purpose of each of us. Fear arises when expectations are too different.

Tip: even before marriage, tell each other about what hurts or dislikes, learn to talk to each other. It is important to keep a respectful distance, to allow the partner to respond to the request at their own pace, to negotiate and compromise. This is a special art that helps to enjoy even conversations on unpleasant topics.

6. Personal contribution: How will we live from now on?

They lived happily together for a year. She dreams: “It would be nice to buy an apartment … a bigger one!” He doesn’t want to think about it: “We are already fine – why change something?”

It’s time for a choice for both. If two people are going to continue to lead a life together, it needs to be built – to think about children, about new housing … The real relationship of two involves the appearance of a third, such is the logic of feelings.

A joint fruit can be not only a child, but also some kind of project, a common home – something for which we live together. At this stage, there is a fear of moving to a new stage, changing priorities: you will have to change your lifestyle, communicate less with friends, parents – and this may be accompanied by guilt and even suffering.

Tip: at this stage of the relationship, it is necessary to invest yourself and your strength in them so that the couple is stronger in the face of life around them. It’s worth asking yourself:

• Do I like our union, do I believe in its future?
• Do I want our life together to continue?

If the answers are positive, you just have to stick to your principles and continue to invest in caring for your relationship.

7. Older couple: Am I still scared?

After 10-15 years, life together is quite established. She only worries about the children: “The elder would go to college … And with my husband – thanks, everything seems to be in order with him.” He: “Yes? Do you find that my wife has changed?”

The couple found their own face, created their own story. In everyday life, partners have ceased to experience fear or forgot about it. Now it seems that the other is won forever, and we begin to underestimate the partner, we believe that he is not able to seduce others or live on his own, without us. But we are wrong.

15-17 years is a critical age for a couple: children are emotionally separated from their parents, and they remain left to their own devices. Here the question arises: is the person with whom I live my destiny? Not everyone is ready to answer “yes”, many believe that in the future they have a chance to meet a different, real feeling. Longing for great love can make people part.

Tip: relationships paired with experience do not become more fragile, but they have less freshness, life: everything is familiar, nothing causes strong feelings. And feelings are like swings: in motion (warmer – colder) they make sense; in a standing state it is not.

Someone has to swing the swing, and it’s good if both partners understand this. At this stage of the relationship, much depends on the ability to … surprise each other, create new holidays and rituals.