7 reasons why we are afraid of love

No matter how long ago it was: how painful it is when love leaves, we are unlikely to forget. As a result, many — consciously or not quite — avoid serious relationships. It seems to be a surefire way to keep yourself out of pain. We crave real intimacy with another person and … run away from it. What is this fear based on? What prevents you from finding love and building relationships? There may be several reasons.

1. Real feeling will make us vulnerable.

The other person is an unknown planet. Entering into a new relationship, we begin the journey into the unknown, and it is human nature to be afraid of the new. Allowing yourself to fall in love means taking a real risk. We trust the one we love, emotionally dependent on him, and this makes us vulnerable — we temporarily abandon the usual systems of (self) protection.

Habits that allowed you to feel self-sufficient for a long time gradually fall away, like rocket stages during takeoff. This is how a person works: he is inclined to think that the more he loves, the easier it is to hurt him.

2. New love will open up old wounds

We rarely fully realize how powerful the influence of the past is. Meeting a new person like a litmus test highlights old wounds. Painful situations experienced throughout life, starting from childhood, have a significant impact on the formation of worldview and largely determine the model of behavior in relations with the opposite sex.

The previous negative experience can become an internal block that will keep you from stepping towards a new one. We will shy away from intimacy, because the memory will not let us forget the previous experience of intimacy, pain, rejection, loss and anger. When you desperately desire something, like love, it inevitably becomes associated with the pain you have experienced in the past due to the lack of love.

3. Love will challenge previous ideas about yourself.

Not all of us know how to love ourselves. We don’t believe in ourselves. How can we believe that another will believe in us? The «inner critic» in the voice of a strict mentor constantly reminds us that we are worthless and unworthy of happiness. It was shaped by childhood experiences, parental self-esteem, and the criticism we faced as a child.

Over time, memories of negative experiences are smoothed out, but intertwined with our «I», becoming part of it. Growing up, we come to terms with the constant internal critic, taking his destructive logic for our own. Critical remarks from the inner voice are often harmful and unpleasant, but you get used to them, like the grumbling of an old relative. And when suddenly someone begins to look at us differently, to look with a loving and attentive look, we get lost, we begin to feel uncomfortable and turn on the defense so as not to destroy the established opinion about ourselves.

4. Real joy is inseparable from real pain.

If we have ever experienced real joy, enjoyed the subtle happiness of the moment, we certainly know the opposite feelings as well, such as a sudden surge of sadness. Many people shy away from strong feelings and events that make us happy, because they can also become a source of pain.

And vice versa. We cannot selectively surrender to pain or joy, everything is interconnected. When we fall in love, we often hesitate and do not play all-in, fearing the pain that is inextricably linked with love.

5. Love, as a rule, does not know equality.

Many doubt the possibility of a harmonious relationship with a new partner, explaining this by the fact that the other «loves me too much.» The essence of anxiety is the fear that in the light of the bright love of a partner, our own feeling will not be able to fully manifest itself, as a result of which we will feel wounded and rejected.

The truth, however, lies somewhere in between, and love is not mirror-symmetric. At different points in time, everyone experiences it with varying degrees of intensity. Feelings for another person are an ever-changing quantity.

From love to irritation, anger and even hatred for a loved one is one step. Excessive anxiety about how we can act there, sometime in the future, does not allow us to see how we can actually act if we let our feelings go, give them freedom.

Endless worries and guilt make it impossible to find out who is nearby, who shows sincere interest. Unnecessary anxiety can get in the way of building relationships that will make us truly happy.

6. New love will alienate from the parental family

Love, a new relationship can be the final stage of growing up. They mark the beginning of an independent life, which can also be the beginning of estrangement from one’s own family. It’s not about burning bridges, it’s more about the emotional level.

A person ceases to feel like a child, takes responsibility for his actions and distances himself more and more from the family, as well as from negative experiences that could happen in early childhood.

7. Love awakens existential phobias

The more we have, the more we fear losing. The more dear to us a person, the stronger the fear of parting. Falling in love, we do not just meet with the fear of losing a loved one, we begin to think more and more about death. Now, when life is full of love, new meanings and colors, thoughts of loss become even more poignant. In an attempt to drown out the voice of fear, we create artificial problems — we fight with our partner or, in extreme cases, we go to break up the relationship.

The mechanism of confronting existential fears is most often not obvious. We can convince ourselves by coming up with a million reasons why this relationship should end, but all of them, most often, are solvable. What really worries us — the fear of loss — lies much deeper. The development of relationships, as a rule, is associated with an avalanche of complex situations and challenges.

Knowing yourself and your own fears that shape behavior is an important step towards harmonious and lasting unions. Fears can be hidden under the tricks of self-justification, but as we get closer to the other person, it becomes more and more difficult to deceive ourselves. By getting to know ourselves, we give ourselves a chance to find true love and keep it.