7 quarrels in the first year of marriage

“Almost every one of us thinks that one day he will become a great spouse, but as soon as the rings are put on and the wedding cake is finished, reality sets in. This is where it turns out that living together is not as easy as we thought, recalls marriage and family therapist Becky Whetstone. “When our families, friends, as well as property and money come together, there are many traps and reasons for quarrels.”

We asked relationship experts to tell you what quarrels most often happen in the first year of marriage and how to properly resolve contentious issues.

“What happened to our sex life?”

It’s easy to take the passion that gripped you in the early days of a relationship for granted. It may seem that you definitely don’t have to specifically support your sex life, making an effort.

However, many couples are faced with the fact that the intensity of sexual life in the first year of marriage falls.

“After the wedding, it is not uncommon for one or both partners to suddenly notice that they are far from being satisfied with sex,” explains psychotherapist Kurt Smith. – It is very important not to delay the discussion here. Counseling couples, I study the desires of each partner. My task is to tactfully help them start a constructive dialogue on the topic of sex.”

Reticence and resentment can create physical and emotional distance between spouses, especially if one partner makes proposals that are often rejected – and the other is ashamed that he cannot satisfy the sexual needs of a lover.

If you notice a decline in your sex life, do not be discouraged: this is a fairly common occurrence in the first year of marriage. Try to talk about these changes as early as possible, says sex therapist Kimberly Resnick-Anderson.

“Couples who have difficulty with sex prefer not to quarrel about this topic and surround this issue with silence,” she shares. “They find it easier not to make love at all than to deal with unpredictable emotions like guilt or anger. However, my main advice is to act and share your doubts before the problem becomes really serious.

“When will we have a baby?”

Before you start living together, you both need to know if you even want children. But you may not have had time to talk about when you are going to have children.

“But this topic implies a lot of important details, and disputes and disagreements can arise on each of them,” reminds Kurt Smith. – When to have the first child? How many will there be? What should be the age difference? It often happens that one of the spouses “clock is ticking”, and the other either wants to enjoy the life of a couple before having children, or sets career or financial goals that he wants to achieve first.

In addition, after a magnificent wedding ceremony, these ideas may change for both.

“The shock of a large number of noisy relatives can, for example, make a newly-baked spouse change his mind about becoming a father of a family so quickly, while a wife, on the contrary, may be unusually inspired and want to speed up the process, as another may be delighted with it and, conversely, want to speed up the process after talking with more new friends and family members,” explains marriage and family therapist Spencer Northey. – I recommend taking a little time out in the first months after the wedding and living alone. No one needs quarrels because one partner insisted on his own, and the second was not yet ready to become a parent.

“Who has crossed our border again?”

It is important to establish healthy boundaries with your friends (on both sides!) and family of origin at a very early stage to avoid serious problems in the future.

In addition to your personal boundaries, the boundaries of your couple must now be erected – and they need to be protected by both of you.

Whether it’s friends coming into the house unannounced, curious relatives asking questions about why you’re not pregnant yet, or a spouse’s inability to make a decision without first talking to their parents, unhealthy boundaries with loved ones can put strain on your marriage.

“One of the biggest problems in early marriages is that our bodies have grown, but emotionally we have not yet fully entered adulthood,” says Becky Whetstone. Adults are able to establish strong boundaries with family and friends. They put spouse and marriage first. Quarrels arise where for one of the partners what is more important is what his parents or friends need, and not the spouse.

Of course, it is important to maintain close relationships with friends and relatives after marriage, but if you constantly put them in a priority, sooner or later disagreements will arise with your partner.

“You have to be attentive to the wishes and needs of your spouse, and he should do the same for you,” advises Becky Whetstone. – When it comes to friendship and family boundaries, it is important first of all to take into account the opinion of a partner. This will help to avoid many quarrels both at the beginning of a life together and in the future.

“I’m tired of cleaning up after you!”

For those who have just started living together, it can be difficult to agree on how to divide household work in a way that suits both. However, this must be done.

A recent study found that 56% of married American adults agree that housework is “very important” to a successful marriage. When the lion’s share of responsibility unfairly falls on the shoulders of one partner, discontent arises, which leads to disappointment and quarrels.

Women still often take on most of the household chores, but as Kurt Smith argues, this is not always the case.

Men at his consultations also regularly complain that the wife does not want to clean up after herself: for example, she leaves dirty dishes around her laptop or a pile of laundry on the couch.

That is why it is important to understand what your partner’s standards of cleanliness are, and “if they are higher than yours, you will have to focus on them – of course, within reason.”

“And here we will put a closet”

Whether you lived together before you got married or not, you are now likely to face major changes: moving to a new apartment, redecorating a room, or just rearranging.

“A lot of couples who pride themselves on having a complete relationship suddenly start arguing over furniture and door color,” says Northy. “In addition, often one is satisfied with everything and does not want to change anything, and give the second a constant rearrangement.”

The therapist invites couples to put aside arguments about the design and cost of repairs for a while and talk about what a “happy home” looks like in general.

“I encourage you to go beyond the debate about aesthetics and functionality and talk about what it means for each of you to be attached to certain objects.

What is special about this thing that you so want to keep? Is there enough space for both of you in this house? Once each feels heard, it will be easier to figure out how you both can learn to respect each other’s things.”

“Where will we go for the holidays: to yours or mine?”

None of the partners wants to break the traditions of their family, but sooner or later they will have to make a choice.

“Often, couples experience guilt and pressure from families who “lobby” for the New Year or vacation at their place,” says Becky Whetstone. – But remember: you created your own family, and its interests are now much more important than what your relatives want. If neither you nor your partner want to miss a family event, you can alternate trips to your loved ones or flip a coin each time. Or you can stay at home and create your own family traditions.”

“You don’t know how to handle money!”

Money is one of the main points of contention for young couples in their first year of marriage.

“Even if you lived together before marriage, it was easy for each of you to hide your personal finances before marriage,” Smith explains. “But now everything is changing. By getting married, for the first time, many learn the truth about their partner’s debt or financial habits, which can be very different from their own.” Money matters are often weighed down with emotional baggage, which makes them difficult to discuss.

Before developing a joint plan for moving into a new financial life, it is important to learn how to honestly express your feelings about money. And for all other reasons too.